Insanity

Does one who is going insane know that they are going insane?



Today, I had such a horrendous morning. I actually wondered if I were going insane because my mind is not able to handle much more these days.



I know that most of what I think about and "dwell on" (Katie says I dwell) is unnecessary, but how do you stop thinking about things? I am constantly thinking about everything I have to do at work. It is a lot. I am also thinking about the fact that I am probably the only one thinking about everything not getting done, when I really would like some of my management staff to carry some of the load. I feel so alone at work these days. I have a good staff, it is just weak in the management area right now with a lot of inexperience. Training is straining!



Well, my day started out with the copy machine at church not working properly. This frustrated me. I thought I didn't know how to get it to do what I wanted it to do (copy 2 sides to 2 sides) and I kept trying to figure it out. I wasted about 20 minutes trying different configurations and nothing was working. To normal person it is no big deal, but I am going insane, so this was very irritating. I was also running late and I hate late. It makes me insane too! Finally some church people arrived and I asked for help and discovered that it wasn't me, it was the machine, it is broken. I was able to make copies, I just had to use the feeder tray and go one by one. This is not a good thing for a very impatient person who was already 10 minutes late to work. It made me insane! But, I got the copies of the newsletter done and left for work.



Stopped at McDonald's for breakfast and got irritated at the drive thru. One of my pet peeves is when a person who is waiting for their order is asked to pull up. This happens to allow those behind that person to get their order and go on around the person waiting. My pet peeve is when the person who pulls up does not leave enough room to go around and then sits there oblivious as you carefully maneuver around them. I was getting very frustrated at the day already and I knew all of what needed to get done. I only stopped at McDonald's because I was so late anyway, 5 more minutes wasn't gonna hurt anything, but that woman in the car ahead of me was driving me insane!



So, I finally make it to work and proceed to print out the daily paperwork and reports. I was already irritated, and the printer decided to push me closer to the edge, and malfunctioned. It took me about 20 minutes to purge all the documents and "fix" the printer so I could start printing again. For some reason the pages wouldn't feed correctly and it would jam. This is the short story...I wasted a heck of a lot of time with that piece of equipment and really wanted to rip it off of its perch on the desk and slam it down to the ground in a bazillion pieces! I was so ticked! I don't have the time to mess with that kind of stuff! I was talking to myself! I was yelling at the printer! It didn't respond! THAT MADE ME EVEN MORE ANGRY! This sure sounds dumb to blog. That's where I started wondering if I were insane.



My brain felt like it was going to explode. I was talking to myself. I was so on edge. It was as if satan was hitting me with small arrows, but LOTS of them. Everything was going wrong. It was like that Alanis Morissette song from years back "Ironic" (yes, I know it was the wrong use of the term ironic) but the song was about how everything seems to go wrong..."no smoking sign on your cigarette break", "rain on your wedding day", "free ride when you've already paid"...that kind of stuff. That was my morning. Thing is I have a lot of those mornings/days. When I was talking to myself I started telling satan, "you are not going to break me", but then I would say to myself "ummmmmmmm, I think he has!" and I would say "NO!" and then "Sue, you are talking to yourself. You better hope no employee shows up early to work, you may be committed." Then I sat in the chair that I had pulled up to the stupid printer so I could feed the paper through by hand and just sat there with my head in my hands. I sat quiet. I was screaming inside. I could feel my heart beating in the veins in my head.



I tried to calm down. I knew that I needed God to help me with my burdens. With my stress. I just didn't know how to give it to Him and to be honest, I was upset with Him. I even asked why He was allowing all this stuff in my life to go on? What was His point? What is He trying to teach me. This is not just about broken copy machines and printers. There's more stress than that....staffing issues, financial issues, framily issues, nothing is serious in and of itself, but all put together, it weighs a ton!



It was about 20 minutes until the store was to open. I decided to sit at my desk and pray. And listen. Tears came. I want my heart right and I don't know what to do.



It was time to open the store and I was feeling better. Then, I opened the store and my employee who was scheduled to be there was not. I immediately was very irritated by that and just about all the comfort I gained in my prayer time went right out the window. I am sick and tired of working understaffed with the labor hours I am allowed, and when someone doesn't show up on time, it really really really gets me upset. It makes me insane! Also, I plan to work on certain projects, some of which are time-sensitive and when someone is late or doesn't come in, it throws off the plan. I hate that! It was just another thing piled on top of my giant irritating mountain of annoyance! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr



So, I am looking forward to my vacation. I am hoping that time away from my store and time spent at home in Ohio will do me good. I do need time away. I don't want to be insane. It scares me.



Other than that, which all happened before noon, the day went well. Made sales goal. My new hires are doing well. I had Potato Buds for dinner even though Katie protested "That's all you are having for dinner? Fake smashed tators?" Is that a sign of insanity?