Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Expense of Church

Katie originally posted this in March of 2003. The points are still valid and I thought I'd repost it again as food for thought.


I remember when I was young. Christians attended church to hear the word of God taught. There were family outings at the park and tithes paid for materials for Sunday school. That was sufficient. Now, in a world of "No matter how much you have, you always want more, bigger, better", I am somewhat convicted. Has this philosophy of life penetrated into the church? The service isn't enough anymore. Even with all the talent and drama and music of today that is so awesome, we still want more. Now we go to seminars and conferences that are becoming more and more popular. Christian concerts are no longer taking up love offerings. They are charging more money for tickets than many secular music shows. I know.....they have to make a living. It's expensive to put on the big shows and seminars. I must say, I have attended and will continue to attend these things as long as God makes a way for me to do it. I do grow in many ways and I definitely benefit from it. I think the biggest reason I attend these events is not actually the event itself. It's the fellowship. It's spending the night in a hotel and traveling with my sisters in Christ. I love, getting to know them on a more personal level. I love it. I'm not here to bash anybody or criticize. I'm just trying to sort some things on my heart.

For example:

This month Sue and I are attending a conference. In order to attend, the cost (excluding hotel and all but two lunches) is $99.00 per person. This is for 3 sessions over two days. At church today, in the bulletin, we were informed that we had to pay the deposit of $40.00 for the youth trip and the remainder of the $246.00 can be paid later. Then, I was approached by the interpretive movement instructor that I would need to purchase ballet slippers, tights and leotards in order for my daughter to be a part of the Easter presentation. This should come to at least $50.00.

Today, there was an awesome sermon. I was so blessed by it and the praise and worship. I felt renewed, refreshed and stronger against the financial blows I have been receiving this year. Then, I read the bulletin, was approached about the things my daughter would need, and thought about how much money Sue and I have been asked to spend the past two weeks. Not including hotel costs for next weekend, the total comes to approximately $500.00. I must say, it put a damper on my spirit before I even walked out the door. I wanted to cry. Not because of the expense, but because I am wondering.......Is this really necessary? Jesus asks us to be like Him. He had nothing but the clothes on his back and the shoes on his feet. People followed him everywhere and he didn't charge one dime. He offered himself freely to all who came. He gave His love, His time, His attention, His loving discipline, His knowledge, His wisdom, His strength, His body, His blood, His life. He gave. GAVE! He gave it all freely and for freedom's sake.

So, do we need all this entertainment? If so, I have to wonder why? Sure it's fun. I can see this from both sides. I think it's wonderful that we have the awesome music that we have now. I love it! I love going to the concerts and I love the fulfillment that comes from conferences. It was at a Beth Moore conference where I received the calling to minister to women and to attend school for this. I am in college now because of that conference. I can see that lives are changed. I praise God that I am so blessed that somebody paid for me to go. She knew God wanted me there. He will always make a way for His will to be done. It can be really fun in the process.

When I approached a precious friend today in regards to the youth trip, I asked, "Do you really think it's necessary that the kids go on a trip that is so expensive? Shouldn't there be some conviction?" She lovingly told me that she can understand my concern but that all the churches are doing it now and it is a very fulfilling experience in many ways. She said it is in-depth Bible study, and it also helps build relationships amongst the youth. She also made the point that it can be very expensive to put up the kids and feed them for a week. I can see her point. Okay, so lets all chip in, rent a couple cabins nearby in a campground, bring our own food and relax in the midst of God's creation. That would reduce the cost wouldn't it? But, would the kids be satisfied with that? If not, then why not? Is it because all the other churches are doing bigger and better things? Oh, okay so then it's right isn't it? Or is it?

Has the church become like the world in the aspect of not being content to gather in God's house and worship God without all the added expense of ballet costumes and fancy choir robes? Can we not learn and grow in our relationships to God and one another without spending thousands of dollars every year on conferences and materials? I am not knocking what is being done. I'm just trying to see things from All perspectives including and especially Gods. Are we a part of the body because we truly seek to please Him and fulfill His purpose in our lives? Or are we just part of the body because it's fun? I love that my kids anticipate going to church. But, if the trips stopped and we went back to studying the word of God with nothing but the Holy Spirit, our church leaders, praise, worship and the Bible would everybody quit meeting? Do these trips cause us to focus or keep us from focusing on the right things?

