Monday, May 31, 2004

Being Good

Sometimes I get so sick of being "good". I'm having a down day today. I want off of this rollercoaster!

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Tornado Warning

The first real tornado threat of the year. We are all pretty jumpy having been through the horrid tornadoes of May 2003. It's been a year but it is amazing how the fear returns when the wind is howling, the rain is horizontal, the sirens sound, the sky is orange and Gary Pickens is warning people to take cover.

Woohooo! How exciting! And very scary!

Cheri, Katie's dog is shaking. Poor thing.

Katie is running around the house preparing the "tornado shelter" in the hallway between the kids' bedroom. She is easily excited and is making phone calls and giving everyone a play by play.

There's about 15 minutes left of the warning and apparantly a tornado was sighted north of here, heading northeast.

There is a lot of I think I should shut down for the moment.


Saturday, May 29, 2004

If We Are the Body...

Have you heard that very overplayed Casting Crowns song "If we are the body, why aren't His arms reaching? Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching?"

Interesting message.

I heard about something today that greatly disturbed me and it involves somebody that I know. I'm changing names/situations, but the point will get through.

A single mother has a tough job. She needs to provide financially for her children, in this case, her teenage daughter. She also needs to teach the child about life. Lucy works two jobs and tries to make ends meet, all the while forfeiting the time she can spend raising her child through the rough and impressionable adolescent years. If she's at work, she's not being a mother. If she's being a mother, she is unable to provide basic financial needs for herself and her child, because she is not working and earning money. It's a very difficult task, being a single mom. It's possible to do, but it seems one has to sacrifice one thing or another in order to do it successfully.

Now and then, things happen in life that cause stress and one of those things is financial strain. Sometimes, people end up in a very bad financial situation due to bad choices, and sometimes finances get pretty hairy due to unplanned expenses. One such expense is what one can incur when changing residences. Switching utilities, downpayments, not being able to move when originally planned and needing to pay for storage space, and a wealth of other circumstances drain the pocketbook.

Lucy was in need. She needed $125. That's all, $125. She needed it today. A friend of Lucy's suggested that she ask her church. Lucy said she didn't think that they would help, but after being encouraged by her friend, she called the church. The church idea fell through. They didn't seem eager to help Lucy, who faithfully attends worship and bible study each and every Sunday and Wednesday as she has for two years. Beth was dumbfounded that the church wasn't willing and eager to help Lucy. Lucy said she is a regular attender and tithes as God provides. She continued on to say that she understands that she gives to God, not to the church. Beth pondered that. If tithes are giving back to the Lord what He has blessed one with, why is it the church maintains control of the tithe? Isn't God entrusting that money to the church to be used to edify the Body and glorify God? If a church member/regular attender is in need, wouldn't the responsible thing be to help that person in need?

Acts 2:42-47

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

I'm not saying that a church should blindly hand out funds every time they are requested by someone, because that would not be good stewardship. The church does have a responsibility though, to its Body. Acts 2 exemplifies how a Body of believers should behave and that includes giving "to anyone as he had need". What bothered Beth most about this situation is that when it was suggested that Lucy ask her church for financial help, Lucy didn't trust that they would help her, and Lucy was right, unfortunately. As though it wasn't bad enough that the church didn't help her, but Lucy knew that they wouldn't! Is that a church that edifies the Body and glorifies God?

Beth shared Lucy's plight with another friend, and together they helped Lucy. Two people pulled together some resources and stepped in where Lucy's church failed. What has the church's behavior in this situation shown to Lucy's teenager? What does it say about Christians to Lucy's child? or to any other non-believing observer? That church will never know the far reaching effects of this. It won't know how its inaction undermines the credible witness of a few faithful followers.

Beth considers herself so unworthy of the blessing she was able to receive when Lucy accepted the gift.

So, if we are the body...

Friday, May 28, 2004

Beautiful Music

It finally happened! God has helped me to move on! He has given me my joy back! It happened Thursday night! Sue was right again! There is something about Thursday. On the way home from Target I heard a song called "Beautiful" by a new artist named Bethany Dillon. The song is all about how we seek to be pleasing in the eyes of our peers. She talks about how she cries herself to sleep and how she tried to be strong but failed. Then, she just talks about how she wants to be beautiful, make God stand in awe and be amazed when he looks inside heart. I sang the words in prayer. She asks God to help her back to glory! I prayed the words as I cried out to my Savior.

I came home and asked Sue to look this artist up on the internet. Her site has all the songs and the testimony behind each one. Of course all of it is biblically based and many of the scriptures she spoke of are the same scriptures God has been using in my life already. Other songs were about moving forward and pushing all hindrances aside, and how He is all I need, and being rescued from captivity...I could go on all day. One thing that really stuck out though is the fact that she used the scripture about faith that spoke to me through the very first card I ever got from Adam. God spoke to my heart again about faith being your soul reaching beyond what your eyes can see. She said something about how if we have everything we want we can't hope for anything. Hope is in what we don't have. I thought that was profound! Some may think "dah" but this girl is only 15 years old and speaks with wisdom that can only come from God.

Another song was written in behalf of the longing that is in most women to have the love of a husband. It starts out as if God was talking and telling her that he wants her to take His hand and dance with Him and how He wants her to be willing to fight for His love. There is so much more to this than I can put into words. Through this I was reminded of the One who has been my husband for years already and how He longs for me to long for Him. He is a hopeless romantic. He wants to romance me...and He is.

Our alarm is set for American Family Radio. I have been waking up to songs the past few days such as Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew, and yesterday I was awakened to Mercy Me's "Here With Me". This morning, the song playing was, "I love you more than the sun and the stars that I taught how to shine...." What a way to wake up! I just whispered, "I love you too, my Lord."

I have a Savior who is real! He is obsessed with love for me! I am consumed! He truly is the Lover of My Soul. He is EVERYTHING that matters! I AM in love! And this love is everlasting...deeper than the ocean, higher than the highest stretches beyond all creation! The best part about it, is that it's never changing and never ending. He will truly NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER leave me or forsake me!

He has given me a future and a hope. I have direction about my life again. He reminded me through music again that I should never stop dreaming! He reminded me of my calling in life and that I should not put limits on Him and what He can do. He is FAITHFUL! OH I LOVE HOW BEAUTIFUL MUSIC SPEAKS TO ME! Lead on with your unfailing love, Lord! We are in this together! I am the clay!!!


God Day II

Since I was so upset on Thursday, I wasn't able to blog about the awesome God day that Sue and I had on Wednesday. God spoke to me also through music and the book of John yesterday. Anyhow, here is what happened with our God day. I learned from John 6:35 that I need to do (And I will do) God's will. My heart must not hunger for the temporal things of this world. It must hunger and thirst for God. I then prayed for a starving hunger and parching thirst for my Father that only He can the deer pants for the water...

I then talked to God about how easily His children can get distracted from Him even by the gifts He gives us. We can even convince ourselves that we are not distracted! Sue observed that maybe that's why He withholds gifts sometimes. Sue also made an observation about John 6:21 "Then they willingly received Him into the boat and immediately the boat was at the land they were going". She observed that maybe the boat is a man's heart, or in my case, a woman's.

Then something amazing dawned on me. Jesus SAW GOD! I know...Jesus IS God. But, my point is that Jesus came to Earth having been WITH GOD! LIKE IN HIS FACE! EVERY DAY! No wonder He had such power over temptation! (See John 6:46.)Funny how things you know all of a sudden take on new meaning or it's like..."the light finally came on!" I heard it, I knew it but I really got it this time! I hope I am making sense.

I must feed on God through reading His Word!! John 6:63 says, "The words I speak to you are Spirit and they are life!!!" This is true! His Word IS life to me!

It's amazing how my God comes to me and reaches down to me when I am hurting! He has never failed me...never...not one time...EVER!

Thursday, May 27, 2004


There is also another anniversary of this day that I just realized.......this is weird. Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary if I was still married. Just an observation.


Yay! Thursday is finally here! Actually, it's exactly one week since my last time seeing Adam face to face. It's exactly one week from realizing that something was not right with Adam. When I asked Sue when the hurt would go away, she said Thursday! That's her response whenever I ask her when anything is going to happen. So, it's I get to be healed! I wish. I'll be blogging about yesterday later. I do feel like I am getting a bit better but I still have a ways to go. It's not even been a week. I just wish sometimes that I could fast forward about 3 months into the future. Surely my heart will be healed by then!

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

God Day

YAY! A God day! Finally!

Katie and I used to set aside one day each week for a "God day" as we called them. Basically, it was our Sabbath. Each Wednesday I would take a day off and we would plan a day at Pickwick.

We would start out the day loading up Chuck, my truck, with blankets, Bibles, books and music. We would head on out and stop for breakfast along the way at Linny's. They had great hashbrowns, and hashbrowns determine where I eat breakfast! Anyway, after breakfast we'd stock up on some snacks and drinks and then head on down to Pickwick.

