Monday, May 24, 2004

Thank You God...but it hurts

I thank God for the blessing in my life that I find in Sue. She is such a source of strength and encouragement for me. She has stuck by me through trial and triumph over the years. In fact, I believe that she has been the most stable source of strength and love that I have ever had in my life (apart from the One who brought us together). She is such a precious friend and I am so blessed that God chose to put her in MY life. But, on the other hand, I have this pain in my chest that won't leave me alone. I have such a mixed bag of emotions. Sometimes I feel like a fool for letting myself fall so hard so fast. My heart wants back what I have lost. My Spirit and my mind want to move forward and get past this excruciating hurdle of events. But, each time I seem to move ahead one step, I fall back two. I feel so stuck. My life was Good up until graduation. I was content to live a life without romance. I was happy with the idea that I would probably never be married again. But, then I took a chance on love. I felt that it was something God had arranged in my life and the more involved I became...the more it seemed to be so. I saw a relationship developing right before my eyes with God as the foundation and it was exciting! I dated somebody who shared my Christian values and the common denominator was our love for Him. I saw my relationship with Adam, not as a distraction from God but an enhancement to my relationship with God and others. I learned that when God brings two people together and they work their relationship based on His lead, that spiritual growth occurs...not barriers. Then, it was gone. Just as God dropped Adam into my lap out of nowhere when I least expected it...He was gone...the rug pulled out from under me. No warning, no explanation. Only "It was like a fire was burning and then I went numb." Bummer. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I feel like such a fool. I felt God's hand in all of it...until the last minute. When I looked into Adam's eyes and did not see God's love shining in my direction that night (as I had all along)...I got a knot in my stomach. I KNEW that something was terribly wrong and I was right. I just wish I could know for sure what that something was. It wouldn't help me to heal any faster but it would just help if I could make any kind of sense out of this whole thing. Oh there has been alot of speculation about Adam needing some healing and cold feet...but, I want something solid. Something that explains to me how a person can be pining one moment and cold the next. I feel like I did something wrong. I did. I fell for it. Hook line and sinker. This was a big step for me...putting my heart out there after 4 years since I left an abusive marriage of 11 years. I was so frightened. I wish I had followed my instincts and never gone on that first date...but then, I had the best three weeks of my life! It's amazing how the same memories that once brough joy are the same memories that rip my heart to shreds every moment of every day. Yes, I fell hard and was hard not to. I knew I risked getting a broken heart...but I just didn't expect it. A fool. That's me. A fool.

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