Okay, I'm about to digress. Each week I meet in the homes of my family SaLT members. We meet together for study, reflection, and fellowship. The homes we meet in are BEAUTIFUL! I sit there and think about how I would love to have a beautiful home like this one or that one. I even get envious sometimes and have to call on God to put things back into perspective. I would love to have a beautiful home, a wonderful husband and a family gathering around the fireplace to sing Christmas carols near the grand piano at Christmas every year. Most anybody would. But, at the same time, there is this other side of me (Maybe I'm schizophrenic) that feels compelled to give up material possessions in order to be better focused and able to do the will of God. This side of me wants to forget "things" and focus on the calling God has given me. I wonder if having a house would just be a distraction from my call. It would be something that would give me roots and plant me in one place. I would have to have a steady job to pay the bills and It would take away the freedom that I would have (after my kids are grown) to pick up and go wherever God leads.

I am by no means saying that it is wrong for people to have a nice home and material possessions. God lays different convictions on different hearts and I believe it all depends on what His calling is for their life. I'm not saying that it is wrong for the youth to go on this trip. I just can't help but wonder the kind of message that is sent to the poor and needy of the world when they don't know where their next meal is coming from and they learn of the money that is being spent by the church for elaborate youth camps and trips. Aren't we called to minister to the poor and needy? This doesn't just mean baskets at Christmas time! Wouldn't this money be better spent on a missionary trip? I don't know. I am not complaining at all. I just want to know if we are dong the right thing. Just because it's what everybody else is doing doesn't make it right. I have struggled with this for years. I just pray that God will give me an answer. I pray that He will once and for all grant me peace with my convictions. Should I continue to stand against these activities or should I accept them as part of His plan that I can't see?

Well, I've babbled on long enough. I wish I could say that I feel better now. I guess it's time to pray again.

I want to be like the lilies of the field.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Witness a Christian

Are you the same person at church as you are at work? at home? at the grocery store?

I try to be. If I wouldn't feel comfortable doing or saying something at church, I won't do it or say it at work, home, or the store. Do I sometimes? Unfortunately, and regretfully I do. Sometimes I do not draw on the strength of the Spirit to have a heart like Christ. I am often convicted about the state of my heart, not having right attitudes, choosing inappropriate words, and behaving in ways opposite that how a person representing Christ should behave. (Kind of like Paul, eh?)

When I do not have on the full armor of God, I am susceptible to the enemy. The enemy is not stupid, and he knows exactly the areas in which I am weak. That is exactly where he attacks. In my situation it is usually my time. I want my time to be MY time...know what I mean? Sometimes I feel so selfish just wanting some time to MYself, but I need it and desire it. I am also a very impatient person but God is working in that area of my life. I can tell because I keep ending up in circumstances that require a great deal of patience! Katie keeps telling me "If you would hurry up and get some patience, you might not find yourself in these situations so much!" LOL Thing is, I know that when I do grow in that area, the situations will still be there, but it will be my reaction to them that will have matured.

The Christian walk is a journey. God is taking all the crooked lines in our lives and making them straight. Some of the crooked lines are easily bendable, while others require a bit more, well...a little more "coaxing".

It is important to remember through all of our growing what our main job is: Mark 16:15 "He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.'" Jesus commanded his followers to be witnesses. He also reminded them that they were going out like "sheep among wolves."

Jesus didn't just send them out. He "armed" them. He had taught them what, and how to teach and he also gave them a bit of advice. He said "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." (Matt 16:10)

I think for the majority of people, the "shrewed as snakes" comes a bit easier than the "innocent as doves" part. Jesus was telling his followers to be intelligent and watchful...He also told them that they would be watched, that their behavior is closely monitored by the world.

