Wednesday, May 19, 2004


In all the splendor and beauty of what God is doing in my life these days, I can't help but have this pain in my heart. I think of my sister who has loved and cared for me and my children over the years. It is so hard to enjoy the blessings when I know that my friend is hurting so much. We have been a framily for 4 years almost. And it is wonderful! I love this framily and I love my life! I was perfectly content with things before I met Adam. I have made excuses to God for some time now about how I am just to busy to have a relationship, I'm happy with things just as they are..why rock the boat? I would tell God...Now is not the time. I think He decided that I would make excuses forever and he just decided that it is time and PLOP there was Adam!

We weren't prepared for this. This is why I was so nervous about meeting him that first night. I was afraid I might like him and well,I did like him and here we are today. I wish Sue could share my joy. I hate that my joy has to hurt my friend who God also gave me several years ago. I love Sue and I feel her pain, her fear of what is to come...

I can't stand to think about her here without us some day. We knew all along that the arrangement was more than likely temporary and that one day God would send somebody to relieve Sue of the awesome responsibility that she has managed so well over the past few years. Even though it's still in the early stages and anything could happen at this point, this is the closest to that reality that we have come. Sometimes I feel so torn. I am happy about the new relationship I have...but I am so heartbroken that my joy is bringing sorrow to my friend. She is excited for me but she has loved us and done so much...I think my point is made.

It's hard not to feel sad and somewhat guilty when I am enjoying Adam's company. I still want to spend time with my friend (I think more than she realizes). But, it's hard to talk about my joy with her because it is happening to me. I know God is going to provide for Sue should this turn into a more serious commitment between Adam and myself...but's not going to be painless. For any of us. My heart aches deeply...constantly because it seems so unfair that she would work so hard to change my life for the better...and I get the reward. Oh, God please help us through this!

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