Once we arrived we'd usually find a nice place to spread out our blankets and just sit there. Sometimes I'd nap in the warm sun, Katie would walk along the river's edge, all the while enjoying God's creation. It was so enjoyable, just to sit and listen to all the sounds of nature and feel God all around. We'd always find time to pray and then it would be time to study. Usually we had a Bible study in the works that we'd do, but other times we simply read scripture and discussed what God was teaching us through the verses. It was such a great time to spend with God and He always blessed us.

After a wonderful day of prayer, praise and study, we'd head home, pick the kids up from school and then do dinner. After dinner, all of us would head on to church and await more of God's teaching there. Those were the days!

We haven't had a "God day" since moving to Humboldt. The sad part is, we moved here just about three years ago! Ugh! The insanity!

I can tell I haven't had a "God day" in awhile. Boy, has my spiritual life suffered from not heeding that simple principle! REMEMBER THE SABBATH AND KEEP IT HOLY!

The events over the past few weeks have left both of us somewhat reeling. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for both of us. The interesting thing is that Katie's extreme high was my extreme low, and now tables are turned slightly. What all of it has taught the both of us is that we have lost sight of what is truly important, and that is our individual relationships with our Savior.

So, today was God day.

We have said all the while we've lived here that we need to find a place to have God days. I know that God is everywhere, but there is something about going off somewhere, away from the chaos of normal, everyday living, to help calm the soul and be able to listen to the still small voice of our Creator.

Well, after three years, we found a lake nearby. It's just a fishing lake, but it's decent and will be a great place to simply wander off into the wilderness and maybe even take a boat out onto the lake and do some Bible study. It's no Pickwick, but it'll do.

We didn't have our Bible's with us at the lake when we stopped by it, but we lingered awhile listening to some of our favorite praise tunes in Jeepers. We walked along the dock observing the waves on the water's surface, and listening to it lap on the shore. It was enjoyable and nice to be out enjoying nature.

We had to leave because I was going to go to the doctor, and Katie's daughter had a dental appointment, but once we converged at home again, God gave us a God day.

Katie headed out to the swing with her Bible in hand. I asked if I could tag along and she was fine with that. The swing sure has seen better days! The squirrels have stolen most of the padding from the seat of the swing for their luxury condos in the treetops of the backyard. Oh well, as long as the swing will hold us, we shall swing! Swing to the Lord! LOL Oh, got carried away!

Katie and I pondered over the last few weeks and talked about a lot of heart stuff. I so enjoy the communication she and I have as sisters in Christ. You know, there is something very significant about relationships between's something non-believers just can't comprehend. I know this, I was once a non-believer and friendships just weren't the same. Anyway, Katie began reading about Jesus feeding the five-thousand. We stopped now and then to discuss the verses. Katie started journaling some of the revelations she was getting and I can't wait for her to share them all! It is such a cool experience to be in God's Word and have Him begin to reveal things about Himself that were, until that moment, undiscovered. Wow. The Bible really does come alive!

I pondered about Jesus creating "wormholes". For real...check this out...

John 6:20-21 "But he said to them, "It is I; don't be afraid." Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading."

Do you see it? Jesus got in the boat and immediately the boat reached the shore. Somewhat reminiscent of "beam me up"! Was it actually immediate arrival after Jesus got in the boat? or did it just seem like it? Maybe they just enjoyed His company so much, it seemed like their time together ended too fast, like the Women of Faith Conference of two weeks ago...I enjoyed myself so much, it seemed like it was over in a matter of minutes! The other gospel accounts do not mention the immediate arrival, but it was still something fun to think about for a few minutes. When you are dealing with an Eternal being, it is no wonder that time loses some meaning.

We were on that swing contemplating God and His ways for hours. It was so neat! It was so needed! It was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdue!

God day.

God created it. Exodus 20: 8 "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy."

It is good.

A Survey of Christians

For those of you who like to voice your opinion, here's another survey.

A Survey of Christians This study is being done by Prof. Mark Vincent, Dept. of Psychology, Augustana College, Rock Island, IL (USA). This is a survey of the attitudes, beliefs and behaviors of Christians. Due to the nature of the survey, it will only make sense for those who consider themselves Christians to complete it. Completing the entire survey should take no longer than 15-20 minutes.

I was pointed to this survey via Travis at Food For Fish.

Katie Update

I just want to say thank you to those of you who have been following Katie's heartbreak of the last week or so. She has received emails and comments on her posts that have touched her heart and have been very encouraging to her.

Thank you for lifting her up to the Lord in prayer. Those prayers are working. Her heart is hurting, but her trust is in the Lord and she is looking forward to that joy that comes in the morning!

She really has appreciated the kind notes of support from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Each day I notice that the hurt seems a bit less. She has those moments of doubt, anxiety, and pain, but as the Lord answers our prayers, she is being healed and transformed.

She has victory in the Lord!

Doctor's Visit

Well, I did it, I went to the doctor.

I don't like going to the doctor when all I have is a cold. I would much rather tough it out and build up antibodies!

Well, the dizziness over the last couple of days concerned me so I went to be checked out. Good news! (accent="arnold") It's not a tumor! (/accent)

I have a sinus infection and I do have liquid behind my ears, which is causing my dizziness and lightheaded feeling. Got some drugs that should take care of things...but all I care about is the one for vertigo.

Thank you Lord for those in the medical profession...not only the ones performing "miracle surgeries", but for those willing to treat even the slightest of sniffles.


Oh, what an adorable pic my sister just sent of her family!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

A Moment

I want to feel nothing. I want to be numb. Why can't I just feel nothing? I'll be okay. I am having a bi-polar moment. I am not bi-polar in's a temporary thing (I hope!)

God Speaks

Yesterday God was speaking to my heart. Little did I know, at nearly the same time, on the other side of the World, in Poland, a man was praying.......for me.

I read his prayer in the comments section and decided to send him an email. He has given me permission to share this on our blog.

Here it is:


Thank you so much or that wonderful heartfelt prayer. God was speaking to my heart as you were probably speaking to His. It's funny, the same cards that Adam and I sent to one another during our time of joy together...are the speaking deeply to my heart in my time of sorrow. God even threw my own words back at me. One card to Adam went like this:

"There are so many uncertainties in this life. Day by day, moment by moment, we know not what the future holds. But, we do know who holds our future. Trust Him."

I also added, "There are many uncertainties in human relationships. WE have both experienced much pain because of that. I am glad that we can know that our future does not depend on man but on God and He knows what is best. I do trust Him. I do."

When I read this I thought, "Okay, I did, I? Yes! Yes I do!"

He has been speaking me so much today through songs on the radio where he tells me that He loves me more than the sun and the stars that He taught how to shine and He wants me to shine for Him too. I said, "I want to shine for you, Lord, but you have to teach me again!"

I also glanced at my calendar and read the scripture for the month...for the first time and it was Isaiah 40:11. I love the book of Isaiah! This scripture reads, "...he gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."

Sue has been praying for God to hold me close to His heart and this was affirmation to me that He is doing just that. This morning I cried out to Him. I told Him that my head knows He is holding me but I can't feel it. I begged Him to help me to feel it. I do now.

The first card Adam sent me said, "Faith is allowing your soul to go beyond what your eyes can see. For we walk by faith, not by sight 2 Corinthians 5:7."

Then Adam wrote, "I have learned to walk by His hand leading me. I want so much that His will be done between us."

So, I am thinking...this must be God's will even though it doesn't make sense...which is exactly how God works anyhow!!!

Here is a card that came after we set boundaries..."True freedom is not having our own way but yielding to God's way. Show me thy ways oh, Lord. Teach me thy paths. Lead me in Thy truth and teach me; for Thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day. Ps. 25: 4-5."

Then Adam wrote, "It is so wonderful that we are not bound to the world's ideas but given an everlasting guide to freedom of loving God's way."

I realized by the time I read this one again that loving Adam God's way is letting Him go and praying for Him. I must let Him go and stop trying to figure this out. I have to just surrender to God's way.

Here is a portion of a note he sent me later, "...Another boundary is the one with God. I want you to be very disciplined in your relationship with God in that if you ever feel that this is in any kind of way hindering that, please bring that to me. I really want an open and completely honest relationship with you and I believe that is what we are. Please don't ever be afraid that you cannot express what is on your heart or mind because this has been on mine. I do not ever want to be a stumbling block to your walk with Christ."

At first I thought...this IS a stumbling block Adam! but, it's only a stumbling block because I am focused on what i can see and not beyond that to where my soul can take me in faith.

I have prayed this to God, "Help me to accept this. Lead me in Your truth and teach me. For you are the God of my salvation. On You will I wait all the day. Help me to remember this!"

I am glad that Adam truly has been honest with me and even though I read his old e-mails and wondered if he really meant them...I think he did at the time. Something just changed in his heart and he was honest with me about it.

I am a lady in waiting...not for Adam to come back (although that would be MY preference at this time), but I am a lady waiting on God. I am having a God moment now and I feel strong. But, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions so please, don't stop praying for me yet! It's helping...ALOT!


