Crossroads

After 3 years of torture, I will finally have my associate's degree when I graduate this spring. Yay! Now, the problem(s) is (are).....



I am going for a degree in social work and anything less than a bachelor's degree in that field is useless. So, if I don't go on to school, I have basically wasted my time thus far. Since I haven't received child support in over a year, the financial situation ...it isn't...ummm well....it just isn't. I have had lots of help from my Christian family and government assistance but I don't intend to have a career as a professional beggar for the next several years. I definitely have to go to work. This would not be a problem if I didn't have the kids, or if I had family they could stay with. Not only that, but, I would have to change to a 4 yr. institution that will be much more expensive than community college and the grant I get would be just a drop in the bucket compared to the tuition. Since I have to think about my kids going to college, I don't need to get myself into hock paying for my own student loans. Also if I go to work, I stand a good chance on losing the health coverage I get (and need) from the state while I'm a broke student because chances are good that the job I get will not have the greatest health coverage..if any at all. (Some choice huh?)



Another issue I have to deal with is that I have 2 children in a very BAD school system and I need to move them someplace else. When I do look for a job, I need to think about a place that is close to where I'm going to transfer my kids to so that it's not way out of the way. On the other hand, I could think about sending them to private school but that would be even more expense. I'd probably have to work two jobs to cover it. Then who is going to be the parent? And...since I have no clue where I'm going to send the kids, I have no clue about where to look for work or vice versa.



When I think about just putting off the degree for a few more years and going to work instead, it's not because of the same reasons I put it off the first time. I feel like my kids shouldn't have to sacrifice because of a stupid decision I made earlier in life. It was my mistake...so why should they have to pay for it? They are already paying enough for my poor choice about marriage.



If I go to school and work, then when will I have time to be a good parent? The kids are involved in extracurricular activities after school..(band, soccer, plays). It wouldn't be right for me to deprive them of that while I am working and finishing my degree. I just don't think it would be fair to them. If I do get my degree, my kids will be 14 and 17 when I graduate. I can't expect them to spend their entire childhood sacrificing like that. Since my divorce, I believe these are the most difficult and complicated decisions I have had to make and I am at a loss as of now. If I was getting child support, then the kids wouldn't have to sacrifice so much while I go to school. At least it would be something to help with the bills and the kid's personal needs until I finish and am able to fully support them myself. Unfortunately red tape and poorly enforced laws work against us... but, let's not open up that can of worms!



I'm obviously not going to get child support so I need to adjust my life accordingly. I want to be a good servant to God and mother to the children He has blessed me with, but I'm not sure which choice(es) would help me attain that goal.



Everything was going smooth until this year. Graduation should be a celebration but instead, I am at a MAJOR crossroads and so far I'm not getting much direction...well, except the ever famous...."Don't worry" and "Be still". I know I should do these things...I should practice what I'm always preaching, but, it's a bit difficult this time. I really need to be bathed in prayer about this.



I have made many poor choices in life and had to suffer severe consequences as a result. So have my children. One of those poor choices was waiting to go to college. Another one was getting married out of God's will. I don't want to make choices like that anymore. I don't want to hurt my kids from poor, selfish choices either. I want to make the right decisions. (Funny, I have a trophy for good decision making that I won at a career conference in highschool. It should have been a trophy for poor decision making). I need some open doors...and/or maybe even some closed ones.



I need direction from the Father. I need wisdom and discernment. I need the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ.