Wednesday, October 30, 2002


I think the time is near. God is healing me. I have finally gotten to the point where it is more of a drag to hang onto unforgiveness and bitterness than to just let it go and let God deal. I have held onto resentment and anger too long. I was hurt by a church. I watched that church reject one of its own and not deal with a situation I thought should have been dealt with better. My pride, my sin, allowed me to feel justified in being angry and critical of that particular group of Christ followers.

satan used my pride to wear me down, actually I allowed satan to throw his darts at me and peck away at me through that sin. Make me bitter and become a less effective witness for the Kingdom. My gift of prophecy is awesome, but sometimes having the Truth revealed to me so easily makes it hard for me to understand that other's are not as keen of the Truth or how to apply it to life. This frustrates me and sometimes enrages me. But, as a grow and mature in my faith, I am learning better to deal with the "side-effects" of my spiritual gifts.

I was saved in April 1999 and by the end of that year it was clear that God was moving me from my home in Iowa, to the Bible Belt, here in TN. I thought He was moving me here to be an awesome witness because I was so onfire for Christ! My plan was to move here and see my friends husband get saved and therefore their troubled marriage healed. I had it all planned out. Unfortunately, God's thoughts aren't my thoughts, and His ways are not mine. Scratch that...I should say fortunately His thoughts aren't mine! Whew! We'd all be in BIG trouble if that were the case!

When I moved down, everything started to fall into place. I got a job immediately, I had a roof over my head and eventually my own place. My friend and I took time each week to go to the Tennessee River for Bible study and worship time and boy! Do I miss those times!

It took only a few months for satan to start working on me. His darts came through different people and some were "Christian" people. That's the part that hurt the worst! I grew very bitter and angry for various reasons and held much resentment toward certian people and groups of people. It grew and grew and got out of control and only hurt me and my relationship with God. I didn't like the person I was becoming!

Well, this type of thinking has gone on inside me for almost 3 years. It has made me so irritable! It has taken away my joy. My first Love! I was blaming Christians for my misery...because they weren't living up to the standard of "Christian"! Katie asks me why I think I set the standard. She knows how to turn my finger around and point it right back at me! Praise God for her! It has been difficult adjusting to the Bible Belt culture. There are so many "playing" Christian. I don't want to play Christian. I want to be conformed into the likeness of Jesus Christ. While I'm criticizing the "Christianity" of others, I am doing exactly what I accuse them of doing. My awesome sister in Christ tells me that I'm trying to do God's work for Him. She's right, I have tried to. I also failed badly and in the end have made only myself miserable and my framily too. I think I have learned that God will deal with the Christian who is diligently seeking to do HisWill. God will deal with that Christian, as He has myself, when they stray from the path.

God has helped me realize, truly know, that my bitterness and anger has hurt no one but me. I decided that I needed to confess. I guess on tv the cool thing to do would be to go to the church, stand up at the invitation and announce my sin and ask forgiveness. Instead, I sent an email. I explained that I want and need their forgiveness. I explained why I harbored bitterness/resentment and that I am guilty of the same thing I accuse them of. I am prideful. I have bitterness. It is subsiding.

I am awaiting a response to my email. It has been 2 days now. It really doesn't matter if I get a response or not because God is healing me. He alone is in control. I forgive. He forgives me. My yoke is heavy and I give it to Him.


Sunday, October 27, 2002

Life Everlasting

Did you ever think about not dying? About living forever, here, on planet earth? I have thought about dying, but never really about the consequences of not dying.

I used to stay awake at night tossing and turning because I was afraid to die. Especially in 8th grade, the Cold War was still on and the Russians were feared. I was afraid of Nuclear Holocaust at the hands of the Russians and it really kept me awake at night. I remember the movie "The Day After" which I did NOT watch because I thought it would multiply my fears.

Up until a few years ago I would lie awake at night pondering death because of the simple fact I am getting older. It frightened me to think about the fact that I was possibly about half way through my life and my youth was behind me. All I had to look forward to was getting older, and dying. It was scary.

