So You Say It's Your Birthday

On April 4, 1999 I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I, as do most people, celebrate my birthday each year and I have for twenty-seventeen of them now. No, most people don't celebrate my birthday, they celebrate their own birthdays, but you know what I mean. I have also celebrated each December 7th because that is my adoption anniversary.



My parents told me I was adopted when I was 7 years old and in the second grade. I had no clue what it meant at the time, but I do remember having a cake...chocolate. I love chocolate cake. I love chocolate, but I digress. They threw me what was very similar to a birhtday party. Well, what better way to celebrate?...than with chocolate? Oh, I did it again! My mom and dad shared cake with me and explained that I was special because I was adopted. I went to school the next day bragging about being adopted, and truthfully I had no idea what it meant. All I knew is that I felt loved and had a chocolate cake and was told I was special. I grew up believing that I was special and that I was loved. I was very secure knowing that I had a family that loved and cared for me, and that being adopted was in fact, special.



Five years ago God adopted me! A few months after my salvation experience, pastor gave an incredible sermon on what being adopted into God's family really meant. In that message I learned that back in the early bible days, the adopted sons enjoyed the same privileges as natural born sons. An adopted person would gain all the rights and inheritances of a natural born son. I also remember the pastor telling us that adopted people could not lose their inheritance because once a person was adopted, it couldn't be undone, it was the law and it was binding. He used this to compare how once we are adopted into God's family, we are there...forever. Our inheritance is promised to us.



God has brought me a great distance in these five years. In the beginning, I made major, MAJOR life adjustments! I was ready and willing to follow God anywhere. He started me off in a wonderful church and I was given some great spiritual mentors right off the bat. Deb, she is the main instrument God used to draw me to Himself. She was an encourager and guided me in those very first few steps of my walk in Him. Irma was another tool that He used to introduce some of His family to me and help me plug in at church. Then once I made my committment, He led me to Noni who is still very influential in my walk today. I wanted to learn all I could about the Lover of my Soul, so I studied and studied and studied and studied. He eventually led me to leave Iowa and move to Tennessee, where I now live. People often ask how I ended up in TN and I will usually respond "God". Let me tell you...Tennessee is a TEST! LOL



I have gone through a lot spiritually since following Him to this state. It has not always been easy, and everyday I am learning to trust Him more. It has often been one wild ride, but He has not once let me down.



While He hasn't let me down, I feel that I am constantly failing Him. I am tired and worn out. I beat myself up all the time because I just can't live up. I feel defeated. I love Jesus, but I am clothed in sin. That's all I can see of me. I don't understand how I can know that God loves me through His son, and what He sees of me is the perfection of Christ, yet all I can see in me is darkness.



I know that I am not to live in defeat, this is not the plan God has for my life. My attitude is just not where it needs to be. I am highly judgemental and critical...these are problems I don't seem to be able to beat. I feel guilt all the time because I am not being the person God created me to be, the friend I need to be, the sister I am supposed to be, the daughter I should be, or the Christian I am. I am selfish with my time and I haven't even been giving God enough of it.



I am wandering in the desert, trying desperately to stay on the narrow road that is covered over daily by the sand and the wind.