I ask that all members of the Body lift me up through this difficult time. I also ask for prayer as there are other ways that the family is being attacked at this time.

Monday, May 24, 2004


Man, this grieving buisness is for the birds! I hope it passes quickly. I feel like I am bi-polar or something!

Dignity and Grace?

So much for handling things well. I guess I am not who Sue thinks I am. Dignity and grace aren't exactly the words I would use to describe me at this point. I am still praying and trusting that God will bring something good from all of this. But, at this point, I don't see it happening. I feel like I have fallen back from years of healing that had taken place. Beauty from ashes (a painting of my life)was a it is a trigger because the fire has burned down the forest a second time and once again...the beauty that was created is nothing but ashes. Somebody broke this butterfly's wings.

The Lake Part 3

It was a week ago that I had that glorious day at the lake. I walked and talked with Adam. I praised God on the shoreline for the way He was blessing my life. I thought things were moving forward. Adam even later told me that he considered us a couple and he wasn't going anywhere. All the while I thought things were moving forward, in reality they were digressing. Adam was having second thoughts while still treating me as if we were indeed moving forward. Maybe he was just trying to convince himself. I don't feel like he deliberatly deceived me. I think he deceived himself and it just fell over on to me in the process. Apparently, the relationship that I thought was founded on God...was quite the opposite. It was nothing but deception of the heart on both our parts. I think we both were hoping for something...wanting something in our lives that just wasn't there.

The Heart

The heart is decietful above all things...Pay attention! I thought I was following God. I knew the heart was decietful so I refused to believe that I was letting it lead...but, it did. Even though I prayed so hard all day every day that I would follow God and not let my heart take off on me...even though I thought I was keeping my feet on the ground...I was experiencing a fairy tale come true or so I thought(I was swept away quickly) was decieving me. Fairy tales don't come true. This is life. It's cold, hard, and heartbreaking and we can only hope for the joy that comes when we are in eternity with God. That should be my focus...not on things that are romance. I thought God was giving me plunder...I praised Him for His mercy and blessings...but all along, even though it all seemed so right...I knew. I knew it was only temporary because that is just the way life is. I waited for the bottom to fall out and it did. I think I have regressed in the healing that was accomplished over the last 4 years. I am not well.

Thank You God...but it hurts

I thank God for the blessing in my life that I find in Sue. She is such a source of strength and encouragement for me. She has stuck by me through trial and triumph over the years. In fact, I believe that she has been the most stable source of strength and love that I have ever had in my life (apart from the One who brought us together). She is such a precious friend and I am so blessed that God chose to put her in MY life. But, on the other hand, I have this pain in my chest that won't leave me alone. I have such a mixed bag of emotions. Sometimes I feel like a fool for letting myself fall so hard so fast. My heart wants back what I have lost. My Spirit and my mind want to move forward and get past this excruciating hurdle of events. But, each time I seem to move ahead one step, I fall back two. I feel so stuck. My life was Good up until graduation. I was content to live a life without romance. I was happy with the idea that I would probably never be married again. But, then I took a chance on love. I felt that it was something God had arranged in my life and the more involved I became...the more it seemed to be so. I saw a relationship developing right before my eyes with God as the foundation and it was exciting! I dated somebody who shared my Christian values and the common denominator was our love for Him. I saw my relationship with Adam, not as a distraction from God but an enhancement to my relationship with God and others. I learned that when God brings two people together and they work their relationship based on His lead, that spiritual growth occurs...not barriers. Then, it was gone. Just as God dropped Adam into my lap out of nowhere when I least expected it...He was gone...the rug pulled out from under me. No warning, no explanation. Only "It was like a fire was burning and then I went numb." Bummer. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I feel like such a fool. I felt God's hand in all of it...until the last minute. When I looked into Adam's eyes and did not see God's love shining in my direction that night (as I had all along)...I got a knot in my stomach. I KNEW that something was terribly wrong and I was right. I just wish I could know for sure what that something was. It wouldn't help me to heal any faster but it would just help if I could make any kind of sense out of this whole thing. Oh there has been alot of speculation about Adam needing some healing and cold feet...but, I want something solid. Something that explains to me how a person can be pining one moment and cold the next. I feel like I did something wrong. I did. I fell for it. Hook line and sinker. This was a big step for me...putting my heart out there after 4 years since I left an abusive marriage of 11 years. I was so frightened. I wish I had followed my instincts and never gone on that first date...but then, I had the best three weeks of my life! It's amazing how the same memories that once brough joy are the same memories that rip my heart to shreds every moment of every day. Yes, I fell hard and was hard not to. I knew I risked getting a broken heart...but I just didn't expect it. A fool. That's me. A fool.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Katie is Crying

Katie is in the other room and I can hear her hurtful cries of heartbreak and pain.

I hate this.

I don't know what to do. I'm staying away figuring if she needs a shoulder, she knows mine's here.

I think right now she wants to be alone to cry her eyeballs out.

I feel helpless.

I hate this.

She hates it more.

Oh, God, please take the pieces of my sister's broken heart and heal them and make it new again.

In Awe


42"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles"

God is really working in me. I can feel Him. It's been awhile, but He's there.

We shared the breaking of the bread at church today. Katie made sure I checked my heart. I love that she cares so much for me, even with her broken heart, she made sure I left my animosity and brewing bitterness at the feet of Jesus. What did I ever do to deserve the friendship in my sister that God has given me?

I was somewhat distracted during Chuck's message. While Chuck was teaching, I was only half paying attention. This is what I wrote on my program it's not permissable to call it a "bulletin" at Northbrook. LOL

I am distracted by the scene in front of me. Communion plates. Shiny, bright, clean, silver. Discarded white cloth in a clump strewn across the table. On three of the plates are partial loaves of bread. Broken bread. It's staring at me. I broke that bread. Sacrifice exemplified. A picture of Christ set before me today. Christ's broken body.

In Awe.

We should be in awe at the breaking of the bread.

The Public

Sometimes I wonder why I enjoy my music retail job as much as I do. There seems to be so much abuse in the field, abuse heaped onto employees by the general public.

Ticketmaster is the cause of a lot of the "stress" of the job. Ever since we became an outlet about a year and a half ago it has been a pain.

As a Ticketmaster outlet, we can sell tickets to any Ticketmaster venue in our "region". The region is basically any venue south of Nashville and east of Memphis. This means I can sell tickets to Atlanta, to Orlando, to Jackson, MS, but NOT to Chicago, Cleveland, St. Louis or Detroit. I simply do not have the "permissions" necessary to sell to venues outside of our region.

Yesterday a couple came in to purchase tickets to a show in Detroit. They were told we could not do that, Detroit is out of our region. This upset them greatly. The man basically told my assistant that she was "lying" because three months ago he "bought tickets to a Detroit show in here". She restated that we are not able to sell tickets to shows outside our region and proceeded to call Ticketmaster to verify. (We have a Ticketmaster hotline to call to ask questions like these...we will usually default to it to pacify problem customers who just don't understand. We will exhaust every resource so that they know we did our best to serve them.) This did not please the couple because they were convinced that the reason that they couldn't get tickets was because my assistant didn't know what she was doing. They were also mistaken that they had ever purchased tickets for Detroit through us, it's impossible. The woman said to the man "let's come back later when this stupid _itch isn't here, she doesn't know what she's doing."

The customer is always right, eh?


Saturday, May 22, 2004

Dignity and Grace

Katie is handling this like the Godly woman she is. She is in control, and is displaying nothing but dignity, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

I on the other hand am NOT! I can't help it, I really have the urge to slug him!

Yep, God is still working on that Fruit of the Spirit in me! Sometimes I feel like such an immature Christian.

A Bizarre Twist

Okay, as if it wasn't enough that Romeo suddenly had a change of heart....

He called me last night. I felt sick and hopeful at the same time. I think the sick part was more appropriate. He greeted me, "Hey!" and then went on to brag about how proud he was of his daughter who graduated. Then he said he just wanted to gloat. I said "I am proud for her". He said "How are you?" Not in a way of concern but just like it was something to say to create conversation. I told him "Well, I've had a rough day." He acted as if he didn't know why. Then he said that he thought we could still chat and talk about what is going on in our lives...and asked "We're still friends aren't we? I just thought I'd call and say 'Hey'".

I couldn't believe it. If all of this wasn't bizarre enough! A few days ago he was going on about how he "[found] comfort in knowing the presence of a woman (or in this case a queen) to serve beside him in the confines of a godly home and take joy in knowing her heart." Then a few days later he feels nothing. Now HE WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND???? As if the "dear john" letter wasn't enough! Now the knife gets reinserted into the open wound!

I tried to explain to him how I was feeling but his cell phone conveniently went out of range. He never called least not yet.

I told him that this was crazy and none of it made any sense. It's not that I can't ever be friends with him (well I can't now) but, I feel like he has taken the easy way out. I feel like I deserve an explanation....FACE TO FACE!