Christians are watched. I know I am at work, especially when circumstances arise where decisions on personnel are being made. I know my staff is wondering "how will she handle this?" Katie watches me, as my accountability partner, and calls me on my bad attitudes and if I may be straying from God's path. I never get far before she tenderly guides me back to the light. I know I am watched. The Spirit within me is the first line of defense for those moments that may jeopardize my witness.

What does "be as innocent as doves" mean? The dove is a symbol of peace, and also one of purity as evidenced by its use in early religious sacrifices. The dove symbolizes a childlike purity, an innocence, which is yet vulnerable to the evils of the world.

Evils are all around us, temptations are everywhere, but Jesus says "be innocent as doves". Easier said than done, but what are some ways we can make that happen in our own lives? I have a couple suggestions:

1. Watch what you say Ecclesiastes 10:12 "Words from a wise man's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips." James 3:6 "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." Words can hurt. Words also reveal the heart. One that spews curses or insults is not a problem of the mouth, it is a problem of the heart. Matthew 12:34 "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Instead of words that hate, words that hurt, let us use words like Paul prayed for in Ephesians 6:19-20 "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." A Christian should use his mouth to spread the good news.

2. Watch what you do I Peter I:13-14 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance." 1 John 3:17-19 "If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence." Rest in his presence. Rest? I do not rest when I know I have spoken in error. I do not rest when I know I have not done God's Will. I desire to feel that rest that God is so willing and merciful to give me. That rest comes when we are "as innocent as doves".

A Christian witness is a follower of Christ, the Son of God. We are righteous only through Christ and by nothing we have done or could do. God calls us to share His Good News with the world, and has given us guidelines and an example, Jesus, to follow. It is His Grace and Mercy that cover us when we fail, but we should "press on toward the goal" always!

Your words today...think about them. Why were they spoken? Did they demonstrate your love for Christ? or His Love for you? What's your heart condition?

Your actions today...think about them. Why did you do that? Did it demonstrate God's Love and Mercy?

The world is watching, will it witness a Christian?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

New Blog

Yes, believe it or not, it's me, Katie! I am still alive! Sorry for not posting much these days. I've been very busy with work and school...throw a little romance in there and you have a recipe for chaos! I love it! God is moving in so many ways and life is very exciting. I have a new job working in ministry...FINALLY! I'm doing what I love...serving God through ministry and earning an income at the same time. Unfortunately, it doesn't leave much time for writing. However, one of my recent assignments from school has birthed a new blog and I would love for you to drop by. It's still in the early stages but I'm sure it will grow in time. So, I'll leave you with a link and I hope you will stop by for a visit!

Visit Firmly Grounded

God and His Promises

I say no, God does not break his promises. Then why am I confused when I read Numbers 14?
30 "Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home, except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun." (NIV)

30 "Doubtless ye shall not come into the land, concerning which I sware to make you dwell therein, save Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun." (KJV)

29 "You will all die here in this wilderness! Because you complained against me, none of you who are twenty years old or older and were counted in the census 30will enter the land I swore to give you. The only exceptions will be Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun." (NLT)

30 "Surely you shall not come into the land in which I swore to settle you, except Caleb the son of Jephunneh and Joshua the son of Nun." (NASB)
In any translation it sure looks to me like God says "I swore good things for you, but now I'm telling you that those good things aren't coming...except of course for those lucky dogs Caleb and Joshua" (lucky = obedient/faithful in the Susan L. Prince translation)

This has been bothering me...what exactly did God swear on oath to the Israelites? and did He actually break His promise? So I researched:
Genesis 17
8 The whole land of Canaan, where you are now an alien, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God." 9 Then God said to Abraham, "As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come. 10 This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised." and then we go through all the circumcision stuff blah blah blah...
Ok, so that was the covenant. There's more to it, but for now I will simply say that God promised to multiply Abraham's family and that his name would be known and be given a great nation.

Was the convenant unconditional? Hmmmmm, I think that when God makes a promise, that it really is unconditional. God will keep his promise whether or not the other party keeps theirs. In the end, God will keep His covenant, but it doesn't mean the other party will enjoy it. I think that could be what happened here in Numbers 14. The Israelites complained so much about being in the desert and not really appreciating the fact that God freed them from slavery. They wished that their misery in the desert would just end and they could die. I figure God gave them what they wanted! Still, Abraham's line made it into the land of Canaan, but that ungrateful generation didn't get to enjoy it. What a shame.