Today I went to see the movie Tuck Everlasting. It really made me ponder what it might be like to live forever. To be immortal means I wouldn't die. I couldn't die. I could get shot in the head and not die. I could leap from the top of the Sears Tower and break my neck, be splattered on the sidewalk, and in a few moments simply get up and walk away. The car wreck I had would be an inconvenience, but again, I would walk away from it with no effect on my health or life. I couldn't die.

In Tuck Everlasting the female lead character, Winnie, sits at the "fountain of youth" and considers taking a drink. With her hand cupping the water and stirring it about she thinks about the boy she is in love with who will never die. He tells her that he wants her to drink from the fountain so that when he comes back to her they can live together forever. (Jesse, her love interest needs to go away to hide so people won't discover the spring that offers immortality. He tells her he will come back to her when it is safe.) Winnie also thinks about the words of wisdom from Tuck, the father, who is also immortal and will live forever. "What we Tucks have you can’t call livin’. We just are, like rocks stuck at the side of a stream. You can’t have livin’ without dyin’. Don’t be afraid of death, Winnie. Be afraid of the unlived life." The movie brings about some interesting points about life and how it is meant to be a cycle and people are supposed to go through its intended stages. While the girl contemplated drinking from the spring, Tiffany, my friend's 10 year old daughter said to the screen "don't drink it!". I asked her after the film..."Tif, what? Did you want Winnie to die?" and I'll tell you her response a little later.

One of the characters tells about how his family, wife and kids, grew up and all died off. He spoke of being at Gettysburg and watching brave men die and that he couldn't. He couldn't die. Life began around them, ended around them, but the Tuck family couldn't die. The cycle of life continued on, basically without them. They adapted their lives to the changing times, but they didn't change with them. As Tuck put it, they just "are, like rocks stuck at the side of a stream". For the Tucks, time moved forward...but to where?

I can think right now about how much has changed in the 36 years I've been alive. I remember the first time we could tape a tv show and watch it later. The VCR, what a neat idea! It was so exciting to know I'd never miss Little House on the Prairie! Popcorn used to be popped in oil on the stove, now it's in microwave bags. There was that short time that hot-air popcorn poppers were all the rage! Got my first CD player in 1985, before that it was vinyl records. I sure miss the big whompin' album covers, it was an art! Debit cards. Heck, writing checks is all but obsolete! How about the Internet? E-mail? Instant Messaging? Those terms never entered the mind of any people I see pictured in my high school yearbook. Personal Computers are in almost any home nowadays, and in my home growing up the technological advances were limited to the Dataman (remember that?) and the big one was the Atari 2600 Game Console! Woo! Nothing like Target Shoot! Imagine living generation to generation and never changing with the times. The movie really made me ponder the consequences of not dying, of not changing with the times, of watching generation after generation come and go and not going with them.

Not dying? What is there to look forward to? I live now with a hope that when I die, I will live eternally with my Father. My Savior will look into my eyes with more Love than my earthly body, mind and soul can even comprehend. While I used to be afraid to die, I can now embrace it because of the Hope I have in Jesus Christ. God created us to live forever, our sin messed that up, but He offered us a new way to accept eternal life with Him. If I couldn't die, what would there be to look forward to? Time would move forward...but to where?

Tiffany's response to the question, did she "want to see Winnie die?" was "how did she know he would come back for her?" Interesting. I had not expected that answer, nor did I even ponder it. It's a good question. I won't give away the ending, but I will say that I know that He will come for me because I did drink from the Living Water. I have eternal life. It is that life I can look forward to. I can't imagine living this life without that Hope.

My body will die. My spirit, my soul will live forever. I thank the Lord that He has not bound me to this body forever!

Would Jesus Play the Lottery?

All church going people know, or should know, the answer to that. No! Jesus would NOT play the lottery. Did you ever stop to question why?