I never trusted in Adam. I knew he was a man and he could fail me at any point. I have placed my trust in God through all of this and I still do. But, even if he has a good explanation and even if a miracle does happen and somehow God brings us back will be hard for me to trust that this won't happen again.

I feel like I deserve better than this from him. I am a good person. I never try to hurt anybody on purpose. Why do the people I give my heart to keep stomping on it? What is it about me? It took me 4 years to feel safe to put my heart out there again....and I feel that it has been undone in less than a month.

Friday, May 21, 2004

My Sister Hurts

I hate that my sister hurts. I makes me hurt too.

End of Story

Well, it came...the Dear John letter. Prince Charming has left Cinderella broken hearted at the altar of love. I don't get it. How can it go from bliss to destruction in a matter of hours? What happened? I feel like my heart has been ripped out and smashed. Guess that's the norm for a jilted love huh? It doesn't make sense. None of it. I don't know why I fell so hard so fast. I was sure this was God's handiwork. I let Adam lead. I followed. Then he gets cold feet out of nowhere...and it's over. Now I'm not sure of anything anymore. But never faith will not be shaken and after some time, I will heal and life will go on.

The End

Troubled Waters

Quick! Somebody build a bridge! Something isn't right! It appears that the day at the lake wasn't so perfect. Apparantly Adam was preoccupied with other things that day and it took away from his being able to have the pleasure and enjoyment that I did. Ever since then, something hasn't been right. He doesn't have that sparkle in his eye or the excitement that was so elating this time last week. He doesn't look at me the same way and the conversation has turned to small talk. I don't know what happened. Did I say something? Is he having second thoughts? His wounds from his divorce apparantly haven't healed all the way yet...perhaps this is too much too soon. I don't know what's going on. I need to find out. If I'm going to have my heart broken I'd rather it be now than later. I'm a grown up. I can handle it. I knew things were just "too good" to be true...I kept waiting for the bottom to fall out...maybe I am reading too much into this...maybe I'm not reading enough. Pray for us friends.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

I Didn't Have To Be So Rude!

My last customer this evening brought his CD to the check out. He kind of tossed it to the counter ranting "that is a ridiculously high price for that CD!" I thought to myself, yet, you choose to buy it. We get that kind of comment a lot at the store, and frankly, I get tired of it. I figure if you don't like the price, don't buy it. That's what I do.

Anyway, I responded jokingly "Well, I don't set the prices, I just work here." and he replied sternly "I didn't say you did, you don't have to be so rude!".

I said nothing, I thought about apologizing for coming across "rude", but then I thought, wait a minute, HE was the rude one...not me! So, I said nothing. I finished checking him out, he left without his receipt and defiantly threw the bag on the floor as he walked out with the CD.

I guess he showed me!

Some people.

I had a rough day with customers today. One nicely dressed gentleman came in and asked for the jazz music. I asked if he was looking for a particular artist and he said he didn't know the name, but the song was called "Deep". I asked if it was a new, a current, song? He said "Do you have the jazz person here?" I said, "no, we really don't have any jazz expert on staff" and he shook his head and said "Do you have anyone here who knows anything about music?" and I answered, "yes, that would be me" and I probably would be considered the only one on staff who knows a little about jazz. I was as good as it was gonna get for him! He shook his head side to side with a bit of a smurk. Now, I was somewhat offended by his previous comment and his non-verbal expression, but I continued to try to help him. He would say "I don't know if it's new honey, I just heard it about fifteen minutes ago, and I've heard it a few times over the past couple of months baby." I really don't appreciate the "honey" and the "baby" talk...especially when I've already been insulted once.

I asked "are there vocals in it?" and he said "no, that would be pop music. This is jazz baby, it's jazz." I guess jazz doesn't have anyone singing ever. Hmmmm, glad to know that. Somebody, quick, tell Billy Holiday, Diana Krall, Peter Cincotti and any other jazz vocalist that they sing pop music!

I asked, what instruments are prominent in the song? (I don't like using the word "song" because a song is a piece that has words, so he established already that there weren't any vocals, therefore no words, so it's not a song!) but I continued to forge ahead. He said "I don't know baby, 98.9 would know. Call them." I asked "what are the call letters?" and he didn't know that either. "They're out of Memphis, call information." I was getting perturbed but called information for him. I gave him the radio station number, but as I have learned, it is very rare to talk to a person anymore at the stations, and as I figured, he got nowhere with that. I tried looking up the song title "deep" on the computer and cross referencing it with all "jazz" titles, but two-hundred or so titles came up and since he really had no clue what he was looking for, that got me nowhere as well. I did all I could do to help him, but he just needs a bit more information to go on. He was very agitated with me, he made that obvious, and I did nothing but exhaust every resource I had to try to help him. Grrrrrrrrr. Frustrating!

Then there was the dude who came in and said "you know that Mario Winan's song 'I don't Wanna Know'?" I said "yes" and then he asked "I'm looking for a song and it sounds like that." *eyeballs rolling in the back of my head*

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Who is Sue?

I have an assignment from a very dear friend of mine. I counseled with her today. I thought it would be good to talk with her because I need someone to help me wade through many of the confusing thoughts and feelings I have been having. I think it was helpful. She asked me some different things that really made me think and then she wrote on a napkin at the table, "Who is Sue?". She wants me to really ponder that for awhile and she's asked me to list out the adjectives I would use to identify me.

She told me that I will grieve the loss of my framily. I can't stop that from happening. She asked me what I the end, when all is said and done and I'm sitting in my house alone...what do I want? I said "I want to feel the presence of God so big in my life that it encompasses my entire being so much that it won't hurt when people move in and out of my life." I thought that was pretty profound! She replied "Oh, so you don't want to love."

That stopped me in my tracks.

I see Katie, and the beautiful butterfly she has become. I told Tommye that when I first met Katie she was so broken. So lifeless. So hopeless. God has used me in her life and I have had the blessing of watching Katie crawl up out of the cocoon and work hard to now be able to stand on her own two feet. Now God has put a wonderful Christian man in her life and she is ready for this relationship. To see her able to be romanced and imagine a marriage in her future, well, for me that is "mission accomplished".

I don't know the plans God has for my life. But, I do know that they are plans to prosper. I do know that they are plans to grow me. I can trust God in that. Afterall, when I left IA with nothing but a U-haul filled with my possessions, He gave me a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and work to do. When I quit my job in IA, and left my church, and left my friend of 14 years, I was riding down the center of God's Will. I felt confident. I plan to do the same thing this time. I'm not confident in me, but I am confident in God. He will carry me through this transition in my life as He has every other.

The friend and sister I counseled with today wanted to know what my issue was. I said "I'm afraid"..."of what?". I'm afraid to be alone. She kept asking "What are you really afraid of?". I kept saying "of being alone". She would ask me that at various times throughout our conversation and at one point I asked "is there a right answer to the question?" LOL I don't know what else I am afraid of! I fear not having a person here to share laughs with, sorrows with, bible study with. Who's gonna read to me at bedtime? I really think that being alone is what I am afraid of, but now I'm even questioning that!

"I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am."

Tommye gave me that quote, I forget who she said said it. I've been pondering that as I try to answer the question "Who is Sue?"


In all the splendor and beauty of what God is doing in my life these days, I can't help but have this pain in my heart. I think of my sister who has loved and cared for me and my children over the years. It is so hard to enjoy the blessings when I know that my friend is hurting so much. We have been a framily for 4 years almost. And it is wonderful! I love this framily and I love my life! I was perfectly content with things before I met Adam. I have made excuses to God for some time now about how I am just to busy to have a relationship, I'm happy with things just as they are..why rock the boat? I would tell God...Now is not the time. I think He decided that I would make excuses forever and he just decided that it is time and PLOP there was Adam!

We weren't prepared for this. This is why I was so nervous about meeting him that first night. I was afraid I might like him and well,I did like him and here we are today. I wish Sue could share my joy. I hate that my joy has to hurt my friend who God also gave me several years ago. I love Sue and I feel her pain, her fear of what is to come...

I can't stand to think about her here without us some day. We knew all along that the arrangement was more than likely temporary and that one day God would send somebody to relieve Sue of the awesome responsibility that she has managed so well over the past few years. Even though it's still in the early stages and anything could happen at this point, this is the closest to that reality that we have come. Sometimes I feel so torn. I am happy about the new relationship I have...but I am so heartbroken that my joy is bringing sorrow to my friend. She is excited for me but she has loved us and done so much...I think my point is made.

It's hard not to feel sad and somewhat guilty when I am enjoying Adam's company. I still want to spend time with my friend (I think more than she realizes). But, it's hard to talk about my joy with her because it is happening to me. I know God is going to provide for Sue should this turn into a more serious commitment between Adam and myself...but's not going to be painless. For any of us. My heart aches deeply...constantly because it seems so unfair that she would work so hard to change my life for the better...and I get the reward. Oh, God please help us through this!

Faster or Slower?

