Saturday, May 27, 2006


"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Phillippians 4:5-7).

I think one of the most difficult struggles as a Christian is believing that God is who He says He is and He will do what He says He will do. He is Creator. He is the Provider. He is the Peace Speaker, and so much more. He promises to provide all we need. But, do I believe it?

My Beloved cares for me and knows what's best. He has always provided. But, still I doubt. I worry about things all the time. But, one thing that I've realized recently is how bogged down people can become with their "call" from God. It becomes a burden instead of a blessing. It becomes a chore instead of a joy.

For me, anxiety isn't in doing what God has "called" me to do. It's not doing it. (I understand that my first and most important call is to be a mother so I ask anyone that may be tempted, to refrain from telling me this. This is a given.)

I received His call to women's minsitry at age 16 (I knew it even when I wasn't yet a woman). It was confirmed again at age 22 when I recommitted my backslidden lifestyle, and again at age 36 after a divorce when I doubted my "qualifications". So, here it's been, going on two decades since I publicly resurrendered my life to God and well, I don't seem to be where "I" think I ought to be. Hmmmm.

I have spent many years anxiously trying to fulfill that my own way. I keep trying to prepare myself through educations, seminars, Bible study, etc... Yet, I have discovered that I have experienced so much anxiety, especially now because I'm getting older and I see very little evidence of doing what I think I'm supposed to do. I keep trying to figure out where I've gone wrong. Am I studying enough? Am I living right? Am I smart enough or worthy? The answer is no because I'm trusting in books, and degrees, and worst of all, myself! No wonder I doubt, no wonder I am dissatisfied!

God placed a call on my life the day I accepted Him as my personal Lord and Savior. This call has been reaffirmed over and over througout my life. So, why can't I just rest in that and trust God that He will do what He says He will do in HIS time, in HIS way, for HIS purpose and glory? I treat my calling almost like a possession. "THIS IS MY CALLING AND NOBODY IS GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY!" Oh brother! No wonder He hasn't put me in a position of ministry! It's clear that my attitude is one lacking in maturity as well as humility.

God tells us to be anxious for nothing and I think one of the biggest anxieties I have had over the past 10 plus years is OVER MY CALL! It has become an obsession, a burden, an idol, and a bondage. I don't think that's what God intended. I know that's not what He all.

I think, like so many others, I have been missing the point. He doesn't call us for our own benefit, or our own glory (although we do benefit from our surrender to His calling). We are called for HIS purpose and HIS glory...and for the benefit of OTHERS.

As Christians, we all share one call...

"...Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them win the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you..." (Matthew 28: 19-20).

He will determine in what way, and when. In the meanntime, I need to learn to just grow in Him and be ready to go when and where He tells me. This may be to my children, to my neighbors, in a classroom, in a conference hall, or in a dump.

I need to stop trying to prepare myself for my idea of where I'm going and when. I need to pray, study, and prepare my heart. I need to just say, "Here I am, send me..." and then just trust Him and wait....

Being still.....that's another blog

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