Butterflies

On August 4 I celebrated 3 years since the day I began metamorphosis. I didn't know when I awoke at my mothers that morning that I would leave my husband of 11 years that night. For 11 years I lived in stagnation because I was trapped in a cocoon of dysfunction and abuse. I didn't grow... I couldn't. I never knew anything about me. I only knew what I was told about me. I was trapped and it actually appeared safer that way.



Last week I went to a butterfly release through the WRAP program. Each butterfly was released in memory or in honor of a victim of abuse. While I was there, I met Twana. She is the incredible woman who began a support group through WRAP. The support group is called Survivors. Well, I am now a member of that group. I attended my first meeting Thursday night. Much like the butterfly release, it was an emotional time for me. I rejoiced in my new life while my heart grieved with those who were still living in their cocoon. There was a woman at the release who was covered with bruises over every exposed part of her body. At the meeting, there was a woman who weeped bitterly the entire time. She was sitting beside me. I have tears welling up as I think about it. My heart rejoices in my new found freedom but it hurts for those who are still hurting more deeply than words can explain. I know that hurt. Sometimes I think I have forgotten because it's behind me now but then I see their faces and I have a fresh understanding of what they are going through.



There is not a doubt in my mind where my calling is in this life. I have always wondered. Now, I know. My heart is with these women and Twana is my new role model. I talked with her last night for about an hour. I don't think she will ever know how much our conversation blessed me. I remember talking about how unjustly victims are treated and how difficult it is for them to be understood. I shared with her a little bit about how I went from victim to criminal.



I told Twana about how I went to counseling and how it blew me away when the counselors predicted every move my husband would make. It was almost as if my counselors were psychic or something. It was scary! I learned about manipulation and how abusers like to hide behind religion. This happened in my situation. While under an order of protection, my husband all of a sudden ended up at church one Sunday morning (which was against his religion). When it came time for the closing prayer prior to invitation, we (me, the kids, and Sue) slipped out in fear. It was at this time that my husband "got saved". I was prepared that he might do this but unsure whether or not he was sincere. I prayed about it and it couldn't have been more clear to me that God wanted me to watch for the fruit. Well, that evening the church called wanting me to attend marriage counseling. I knew that this wasn't God's plan for that time so I respectfully refused explaining that I needed time and further one on one counseling first. I believe that was the turning point when I went from victim to criminal because at the next court hearing, I had no support from the church but......my husband did! I was accused of having an affair with my best friend (which was expected). The lawyer given to me by the state ended up giving me copies of articles about women who had lost their children due to having certain "wrongful" relationships (after the judge laughed at the accusation). Then when I got a new lawyer that I had to pay, HE SEEMED TO BE ON MY HUSBANDS SIDE! When we were in his office he basically said that I was like all women just trying to make him look bad by crying abuse. GIVE ME A BREAK! OH BROTHER! It was truly by the grace of God and God alone that I got to the place where I am today! So, there you have it! I CAN do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13) and if God goes before me........who can come against me (Rom. 8:31)??????



This butterfly found emancipation! I am no longer living in the bondage of dysfunction or abuse that I grew up in and married. It is truly a miracle that I can share this testimony today. God made a way when there seemed to be no way. With God all things are possible (Matt 19:26). The odds were against me. I lost my church, my friends, and my family couldn't do much to help. They were too far away. I gained a new church family who are as close or closer to me than most of my earthly family. I have my sister, Sue who has been the biggest tool God has used in my life and the lives of my children. Then, there is Dave, my main counselor who helped me to realize that I can achieve goals and I do have worth. God has used people like Sue's mentor from Iowa (now mine too, and a great counselor as well) and other members of the body to give us financial and otherwise needed support at just the right time. Then, there is Sue's family. They have adopted us into their family as if we belong there. There are so many more that I could go on all day.



I didn't have a support group. I didn't have a church that could help me. I had no money and no place to go. But, I had God and that was all this caterpillar needed to become a butterfly. Now my heart is committed to all the other caterpillars who are sitting stagnant in their cocoons. For some of them it is past time for metamorphosis. They are dying and they need help. They need prayer, support, and love. God has called me for this. I began my metamorphosis on August 4, 2000. Today, I embrace my freedom as a butterfly. I am a beautiful creation, fearfully and wonderfully made , knit together by the very hand of God (Ps. 139:14). By His very breath I live (Job 33:4). I am fully equipped to do everything according to His will (2 Tim 3:16-17).



I used to see myself as a failure. I had no goals in life. That is the past. As for the present.....I celebrated my first anniversary of freedom by giving a gift to Dr. David Gushee........my friend, my counselor, my brother in Christ. It was a sheet of paper containing a list of goals with every one checked off. He had given me these goals when we first met for counseling. I have set and achieved many goals since them and I am currently working on many more. I have a new goal now (well, maybe..I'm toying with the idea). Just for fun, I might to try out for a musical at some point. I was inspired at the Hello Dolly performance the other night. They just seemed to be having so much fun! I pursued a career in theatre at one point in my life but due to my negative programming I gave up on that idea. I no longer desire that as a career because I feel that God has other plans for my life. But, I do think it would be fun to take part in theatre as a hobby. I also plan to write and publish at least one book in my lifetime (of which is currently in the making).



God has surrounded me with so many beautiful butterflies to be my role models. My biggest goal in life is to give back to Him by presenting myself as a role model in hopes to see other butterflies released as I have been... And I do as I always will... give to Him... all the Glory and Honor and Praise Forever!



When God called me to women's ministry this is the scripture He gave me:



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)



I do have hope and a future. Thank you Lord, Jesus. It's all because of You.