It appears as though what happened at the lake has ushered Adam and I into a new phase of this relationship. I kinda like where we are at this point. It seems we are coming down to earth a bit. We want to take this slow and want to follow God as He turns each page. Sometimes it's difficult to know if God is telling us to speed things up or slow things down. Sometimes I feel like we might be dragging our feet because of the need to protect ourselves from past mistakes and hurt that still lingers. Maybe God wants to move us forward but we are stuck due to wounds that haven't quite healed all the way. Then again, I can't help but think about how wonderful it is to take things slowly. We have agreed that we are building memories together and we want them to be special so we are trying to be careful about how we do things. The best part about all of this is that we are so committed to praying that we walk beside our Father...not ahead of Him, not behind Him....and above all we seek to honor Him in our relationship.

Adam told me today that he wants to take the time to get to know every little detail about me as a person so that......oh I can't say the's too nauseating for the general public! Sorry.

He has taken two broken people who's lives were in rubble, and now He is beginning to bring forth beauty from the ashes!

Father, may we walk with You and honor You in all we do!

The Lake Part 2

I left out one special moment at the lake. I wrote in my last blog about the time I had being romanced by God as I waded my feet in the water. While I was having a quiet moment with God I happened to look over at Adam who was watching me...smiling. I can NOT put into words the beauty and perfection of the day!

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Lake

Well, we had our date at the lake! Finally! I counted the days, the minutes! It couldn't have been a more beautiful day! Thank you, God! My Heavenly Father was with me all day...speaking to me, interacting with me. He even allowed for some quiet time between us as Adam napped on the shoreline. The temperature was perfect, the music in nature surrounding me was perfect, the breeze was perfect and I could feel the breath of God breathing into me through it all. I wandered off to a place at a distance from where Adam was sleeping and I waded in the water for a bit before sitting down. Then, I looked over at Adam and thanked God for the moment. This turned into a wonderful conversation with my Lord that went on for about 15 or 20 minutes. God was all around me! Everywhere I looked and in every sound and smell. My senses were alive with excitement for His presence in my life and how He was romancing me in that special moment. Everything was so perfect. I think that was the highlight of the day (of course there was that other very special moment involving a kiss...)

Saturday, May 15, 2004

The Withered Hand

I'm somewhat hesitant to post this. I fear I may reveal more about me than I ever planned to online.

The Women of Faith Conference was excellent as usual. I was sick with a VERY sore throat and some sinus trouble because I caught a cold just before heading to Nashville. My illness kind of put a damper on things because with a sore throat it is difficult for me to get into praise and worship because I can't really sing. (Not that I can sing without a cold! LOL) I'm still worshipping, only silently, but it's restrained when I can't sing, and I don't like it. I wasn't much for fellowshipping either since I didn't feel physically well and went to bed as soon as possible on Friday night. I am also going through a COB and struggling a bit emotionally and spiritually, but I am praising God for the work He is obviously doing in me, even though the rebellious spirit in me is fighting Him every step of the way!

All of the messages from the conferences were great, I have brought home more knowledge of Him than I had before I left. Each of the speakers always has some new and interesting insight to share, and much of this weekend was very convicting to me. Convicting and reassuring. Even Hopeful.

Now I am going to share about the message that God used to really convict me. It was during one of the drama presentations by the very gifted and talented, God-anointed Nicole Johnson.

Mark 3

1Another time he went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. 2Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath. 3Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, "Stand up in front of everyone."

4Then Jesus asked them, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they remained silent.

5He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. 6Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.

The above verses from Mark were read by the narrator. Then, piece by piece, Johnson explored each verse separately, as if a lawyer or something.

"...a man with a shriveled hand was there." Johnson pointed out that we don't know why the man's hand was shriveled, or withered as stated in some translations. It may have been from an injury, or maybe he was born with a withered hand. Scripture does not identify the reason the hand was withered.

As she continued on through the verses, she would portray the different "characters" in the scene. Sometimes she was the man with the shriveled hand, other times she represented the Pharisees, and other times she portrayed Jesus. Other times she was just offering "thoughts" on the scene being played out before us. She is so anointed. So anointed.

"Some were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus..." Johnson went so far as to wonder if the man with the withered hand had been "pushed" to the front of the crowd by some of those looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, enticing Him to perform work on the Sabbath. She offered up some other scenarios that could have been played out, but regardless, Jesus commanded the man with the withered hand to "Stand up in front of everyone".

This man most likely hid his deformity. He probably kept that hand tight up against his body so no one could see. Johnson portrayed this by holding her right hand high up against her chest, and cowering slightly.

Jesus then questioned the Pharisees and asked if it were lawful to do good on the Sabbath? This is the first part that really struck a chord in me. Johnson, as does scripture, compares the withered hand of that one man, to the hearts of those accusing him. Jesus saw the withered hand of that man just as everyone else did, but He also saw something more...He saw the withered hearts of the men who were questioning Him. He was angered and distressed by their stubborn hearts.

When Jesus looked around and became distressed by the withered hearts of those men, he commanded the man with the withered hand to "Stretch out your hand". This part really got me good. Johnson portrayed the man with the withered hand responding to Jesus' command. At first, he was shy and refused. It was explained that this deformity shamed him. It is something that he'd prefer to keep hidden. Now his hand had become the center of attention and this was a very uncomfortable situation for the man to be in. We don't have a problem showing off all our good attributes, but when it comes to the parts of us that aren't so nice, we have a tendency to hide them. The man relented, and eventually stretched out his hand. The hand was completely restored. Jesus never touched the man, at least scripture doesn't record that He did, so they couldn't get him on anything.

In comparison, the hearts of those few men accusing Jesus, were withered and rebellious. They refused to stretch out their hearts and open them up for healing, and instead, they plotted out how to kill Jesus. Johnson became a Pharisee and loudly proclaimed that Jesus was wrong! She screamed at Jesus as I'm sure some of those of the Law in His day did. They knew better than Jesus did! They couldn't believe. Their faith was too little. It was almost frightening to listen to her, but then I heard something. As she screamed "Jesus can't do that!" God Himself spoke directly to me at that moment. Through those unbelieving cries of the Pharisees, I heard me! I heard me in those cries! Some of the insults she was hurling out sounded like some of the things I have said in my unbelief. In my small faith.

It hit me at that very moment that my heart has become withered.

It hit me at that very same moment that Jesus is distressed by the state of my heart.

Through this little drama God said to me, "stretch out your hand" receive healing, and I realized that all along I have been denying that anything is wrong. I am that man with the withered hand, afraid to let the bad parts of me show. I am ashamed and embarrassed to let them show. I am too prideful to let them show. It seems so much easier to just hide the deformity, I don't want to stand up in front of everyone. They might see!

Jesus sees. He sees and then says "stretch out your heart."

I'm trying to stretch it out, so that He might heal the withering parts of my heart.

I have realized through the convictions of this weekend, and through a great heart to heart talk with Katie on the way home, that I have lost sight of my First Love. She said to me "Sue, you have got to focus on your First Love. He is the only One that can help you. I can't help you. I can't. You have got to get your focus back."

My heart is withered because I hang on to worry. I hang onto a hope that I see for myself, and not a Hope that I know exists in God. I am walking around frightened of being abandoned and trying to do things of my own power to manipulate my life. Try as I might, God's Will is always accomplished, so any detours I make will not be very constructive. In fact, they will most likely lead to misery. I am constantly cynical about the way God is working in my life. I just don't see how it will work out. I have been so burdened with guilt, worry, and fear that it has almost paralyzed me. I feel so spiritually weak and vulnerable right now.

I cried many tears of brokenness this weekend, and tears that come from fear. The theme of this weekend was irrepressible Hope, and God knew it was exactly what I needed. I am on a whopping rollercoaster of a spiritual ride right now, but Katie keeps reminding me that I need to look to the other side because that is where the hope is. It will take some grieving, some mourning, some fear and difficult trials to get there, but then I will see the blessings that God has waiting for me once I arrive. I do have hope. A glimmer. There are dark moments where it all seems bleak, but I do have Hope and that is what I am struggling to cling to.

Father, help me to trust in You, in You alone. Forgive my lack of faith and my fear. I wish to stretch out my heart before you so that you might heal me. I pray God that you help me to accept Your healing, Your cleansing, and Your faithful Love. Father, I want to be free from the worries of this life. I want to revel in Your boundless Joy, and I know that "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Ps 30:5 Thank you Father for the gifts you have given me in Katie and the kids, and let me lift them up to You. They are Yours and for a time you entrusted them to my care. You equipped me for Your purpose in their lives, and now I need to put You first. Equip me God for this transition phase, as you move me to a new experience with You. I do not understand all of what You are doing in my life right now, but my Hope is in You. You are my Irrepressible Hope.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Women of Faith

I'm excited. The Women of Faith Conference is tomorrow. I'm going to be in Nashville by 9 AM, which means I need to leave very early in the morning. That part I'm not too excited about, but I do love the conference! I hope it is as good this year as it has been the last two!

I need this weekend and hopefully God will use it to help me turn toward him more. Katie and I had a heart to heart and she told me that I am not seeing Him like I should.

