Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Who is Sue?

I have an assignment from a very dear friend of mine. I counseled with her today. I thought it would be good to talk with her because I need someone to help me wade through many of the confusing thoughts and feelings I have been having. I think it was helpful. She asked me some different things that really made me think and then she wrote on a napkin at the table, "Who is Sue?". She wants me to really ponder that for awhile and she's asked me to list out the adjectives I would use to identify me.

She told me that I will grieve the loss of my framily. I can't stop that from happening. She asked me what I the end, when all is said and done and I'm sitting in my house alone...what do I want? I said "I want to feel the presence of God so big in my life that it encompasses my entire being so much that it won't hurt when people move in and out of my life." I thought that was pretty profound! She replied "Oh, so you don't want to love."

That stopped me in my tracks.

I see Katie, and the beautiful butterfly she has become. I told Tommye that when I first met Katie she was so broken. So lifeless. So hopeless. God has used me in her life and I have had the blessing of watching Katie crawl up out of the cocoon and work hard to now be able to stand on her own two feet. Now God has put a wonderful Christian man in her life and she is ready for this relationship. To see her able to be romanced and imagine a marriage in her future, well, for me that is "mission accomplished".

I don't know the plans God has for my life. But, I do know that they are plans to prosper. I do know that they are plans to grow me. I can trust God in that. Afterall, when I left IA with nothing but a U-haul filled with my possessions, He gave me a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and work to do. When I quit my job in IA, and left my church, and left my friend of 14 years, I was riding down the center of God's Will. I felt confident. I plan to do the same thing this time. I'm not confident in me, but I am confident in God. He will carry me through this transition in my life as He has every other.

The friend and sister I counseled with today wanted to know what my issue was. I said "I'm afraid"..."of what?". I'm afraid to be alone. She kept asking "What are you really afraid of?". I kept saying "of being alone". She would ask me that at various times throughout our conversation and at one point I asked "is there a right answer to the question?" LOL I don't know what else I am afraid of! I fear not having a person here to share laughs with, sorrows with, bible study with. Who's gonna read to me at bedtime? I really think that being alone is what I am afraid of, but now I'm even questioning that!

"I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am."

Tommye gave me that quote, I forget who she said said it. I've been pondering that as I try to answer the question "Who is Sue?"

No comments:

Post a Comment