I knew that He wouldn't play the lottery and my answer as to why used to be because "it's gambling". Gambling is not a Godly thing. But there's more and I learned a whole bunch from Chuck, one of my pastors, at Northbrook Church today. Can you believe that my heart was pricked during a teaching on the Lottery today?

Tennessee right now is set to vote Nov. 5 whether or not to have a State Lottery. Churches here are rallying against it, and today I learned why it is a bad thing.

Jesus would NOT play the lottery because:

I. IT IS MOTIVATED BY GREED - Greed and God can not exist in the same heart. (Luke 12:13-21)

People who support the lottery claim it is used for education. While a small portion of it may be used that way, is that really the reason people play it? Does Joe buy a ticket thinking "I'm going to contribute to the education of Tennessee's youth"? I doubt it, I think Joe wants to win the jackpot.

II. EXPLOITS THE POOR - Jesus loves the poor. The lottery hurts them. (Luke 18:18-23)

I learned today that in statistical studies on the lottery, it shows that those people with incomes below $10,000 a year participate in the lottery more than any other group. Middle income families a little less and high income brackets rarely at all.

Studies also show that at the end/beginning of the month, once welfare checks are recieved, that there is a spike in lottery sales in poor neighborhoods. The lottery is looked upon by the government as a way to get back the money from the welfare system.

There are more lottery outlets in poor neighborhoods than in affluent ones, because that is where the players are.

- Everything on earth belongs to God. (Matthew 25:14-30)

The lottery is like playing the midway games at the fair. You know you will lose, therefore, why spend money on playing? Statistically there is a greater chance of being struck by lightning TWICE, than winning the "big one".

Chuck also had a guest with us today who wrote an article in the local paper about statistics on the lottery. Who plays, what income brackets, chances of winning and the consequences of winning (if it ever happened: divorces,bankruptcies)

He also shared that Jesus had more to say about money in the Sermon on the Mount than He did about faith. You can't serve two masters: God and money.
When the teaching began he read to us excerpts from a recent letter to the editor of the local paper. The reader stated "if I want to drink a beer and scratch a lottery ticket it's my right!. He also condemned pastors because the only reason they are against the lottery is because they are afraid people will spend money buying tickets and not on the "precious tithe". I feel bad for the writer of that letter. He/she is lost and just does not get it.

Chuck said that it is his right, but basically that it was not God's will. The church is against the lottery because it is against the character of God. As a church we should oppose it and it is our responsibility to keep secularism from creeping in and desensitizing us to evil. Chuck said it a lot better than I have...I think I will get the CD! Want one? E-mail me!

At the end of the teaching Chuck encouraged all Christians to think critically and "Christianly" about gambling and the state lottery. It is a good challenge.

How a person lives his life shows his walk with the Lord.

Friday, October 25, 2002

Do You Think God Can't Use You?

Do you think God can't use you?

He used David, an adulterer

He used Paul, a persecutor of early Christians.

He used Lazarus, and he was dead!

He used Katie to bless my life and then tripled it with her two kids loving me!

I work in a CD store and sell plastic. He still finds ways to use me.


Mighty Flyswatter

Author: Katie

Who says I can't do it! There's a nasty little fly (lucifer is his name) that buzzes around my head annoying me as he whizpers into my ear. He tells me things like "You're not gonna make it. Who do you think you are? God can't use you. You'll never succeed etc...." He tells me I'm a bad mother and a failure in everything. But, my God always triumphs! Do you know why? Because He has already won the battle! When Christ died for my redemption, I became a victor in the war against evil! I can do or be anything that God has created to be! I am His! A child of THE KING. I am a princess! I am the bride of Christ! I choose to wear a garment of praise! He made beauty from the ashes of my life! To live is Christ! He is my mighty flyswatter and when I praise Him, it squashes the enemy! SPLAT! Ha!

Jeremiah 29:11

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Hello World!

Author: Katie

Hello World!