Leave it to an accountability partner!

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Mushy Love Stories

Somewhere in Time, boy, that's a great love story. What a wonderful movie with a romantic soundtrack. I love that movie!

A Walk To Remember, that's another one. Tear Jerker for sure, but wow.

Heck, there a lot of them out there. Sappy love stories that make you wish you were falling in love. So sappy that you can't believe that love like that is real or could ever exist for you.

I'm watching a real life movie. Written and Directed by God.

Someday I know Katie is going to come running to tell me that Adam said:

"Your hair is like a flock of goats

descending from Mount Gilead.

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,

coming up from the washing."

(from Song of Solomon)


No, really, I am watching a love story begin right before my very eyes. It is beautiful. It is so sappy it is making me wish it were happening to me. I am seeing that love like this is real, and I'm starting to believe that it could happen...even to me, maybe? someday? Who knows, the point is that when God leads, hearts intertwine and "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12

Mushy love story.


I am truly experiencing what it means to have freedom in boundaries. The first time Adam held my hand he did it in prayer (as I posted earlier). That was last Thursday. The second time was also in prayer (but we just didn't let go when we finished). That was Sunday night. The third time...he just held my hand to hold it. We prayed before we let go. That was Monday. As I held his hand, I got a bit nervous because I wondered..."Ok, we have made it this far, so, what's next?" We hadn't discussed any boundaries and God was laying it on my heart that now is the time.

I brought my concerns to Adam on Monday morning and last night, after praying about it, we discussed boundaries. I am amazed at how God was with us, guiding our conversation as we talked about things that would put us in a situation of temptation. It should have been much more difficult than it was but God helped us through it. Our boundaries are clear and concise...right from the heart of God. I can't believe how easy it was to discuss this with somebody who has never done anything more with me physically than holding my hand.

People always hear about the freedom that comes with I am experiencing that freedom. I don't have to be afraid about crossing some invisible, indistinct line because the lines are now very distinct and visible. Our boundaries are very conserved...straight from the heart of God. I now have the freedom of knowing that I can trust Adam to respect me when we are together. We have agreed to hold one another accountable. Sue is holding us accountable too. I am so thankful for that. I have the blessing of knowing that God has forgiven me of my past and given me a clean slate to begin again. I do feel pure. I do feel washed and clean and I want to keep it that way. This time I WILL save myself for my husband...just as God would have it. I am so thankful that my God is a God of second chances. He truly does look at our hearts and blesses our obedience. The reward is far more than I could ever have hoped for or imagined, just like He promised it would be. God has given me PLUNDER! And I don't intend to do anything to tarnish my gift! Now, I feel safe in walking with God to the next level in this relationship...and I will walk WITH Him...not ahead of Him, not behind Him...but, right beside Him. I would like to invite all who read this take part in our journey by bathing us in prayer each step of the way. Sue and I will keep you up to date.

I will close with an excerpt from an email Adam sent to me this morning:

"I am so speechless how God is weaving our hearts together even now. I will take his hand and allow him to lead us. He has taken upon him every blemish and stain from our past so that we can be pure to walk into tomorrow."



What Sue calls a sacrifice...I call a blessing. I feel like no other person in the world could possibly feel so loved and so blessed by so many as I feel I am today. I once read that God loves and wants to blow our minds with way that He blesses us. I believe it!!!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

My Best Friend's Sacrifice Tonight

Tonight, Katie spent time with me! YAY!

She has been spending a lot of time with her beau, but tonight she wanted to spend time with me.

We watched a couple of Veggietales, then went on a Sonic run for some tator tots. No big deal or anything, just some time spent between friends.

It was fun. We talked a lot about Adam! :-)

He's a very special man and wanted to take Katie out tonight. Katie told him she was going to spend time with me and he said "that's good. You should spend some time with Sue."

I like that.

Katie sacrificed for me tonight. She'll be upset that I said that, but I know that right now, it is Adam that is foremost in her thoughts. And, that's okay. He should be. God put him in her life for a reason, I'm just glad I am not being pushed out completely.

My Shirt

Why is it I am still wearing shirts I purchased five or so years ago, but the one I purchased last year is ripped at the seams along the side?

They just don't make things like they used to.

Then again, I remember saying that same thing five years ago.

Larry Bowl


I love my Larry Bowl!

It was sitting here beside the monitor because Katie knew I'd see it here! YAY!

It's so beautiful!

You can get an idea of what it looks like by clicking here. It's the green bowl tipped on it's side at the left.

I named it a Larry Bowl because I'm in love with Larry!

Hmmmmm, this is pretty sad. Katie has Adam and I confess my love to a Veggie! LOL

New Blogger

I don't like the new Blogger interface. There are really no new benefits except possibly the profile page, and commenting features which are really no use to someone who already has commenting set up and has an "about me" page.

I really dislike the posting page. I used to be able to see my older posts in the lower half of the screen, while I create a new post on the upper half. Now, all I can do is create a new post on a blank page, and to go back and edit other posts is annoying because you have to open up a new page to edit each entry. One used to be able to scroll through a bunch of posts, now it's one by one. I do not like this one bit and I wish they would change it back.

Oh, I did just notice the blockquote capability. That is a good benefit. I just hate the interface now!

Rebel Pride and Redneck Woman

Ever since I moved to TN I've been wondering what "rebel pride" is? I figure it has something to do with the Civil War because the flag of the "rebel" is a confederate flag. Ummmmm, the war ended a about 140 years ago! Does "rebel pride" still have a place today?

I see that rebel flag draped on the back of pick-ups. I see it printed on t-shirts of men and women wearing cowboy hats, with a toothpick grin (special emphasis on tooth in toothpick), and many men with a lump of snuff in their cheek, and round can prints on the back pocket of their jeans. I see that flag tatooed on men and women. It is hanging on the doors of some southerners.

Today I figured out what rebel pride is. It is pride in ignorance. I notice that "rednecks" are self-proclaimed "rebels" around these parts.

How did I discover this? Today is a Tuesday, and on Tuesdays the new CDs are released.

Redneck Woman was released today.

That thing sold like crazy! I don't get it. It glorifies ignorance! On Gretchen Wilson's website she states "I wanted to give a little high-five to the women from small town America. The women I grew up around are strong and proud of who they are. This is for them."

I don't understand...proud of:

I'd rather drink beer all night

In a tavern or in a honky tonk

or on a four-wheel drive tailgate

drinking beer?

'Cause I'm a redneck woman

I ain't no high class broad

having no class?

Why is this something to be proud of? I can understand being proud of "being strong", but not about the other stuff the song glorifies. Why do people want this song? Do they relate to it? I just don't get it! Is this a joke?

Monday, May 10, 2004

Broken Things

I hate broken things.

The kitchen cabinets do not like to stay closed.

The space-saver in Katie's clothes closet fell apart.

There is a hole in the door to the back hallway where Tiffany did a cartwheel and put the heel of her foot through it.

The doorbell won't work, a short in the wire or something.

Katie's dresser drawers have no tracks to rest on and therefore they will only fall out and do not shut properly.

The light in the attic stopped working. It's not the light bulb. We've replaced it twice with no results.

There is water damage in the bathroom from a leak prior to us moving in and now the linoleum is cracking where the floor has rotted a bit.

We've had our share of plumbing issues, ONE REALLY MAJOR ONE, and I hate plumbing issues. Thankfully, right now there are no problems with the plumbing.

While changing a lightbulb in Tif's room, I accidently broke the globe.

I hate the pink walls in this room. That's not broken, I just hate the color. It's gotta change soon. I have to get motivated to paint it.

The chairs at the kitchen table are weakening and keep coming apart. I have put them back together a few times, but there are looking seriously sad.

Katie's car door lock is broken because a kid one day decided to pick the lock with a stick.

Now, the Air Conditioning is out AGAIN. I have had people out 3 times in a year. The last guy was here two days ago and said the unit looked fine, filled it with freon, yet, I'm sitting here in a sweat. I called another company a month or so ago and wanted them to come out to do an assessment of the situation...should I repair or replace? Could they call me back to set up the appointment? NO! I'm planning on purchasing a unit, and they obviously don't want my business. Why is it I have such difficulty finding someone I can trust to repair this thing?

I hate broken things.

Sunday, May 09, 2004


Have you ever wondered how Katie and I became Friends?

I just reread that "interview" and I chuckled at the memories it provoked.

Feeling nostalgic I guess. I can't believe I've been here almost four and a half years! It's my first mission trip!

I remember thinking I knew exactly why God brought me here. I really believed that the joy I was feeling after finding the saving Grace of Christ was going to rub off on everyone I met. I was a witnessing fool! I planned on that being the key to Katie's marriage, that her husband would come to know Christ, and that God was going to use me to help Him do it. Katie believed it too. It seemed to make sense. Why else would he bring me to TN from IA?

I quickly learned that my reasoning was not God's plan. It got rough there for awhile, but in the end, God freed Katie from years of abuse. He has been working to prosper her since.