When God said "Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home," I think that he wasn't necessarily saying "your" as in all of you here and now, but possibly he means those people. His people, as a whole, not as individuals. He also did give them responsibility when in the covenant He said "As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come"

Did God break His promise? No. Eventually those who were faithful and obedient made it there.

God has promised things for me too. I want to experience those things.

so I can experience the fullness of your glory and the life you wish to give me! Lord, please help me to have faith and trust in you. Let me yield to your Spirit and be obedient Woooooohooooooooooooo!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE IN THE LAND OF CANAAN! I WANT MY MILK AND HONEY!

So be thankful for where God has you now, whether it be in the desert, or in captivity, or in His freedom. Each stage of life He takes you through is growing you. He is molding you. You are there for a reason. Learn from the Israelites and don't complain. Realize your blessings, He loves you.

I know, easier said than done...I'M TRYING TO DO IT! I KNOW!

Monday, April 21, 2008

God's Will

Is God's Will being accomplished? Has it always been accomplished? Will it be accomplished if I don't follow God's will? Will it be accomplished if I do my best to always stay in His Will?

I think God's Will is always accomplished. I think He is always working everything together for His good purpose. Those who don't necessarily follow God's will may create detours, but in the end, God's Will is accomplished, it's just that those that don't follow it will not get to enjoy the blessings He showers upon the obedient.

If God is always working and His Will is always done, wouldn't it be better if I just joined in? Why waste time trying to figure out His Will? I mean, He knows what it must be perfect! What He is doing is always best. If I take time to try to figure out what His Will is for me, I am probably missing out on valuable time I could be spending with Him doing His Will!

Jesus said in John 5:19 "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. "

Jesus, I know "grew in wisdom". I don't know if He always knew (from childhood) that He was going to the cross...that is probably one of those things people could debate about. I don't believe He always knew exactly what was in store for his life at every moment...he was human, and we don't know that kind of stuff. One thing He did learn, though, was to walk close with God. He was wise, wise enough to know that God was always working, and that God is perfect. When He saw God at work, He joined right in. He was sensitive to God and what God was doing. I don't remember Jesus praying for God to "reveal Your purpose for my life", instead He acknowledged God's Will for His life. Perfect obedience. Never questioning.

Maybe I just need to pay more attention to God and less attention to me. Wax on, wax off. Just do it.

(Re post from June 18, 2003)

Friday, April 18, 2008

God is Love, Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness

The God I serve is Love.

He is Grace.

He is Mercy and Forgiveness.

What does that mean to me?

His love for me can not be more than it is at this moment. His love can not be less. While human love is conditional, His Divine Love is unconditional. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more, there is nothing you can do to make Him love me less. People have a tendency to love some people more than others, however, God's love is always the same, for everyone. People also find it easier to love someone who is nice to them, or treats them in a favorable way. God's love can envelope even those who despise Him. Jesus embraced His cross, He took my Sin upon Himself, and died for my sake. He became sin for me, and that sin was nailed to the cross. My sin died there and Jesus set me free from it. There is no greater love than that. (John 15:13)

Katie on retreatGod's Grace is amazing. When I recognized my sinful state for what it was, God's Grace is so amazing that there really is no shame. He even removes shame. When there is repentance, He can forgive and let me have a "do-over". I am reminded of the woman at the well (John 4:1-30), after Jesus finished speaking with this woman who had multiple husbands and was currently living with yet another man, the woman went to town to tell the people who she had just spoken with. She did not hide in shame, instead, she was bragging on Jesus and how he told her "everything she ever did". I find it wonderful that Jesus was able to speak in such love and compassion, that this woman instead of running off in embarrassment and shame, was able to walk away and speak to others about the Christ and His ways.