It's been a long time! I don't have as much free time on my hands to blog as Sue does so, I don't get to say much. But, WHEN I SPEAK.........................nobody listens........ HA! So, I thought I'd share some things with nobody or at least I hope nobody because if my weblogging reaches nobody then it's quite possible that Sue's does too. That way, nobody will ever know about what I said about it being easier to live in abuse than the situation I'm in with school and momhood. It wasn't. I was just stressed when I said that. In fact, it was so bad that I have decided to commit myself to educating other women on abuse and hopefully, someday, I will be able to lead them to a place of refuge and rehabilitation. See! God takes everything bad and makes it good! Even another 12 year old who isn't much differen't than most. So, he doesn't like mowing the lawn. What kid likes doing any chores! It's always harder to get them to do it than just doing it yourself! Do we agree??? Anyhow, I just think that the lawn can be a shared family responsibility. I know when it's hot, it takes alot to mow the whole yard in one shot. For Pete's sake........(Who's Pete? And how did he get in on all of this? I guess that's just something they say. Who's they?...nevermind. I'm digressing.) I can't even get the whole thing done in a day without feeling half dead! Anyhow, it doesn't matter what anybody thinks because nobody is reading this! Oh, and Justin does eat other foods besides pizza. He just eats pizza alot. It's amazing how a mom can make a pizza healthy! Try wheat pita bread and turkey pepperoni! And although he's not very big, I'm sure he'll be changing alot over the next couple years. He's not malnutritioned or anything like that. His doctor says he's right where he ought to be for a boy his age. He's very handsome and loves his Savior. He has a big heart and it's very tender and I think it would break if he knew that anyone, everyone, or (and hopefully) nobody in cyberspace believed him to be irresponsible, small, or unhealthy. So, in his defense, (because I'm the Mom and it's my job) he is no different than any normal 12 year old boy. He needs to be pushed to do things, but he will outgrow it. I know this because I pray. I pray that God will make him into a wonderful Christian young man who is responsible with a heart after Christ and I know God will honor that prayer. He'll only be a kid for a little while. A very short time in his life. A boy does need to have responsibility but, all work and no play is torture on a kid. Anyhow, I'm sure you've been bored long enough so if you've hung in this long.......thanks. But if nobody read this, then nobody is bored and that's great! A word of wisdom to offer anybody, everybody, and/or nobody.......The safest place you can be is right in the center of God's will.....I try to stay there, but it's not easy (which doesn't make sense but oh well!) I praise God for the trials that press on me. I am the clay. I am being molded into His image.

Blessings from the Potter's Hands!

Sunday, October 20, 2002

There is No Freedom

There is no freedom without discipline.

Think about it.

I love God.

Monday, October 07, 2002

I Now Know Why Many In Tennessee are Toothless

I go for my root canal tomorrow. I am blessed...I have insurance. It will still cost me $250 tomorrow, which by the Grace of God, I will be able to pay by postponing some other bills. That's $250 with insurance! What does a person without insurance do? Let their teeth rot out. That explains why I see so many living here in western TN without teeth. I find it repulsive. Many have black teeth, and many no teeth at all. It is digusting and I don't understand why people don't take care of themselves better, but I brush my teeth daily. I am not good about flossing and all that extra tooth care, but mine are in pretty good shape and I ended up with a problem that will require a procedure that costs in upwards of $1200...that doesn't include the crown which will come later. I now look at those without teeth a bit differently. They aren't as blessed as I.
What is wrong with our world? This is not what God created us for. He gave us free will and we chose wrong! We chose sin. We could have had it all! We could have kept our teeth! Now, we have bodies that rot and doctors that wont' accept payment plans. Doctors who won't use their skill to help heal a sick person unless they can pay. Not all can pay. I can't wait for heaven. No need to pay. No need to pay at all...why? Because Christ paid it all! God tells us to hate this world. As a Christian, with the Hope of sharing eternity with my Lord, I can say I hate this world. God created it, and it is a beautiful place, but what have we done to it? I hate what we have done to this world and I praise God that He called me and chose me to spend eternity with Him. When He calls you...accept the invitation! Heaven will be so much better than this! I can't wait!