I'm starting to wonder about my purpose here now. I wonder, now that God is working miracles again for Katie, if my time is over here. That He has used me for His Divine Purpose and that He will move me on to other things now. I don't know. It's all so scary, but I want to be able to be used by Him.

I'm praying for direction, and I'm praying for God to fill the emptiness that is creeping into my heart. I can't stop it from coming, and in fact, I'm almost anticipating it because I know that once the initial wave hits, that God will lift me even higher than before. I'm trying to embrace it. I'm trying to embrace Christ. I'm trying to allow His Grace to fill my cup.

Right now I am really trying to step back a bit, and allow God to work in Katie's life, and at times it is very difficult for me. It is hard to make yourself less, because it's only human to want to be more. We always want to be more than we are, but we can't be. I can do nothing.

I trust God and know that I can do nothing. When I do nothing but trust Him is when I am strongest.

Father, I ask forgiveness because I am so prideful. I think of myself as so much more than I am. In comparison to You, I am nothing. I fall so short of Your Glory. Father help me to find humility. Help me to take a step back, because from this distance I see but a small part of the big picture. You can see the entire canvas. Help me to trust You, the Artist, and Creator, in all things, including my life.


I'm so glad I work at the mall. Where I can feel safe. NOT! The Jackson Sun News - Police seek two men in abduction

**UPDATE** Here's more info on the abduction.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

I've Said It Before...

I'll say it again...God gave me the most awesome parents! Thank you mom and dad for your love and concern. I am only who you raised me to be.

Today at Work...

A woman on her cellphone approached the counter with the CD she is going to buy. She places the CD at register #2, so my associate says to her I will help you down here as she is moving to her assigned register, register #1. The woman apparantly did not hear my associate direct her to a different register because she showed no response. My associate spoke a bit louder and said "I'll help you down here" and the woman very pointedly, seemingly irritated, said while holding her index finger in the air, "Okaaaay, just ONE MINUTE!" So my associate couldn't help but have a reaction to the way she was just rudely treated by the customer and said in a surprised and annoyed tone, "okaaaay". The woman was disgusted by my associates reaction and left the CD there on the counter telling us she can buy it elsewhere.

The woman proceded to go outside the front entrance of the mall and rant to my AM who was standing out there on a smoke break. My poor AM had NO CLUE what was going on and started to laugh at the woman as she went on and on about filing a complaint, blah blah blah, and all this stuff. I'm thinking that my AM laughing at her didn't help the situation.

I really am beginning to despise cellphones. The woman was too busy talking on the phone to even be at the checkout. I think that cellphone use is out of control. There are so many times where people aren't even paying attention to the cash they are handing me, or the change I hand them back because they are preoccupied with their telephone conversation. The gall of the woman to be upset with us....Soooooorrrrrry for interrupting your precious conversation!

I want a sign in my store that says "On a cellphone? No service!"

I Must Become Less

John 3

27To this John replied, "A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. 28You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ[1] but am sent ahead of him.' 29The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. 30He must become greater; I must become less.

I am clinging to the humility in these verses these days. That John realized that his time was over and it was time to step back and let the ministry of Jesus take center stage.

This man in Katie's life is showing himself to be a very Godly man. He is treating Katie with much respect and is very careful about their relationship. It is so obvious that God is working between them and bringing two souls together. I am blessed to watch this happening before my very eyes. It is soooooo exciting!

But the COB begins. I knew this day would eventually arrive. Katie was created to be a wife and a mother and I have always known that someday God would give her that opportunity to do just that. It won't happen tomorrow, or next week, or in a month, but eventually it will happen that Katie will develop a lasting relationship with a future spouse. It may be Adam, it may not be. They are really praying about the direction their relationship is going, and they both are following God on that. But I know, that eventually, my framily will be gone. Then comes the major life adjustment.

I'm so afraid.

I rejoice in Katie's love affair with God right now. But, my heart is aching because I see the impending end of life as I know it. It was an adjustment to share a house with her and her two kids. That was one major life adjustment! But I have adjusted. I have maybe even taken it for granted, but now just the thought of this big house being empty terrifies me. I know that even if things do work between Katie and Adam, that at least a year will pass before they start packing, but I dread that moment. I feel so foolish.

I have so many emotions going on inside of me right now. On one hand I am rejoicing with Katie and Adam. On another hand I am somewhat envious and need to repent for coveting. On yet another hand I am terrified of losing my framily. On another hand I know that I am not losing a framily, that they may simply not live with me anymore. On another hand I feel somewhat slighted because I have sacrificed so much of myself over these few years and I wonder why all I am going to get out of it is heartbreak. I know that Katie is always going to be my friend, I'm not afraid to lose that. It's just the unknown I fear I guess. I really do feel so foolish, probably because I just discovered today that I have at least five "hands". LOL I digress.

Some of what I fear I know is unfounded. I also know that God will carry me through anything that may come my way. He is my strength, but only when I let Him be and right now I am struggling against myself. I feel life getting out of control and I know that if I just let go of the wheel I'll be fine, but I can't. It is so difficult to relinquish control. But, I also know, that by letting go I will allow God to carry me. I want that. I want to feel His Loving Presence and I want to know Him more. That is why I am trying to embrace this COB, my Crisis of Belief. I know that in the end, my love relationship with the Lover of my Soul will rise to new levels. I know that my friendship with Katie will be even deeper. I know that I may learn to appreciate her kids even more than I do now and that in the end, my framily may even grow to include Adam and his kids possibly. Who all knows what God has in store for my life? He is to be trusted. He is faithful. He has never once let me down before. I must become less.

Oh Father, I am so frightened. Forgive my lack of faith. Please hold me. My heart is crying out to You. Please comfort me. Make Yourself known to me in ways I haven't experienced before. You are so Faithful, You are my Comforter. Bless Katie and Adam and guide them in Your Will. Help me to become less so that You can work Your Will through me. I want to embrace You Father, I want to shine Your Light in this world. I know that you Love me and will never let me go. Help me in my unbelief. Amen.

Friday, May 07, 2004


Last night Adam held my hand for the first pray.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

I Met Adam!

I was introduced to Adam tonight. A very quick introduction through his truck window. The thing I noticed first was his HUGE smile and his countenance of such happiness, and it was contagious! I could only smile back! He was just that pleased to be here picking up Katie to go on date four in five days.

Katie of course floated out to the truck and was glowing. You know, this is almost sickening! :-) LOL

Watching these two people, put together by a Loving Father, discover each other and spend so much time talking, in order to learn as much as they can about the other, is really fun. I really can't wait for Katie to get home to tell me what all she learned about Adam tonight. He seems like such a perfect match for her. He really seems to have his head on straight and both of them are being smart about their relationship. They are going into in very prayerfully and God will bless that.

I am just thankful that I am sitting in a cool house. Thank you Mr. Air Conditioner Man!

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

What's Katie Listening To?

Joseph Fell asked, in his comment to the previous post, what music is Katie listening to?

As Katie's closest friend, I am privy to such information! I can answer this question, because a couple of times she came down off of cloud nine last night to share about the time she has been spending with Adam. She tells me that she is falling deeper and deeper in love with God through this man He has put into her life. I think God is revealing Himself to her in ways He never has before and it is so fun to watch!

Katie is praising God through all of this! She and Adam sat in his truck at the restaurant last night, after it closed, and talked. They were sharing about themselves, and their love for God. Discovering what music Katie likes, Adam played one of her favorites for her...You are Holy (Prince of Peace).

God is up to something big! Woooohooooooo! I can't believe how much fun I am having in all this! Thank you God for always giving us new and exciting experiences in life while following You!

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Where's Katie?

Katie sure is spending a LOT of time with her new beau!

Katie sure is smiling a LOT!

I keep making sure she is wearing her lead-weighted boots so she doesn't accidently float away!

Annual Evaluation

My DM gave me my annual evaluation today. I am pleased with it and have identified areas I can improve in. Out of ten categories I exceeded expectations in six of them. My overall evaluation met expectations. When it came to the increase in pay part, I frowned and was obviously disappointed and my DM said "hey, nobody will get rich off of raises." He's got a point there!

I have a competent management staff in place now so I am looking forward to developing a sales machine within my store. Last year I had some staffing issues that left me doing most of the operational stuff in the store by myself. I had a good friend, who was a very successful business woman/manager, tell me that a good manager surrounds himself with good people. It's true. I think I have finally managed to do just that, so opportunities to succeed have really started opening up. I have a goal to become the number 1 store in the District!

Then I'll set my sights even higher!