God uses the Holy Spirit to convict me of my sin and gently restores me. His still small voice can whisper to my heart, point out to me my sin, convict, and remind me of His love and amazing grace. His mercy and His forgiveness are gifts that He offers me to accept and I am so thankful to Him for that. His mercy exists because He has felt what I feel...He suffered as I suffer. Even as He suffered on the cross, He forgave. He forgives me for I know not what I do.Jesus the Comforter

The God I serve offers His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. When I accept that He smiles.

I do not believe the God I serve smiles when I refuse His love and forgiveness. When I choose sin over an obedient life in Him, He does not smile. He hurts. His heart breaks for the unrepentant. I can't stand to think that I break my Lord's heart! Ever!

God will NEVER smile on sin.

The God I serve offers love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

Thank you Father. May you give me faith and help me to remain obedient, that I may always feel your smile on me.

(Repost from April 2006)

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Is There Something To This?

A week or so ago Katie heard a message at a church she visited. She promptly advised me to listen to the podcast because she said it was for me.

Today another friend of mine said that during a message at her church tonight that I was brought to mind. She said it is a good message for me so she brought home a copy of that message on CD so that I might listen to it.

Both messages dealt with unforgiveness and bitterness that can result.

Is there something to this?

Is God using my friends to tell me something?

I don't feel like I have unforgiveness and bitterness...but is it all just hidden and/or unconfessed sin? Are my friends seeing this in me when I can't? Could this be what is hindering my relationship with God?

Why am I up at 1:00 AM?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Old Letters and a Voice From the Past

Inspired by a few questions a friend asked me recently, I dug out of my drawer some old letters. Some are from people I still have intermittent contact with, and some are people I have seen nor heard from in years. Some are from people I most likely will not see again, but hope to, and some are from people that I really have no reason to contact again. No bittersweet here, just sweet.

Reading through those letters brought to the forefront of my mind how much my heart was wrapped around those few people. In fact, one particular person still comes to mind frequently when I hear certain songs or see certain sights. Weird how that is. Some people really do carve a niche into a heart and remain always in the back of the mind I guess.

I made a call just in the hope I'd be able to make contact. I left my number with a message taker. Now I await a voice from the past, wondering if it will ever fill my ears again, wondering if it should.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Experiencing God

As a single person, I unfortunately, find it a lot easier to go out for breakfast than prepare my own at home. Ok, I should restate that and say as a lazy single person.

There are some disadvantages to this...spending the money and also it's most likely not the healthiest food choice, however, there are great advantages.

Some minor advantages are things like; I'm not doing any of the work of preparation or clean-up, and there is a bottomless cup of coffee. I looooove that part...too much...but, I digress.

The greatest advantage of my time spent at various eateries, are the relationships that develop over time with the servers. I genuinely try to get to know the servers that wait on me by name and chat with them when I can. I've spent years trying to share things of God with some people and today I experienced God breaking through, albeit in a small way...for now.

Today at a familar eatery, my server inquired about me and at one point asked if I have ever been married. Weird question, usually I'm asked "are you married", not "have you ever been", but anyway I told her no.

She went on to confess "I think I married the wrong person".

What was I supposed to say to that?

I must have looked somewhat stunned and there was an awkward moment there for sure. She continued on about how her blended family doesn't live like a family because everyone is doing their own thing and no one cares for each other at all. She's afraid to leave because she fears she won't be able to make it on her own. There's a bit more to the story, but I don't feel at liberty to discuss it here.

I wasn't exactly sure what to say, but I figured it was God opening some doors of communication, so I tried to share some encouragement and told her that I will pray for her and her situation. That's all I knew to do, and I have prayed for her, and will continue to lift her up.

God is so merciful and faithful, that even though I am having difficulty trusting Him, He still chooses to use me in His plan. This looks like a wonderful opportunity for me to start sharing about God. Me, experiencing God.

Friday, April 04, 2008

We Can't See It

I was talking with a friend yesterday because that's what friends do. They talk.

I was sharing some things I don't really like about myself and at one point she pointed out that we often can't see the things that other people love about us. She said (paraphrased) "there are things I love about you and you can't see them."

Such a simple statement. I don't think she could know the profundity of it in that moment she spoke it.

I can't see what it is people love about me? I wonder why that is? Is it because I am so often alone with my own thoughts? And I know my own thoughts?