Sunday, October 06, 2002


Bitterness is eating me alive. I dwell. I dwell on the wrongs people do to each other. I dwell on the wrongs a man does to his wife. I dwell on the wrongs Christians do to other Christians in the name of God. I wish I could let it go. I can't let it go. Forgiveness. It is so hard to give forgiveness to those who I don't think deserve it. I don't deserve it from God, but He gives it freely. I'm like Jonah...)by the way...go see the Veggietales Version of Jonah...go NOW! IT IS SO GOOD AND DON'T LEAVE UNTIL ALL THE CREDITS HAVE COMPLETED! Sorry, I digress. I just can't help it. I'm in love with Larry.) It is so hard to forgive. I really want this bitterness gone. I really hate it. Please pray for me!

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Sometimes I Just Can't Pray

Sometimes I just can't pray. Sometimes I feel like prayer is pointless. I know that I need to pray, but sometimes I don't want to. Why? Why don't I want to talk to my Father? Why don't want to talk with He who created me. He who forgave me and He who saved me? It's stupid, I know. He even forgives my bad attitude lately...or, He will, when I can give it up. Why do I hang on to this attitude? I'm irritable. I am so stressed. I hate feeling this way, so why can't I let it go? I feel lonely. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. Sometimes I feel lonely. Probably because when I am like this people stay away!

God forgive me. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I have cut you off from my life for no reason. It leaves me feeling very lonely. Thank you for loving me still. Help me to accept Your love and Divine healing. Father, I need Your Spirit that lives within me to take over my life. Help me not to stifle You. I let you shine once, without I have to think about it. I do not know what has changed, except that life on this planet is tough. I can only be hit so many times. I know my life is blessed, many suffer worse than I. I can be so selfish and think of all these meaningless things that I give meaning to. What is that about? I have so many unanswered questions. When I try to answer them, it comes back to me anyway. I forget to put others first, and instead put me first. Father forgive my selfishness and my impatience. I ask You to come to me and teach me Your ways. Please be gentle with me. I am so afraid in this life and feel so defeated somtimes. I want to be molded into the image of Your Son. I want others to see You in me. Sometimes that seems so impossible, but I know that Your word says that "He who began a good work in you (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I need to trust You. It's not up to me to be Christ, it is up to me to allow you to mold me to that image. Sometimes, I try to do it myself. Those are the times I fail. I have a hard time depending on others, and on You. I don't know why. Pride. Why do I struggle so bad with pride? Do You see why it seems so hopeless to me? There is something wrong with me! I am so blessed, I am too blessed to be stressed, but I am. I attach $$$ to everything! I have put off getting new shoes that I desperately need for work because I have to pay the bills around here. You gave me a framily to take care of and I worry about funds. Kids need this, kids need that. I have some medical bills that I am slowly and surely paying off but they are constantly on my mind driving me crazy! I have put off the dentist because of money. I put off waterproofing because of money. I put off shoes because of money. I put off this because of money. I put off that because of money. I try to be frugal, I try to be responsible with the $ You have given me, but I fail. I waste at times. Sometimes I just think so selfishly "I want this...I'm sick of not having what I want, so I'm buying breakfast out!" I struggle with this so bad God. Please help me to understand that You have brought me this far and You don't fail. Help me to rely soley on You. Help me to know that You are taking care of everything and that things will go a lot smoother if I just stay out of Your way. Like Justin, sometimes he wants so bad to help me with a project, but since I know how to do it and he doesn't it is just easier if he stays out of the way. I bet You think to yourself sometimes "I wish Sue would just stay out of my way!" Thank you for your patience with me Father. I am so undeserving of Your Love and Grace. I guess I am asking you to break me. Break my spirit. It is in the way. I miss you. I miss the fire. I miss joy. I want you back in my life. More of You, less of me. Holy Spirit say a prayer for me. I don't know what to pray, I don't know anything. Help me God. I need You. Help me God.

Thank you Way FM, God just used you...again.