Monday, May 03, 2004

Further Update

I think that Sue summed things up pretty good. But, let me tell you what it was like as I was driving to Starbucks to meet Adam. The closer I got, the more nervous I got. I wanted to turn around and go home. I felt sick. I pulled up in the parking lot, shut off the car and grabbed the steering wheel as I tried to calm myself. I held on as if my life depended on it. I tried taking a few relaxing breaths. Finally, hoping that I would not be sick, I decided, "I'm just going to do this and get it behind me." So I quickly let go of the steering wheel and got out before I changed my mind again. As I walked through the door, I saw a nice looking gentleman sitting alone and looking around as if he were expecting somebody. I said "Adam?" I believe he responded with, "You must be Katrina." So, he got up. He was very tall... a definate plus! I like tall. We walked over to order coffee. He doesn't usually drink these type of things so he asked me what was good. I told him that I liked the caramel macchiato. He said, "I think I'll just have a coffee." LOL. Even though I prefer the macchiato, my stomach was in knots and I seem to do better with tea so I ordered a chai tea latte. There was a period of awkward silence as we stood there but after we sat down, we began conversing pretty steadily. So we talked for a while inside then we went outside to talk.

Adam stepped away for a minute so I took advantage of the opportunity to check my cell phone messages. Sue was panicking because my SaLT group was planning a surprise party for me for my graduation. I never miss meeting with them and the one time I do, they are having a party........FOR ME! I guess I turned the tables on the surprise when I didn't show up. So (like Sue implied earlier) it was still a surprise party. LOL. I LOVE MY CHURCH!! I called over there and told them that Adam and I had spent a couple hours together and I would leave and be there in a few minutes and the response I got was amazing. When they all found out that I was finally on a date after almost 4 years, they were so happy that they said they liked that idea better and we'd postpone the party until next week. My daughter told me that my date was the topic of conversation for most of the night! That is too funny.

Anyhow, Adam returned and we continued in our conversation. We talked about our experiences in life and what we have learned from our mistakes. We talked about what we expect from a relationship and all the important issues that needed to be discussed. Even though I was so nervous, at the same time, I was amazed at how easy it was to talk to him...especially about the difficult issues we discussed. Eventually it was past dinner time and he was hungry. I was beginning to feel like I needed something solid in my stomach...even if it was probably only a temporary thing. So, we went over to IHOP in his truck. The service was terrible, and the food was not very good. I ended up taking about 2 bites of chicken and a couple bites of corn and potatoes. We both determined that we would not go there again. LOL. But, we did sit there for a long time...and talked until we felt like we were going to fall asleep. My contacts were drying out and I couldn't even see straight! It was time to call it a night.

Through all of the talking we did, I determined that we were both as transparent as we could be on a first date. We talked about strengths, weaknesses, mistakes and lessons learned. The communication was awesome! Like Sue said, he was a gentleman who treated me with respect. He wanted to do nothing more but educate me about him and learn about me...the same thing I wanted to do on the first date. No strings. No expectations. Just alot of talking... to see if we shared the same values and had some compatiblilty.

When we were leaving I wondered if he was as impressed as I was. I hoped that I didn't say something that made him think "Noooo wayyy!" I wondered if he would ask me on a second date. As I was getting into my car he rolled down his window, called my name and said, "You don't have to be so nervous the NEXT TIME." So that gave me a little hope that there would be a next time.

I got a phone call this morning. It was Adam. Apparantly, he told his friend who initiated all of this, that the most appealing thing to him about me is my love for God. If you haven't read previous posts, check out Sue's last post about what I told her about him.

It truly was the best first date I ever had with anybody in my life.

Wow, Katie's Update Was Rather Uninformative!

I won't go into great detail, because Katie plans to later, but here's the rundown on the first date...

He treated her with respect! This is not something Katie has experienced before from a man, so that was very exciting. He opened doors for her and was kind. She's amazed because his attention was focused on her and learning about her, and telling her about himself. She said to me, just now, that the most appealing thing about Adam is his love for God. That is very attractive to her.

They talked at Starbucks for a couple of hours over coffee and got a lot of important conversation out of the way immediately. From the conversation Katie has determined that she and he are on the same page when it comes to issues like dating, the kids, past failures, putting God first in any relationship, and staying pure. They both seemed to be honest and forthright about these important things because they both feel that if they aren't on the same wavelength with these issues, than there is no point in pursuing any type of relationship.

They listen to similar music and Katie discovered that Adam was at the Third Day concert last month! He also plans on going to FFH next weekend! He also told Katie that he has read one of Dave's books on marriage, so that was neat, because Dave is one of those men in our church who will be watching out for Katie. He has counseled with her much over the years and been such a Godsend. Northbrook will take care of Katie!

There will be more from her later, I just thought that I'd post a quick overview!


I just want to say that I have never felt so loved by so many. I can't believe my SaLT group was giving me a surprise party. My whole church, my sister, my kids, and even fellow bloggers have rallied around me through all of this like I can't believe. I had a wonderful date. I have never been treated with so much respect on a first date before. Since he told me that I don't need to be so nervous the next time....I am assuming that there will eventually be a second date. But, even though the date went so well, I am more touched by the support I have had. One pastor, George, and my dear friend, Dave, are playing the role of protective parent. I know people are watching out for me and are having fun with all of this. It's all so crazy. I just wish my stomach would settle down so I can eat.

I think what has touched my heart more than the respect I recieved last night was the love and support and involvement my church family and my framily showed me. There are no words that can express how blessed I am. I can't take it in. I have never EVER felt so loved in my life.

Sue touched my heart so much last night because she reminded me about how Jesus said that anybody who loves him and follows him is my mother, brother, sister, etc...

I am experiencing this right now. My family in Christ is a real family...and they LOVE. I am moved to tears. The support and pride they have shown in my spiritual growth, my walk with God, my GRADUATION and this new person in my life means more to me than anything I could ever put into words. I don't know where God is taking all of this but I do know that I am deeply in love right now....with Lord...and my family in Christ.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

It's 10:09!

She's home...gotta go!

It's 9:30pm

She called! Said she's on a potty break and was checking on us to make sure things were ok ehre at the house.

He's nice!

Now It's 9:23!

La di da di dah!

Well, it's not a school night.

She doesn't have to work tomorrow.


It's 8:44 PM

Well, the date started at 5:00pm and since it is going on FOUR hours, I'm assuming things are going well and that the conversation is good. If you knew Katie, you'd understand that she can converse about ANYTHING. She is an extrovert on every level and never runs out of things to say. Her biggest fear tonight was, well, besides that Adam would have an eyeball in the middle of his forehead, was that she'd stick her foot in her mouth. She does that frequently.

For example, at church this morning a good friend, Tonya, came over to order some Avon. She had someone with her who looked a lot like her and Katie said "Oh, is this your mom?" and Tonya said "No, this is my sister!" LOLOLOL So, Katie then apologized about that and it was laughed off, thank goodness! But, that's the kind of thing she's afraid of saying! Turns out the sister was ten years older and was apparantly responsible for raising Tonya, so it all worked out. She says that they get that a lot. Katie makes me laugh!


I just dropped Katie's kid off to babysit while the SaLT group meets. Katie is out meeting Adam at Starbucks. I found out that the SaLT group planned a surprise party for Katie to celebrate her graduation.

I don't know what to do! I called Katie's cell phone, but she's not answering, or it's turned off, which is what it should be while she's out tonight. Hmmmmmmmmmmm...............I don't know what to do!

Should I stop by Starbucks? Would that be rude? She'd love to know the SaLT group was planning to celebrate her graduation. Would it cut their date short? I would be interrupting...oh.....I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Don't you love it when the "guest of honor" doesn't show to their own surprise party! Surprise! LOLOL

Katie's First Date!

Well, she just left. Tonight she is meeting Adam, who, at least through phone conversations, appears to be very Godly. He said he wouldn't date a woman who didn't put Jesus Christ first. I think that is a good sign!

Woohoooo! This is exciting!


Saturday, May 01, 2004

Where's My Mom?

Katie graduated today. Her kids and I attended and so did a friend from church. I told the kids "this is how it's going to be. There will be music as the class comes in, then there will be a prayer or something, and some looooooooooooong boooooooooooooring speeches. At that time they will call the name of every person graduating and that will be looooooooooong too. It's going to be boring. Really, really boring, but this is your mom's day. She has earned it! We are going to tell her how proud we are! We are going to tell her congratulations! and we will tell her we love her! We are going to smile a lot and let her know that it is her day to shine!" The kids handled it very well. It helped that Justin and I played tic tac toe and doodled through much of the ceremony. Tiffany had a friend along too, so that helped a lot. :-)

She's received some e-cards from friends near and far. She's had many "congratulations" come her way. It is her day to shine and she's been smiling for two days straight because she was able to graduate with honors. It has not been simple either. She has worked hard. Very hard. She has done a great job of balancing raising kids, her Avon business which recently got off the ground, church activities and school. I watched her struggle many nights with trying to stay awake while studying. She seemed to always have her nose in a textbook and wanted to do the best she could. Many nights she was frustrated by all she had to cram in her brain in such a short amount of time. She kept praying. She kept forging ahead and today her persistence paid off!

She proudly walked across that stage and accepted her diploma!

I only wish her mother had chosen to be more encouraging by attending the ceremony or at least by sending a card, or making a phone call. That is the only disappointing thing about the day.

Congratulations are loved!

Jeremiah 29

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

It's so neat to watch God at work!