Why are we sometimes so blinded to the good things about us? Why is it that I am so apt to see how selfish I am? That I so easily focus on my shortcomings?

I mean, if someone calls himself our friend, there obviously must be something that they like about us. I don't normally call myself a friend of someone I don't really like, you know? So, I must have likable parts.

I shared in my SaLT group years ago that I had always felt that I was a good and decent person, but since becoming a Christian (April 4, 1999 - Yay! Today's my born again birthday! I'm 9!) I feel like I am a worse person now. I feel as though I was a better person before I knew the Lord. One wise woman of the Word shared with me that day that when we become Christians our eyes are opened to sin, and the impact of sin. "The closer we get to God, the more 'ick' we see in ourselves". She wasn't saying that to affirm that I was "icky", but rather to teach me that like Isaiah, "I am a man of unclean lips", but went on to explain that we shan't call anything impure that God has made clean. When God looks at me, He doesn't see my "ick", He sees me filtered through His Perfect Son.

I need to get over myself.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Christ. Community. Music.

I just received my last issue of CCM Magazine, and it is the LAST printed issue ever. It's going exclusively online.

A few months back, CCM Magazine changed their name/tagline from "Contemporary Christian Music Magazine" to "Christ. Community. Music. Magazine" Good change I thought because CCM doesn't mean the same today as it did two to three decades ago. Christian music has evolved and "CCM" did become quite outdated.

I'm sad. I've subscribed to the magazine for nine years and I will miss it.

While I am an online junkie, I do enjoy reading through a printed magazine; at night before bed, on lunch break at work, in the dentist's waiting room, etc. It's just nice to have a magazine lying around the house for a quick pick up read.

Supposedly the remaining issues on my subscription will rollover to for music downloads, which will suffice, but I'm still sad.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I Messed Up Again

As I have been struggling through my spiritual wilderness, I was listening with intent interest to this today. (Click the link and allow it to load so you can listen while you read.)

What you will hear is just a snippet from a song, but it is a heart cry, my heart's cry at this time.

In this wilderness I sometimes feel I will never emerge from it. Now and then I will have a glimmer of hope that I am hearing from God, that I am sensing His presence, or that maybe I am not as far gone as I think that I am. Unfortunately those moments are fleeting and I am left feeling defeated again. I hold on to hope only because I do trust His Word which teaches me that He will never leave or forsake me. I cling to His promises even though it is sometimes very difficult to muddle through. I know that my Father loves me and can never not love me. He can never love me less than He already does, and He can not possibly love me more. He is love, and I am His.

In this wilderness it is so easy to just feel like I want to "chunk it". You know, just be done with trying to feel anything, it is so exhausting. Isn't that stupid? Or at least I want a "do-over".

I keep trying to do the right things. I am meeting with a woman from church every other week to do Bible study and be transparent. I'm not sure I'm being successful with transparency. I want to get to church, but my work schedule is really hindering that and I have been working more than I have been worshipping. It's really taking a toll on me and I figure it is one way satan is shooting arrows at me. I'm just having difficulty talking about where I am spiritually with anyone because I don't really know where I am. I guess I should just talk to the One who knows where I am. I should just talk to I Am.

I want to want to pray, rather than feel like I have to or that it is such a chore.

I want to be carefree in the Lord as I once was, rather than be strapped to legalistic thinking that I abhor.

I want to open my Bible and see His love, rather than decipher the metaphors and the parables.

I don't understand where I went wrong, but through some of this I can only blame myself for walking off the narrow.

"I messed up again." It's a theme in my life lately.

So, while driving today, I was listening to this music and realized that I am beating myself up. "I messed up again." "I messed up again." "I messed up again."

I keep trying to make myself worthy of God. Duh. Ummmmm...not possible Sue!

I guess I feel that if I can make myself worthy, I'll get out of this desert place I am in. That sure is taking on a lot of responsibility and if I am honest with myself, I know that I can't handle it. I'll just mess up again!

It's time to get down on my knees.

Snippet: Jennifer Knapp "Undo Me" - Jennifer Knapp Live