Bouncing Back

Author: Katie

You know, I'm really thankful that I had the opportunity to undergo some persecution the other day. I undergo persecution a lot but this time was a bit different. The person I blogged about.....Clueless.......has really caused me to reflect on how I was much like him at one point in my life and what happened to cause that to change.

Today in church I spent some time in deep reflection. It's amazing how easy it is to forget who my first Love is when distracted by persecution and well.....life. During the awesome service, I went back to revisit the cross. I'm sad to say, it's been a while. We had communion also and that took up a good portion of the service. The music played and I understood the lyrics of some songs like never before. I'm not going into specific examples because that's not what this blog is about. What I will say though is that in the time of communion and worship, I found, in those words, and in the intimacy of the moment, where my focus should be. I realized that it hasn't been there.

After church I kept pondering things that happened and I kept thinking about Clueless. I remember a time in my life when I was clueless. It took tragedy for me to wake up. My life was in a mess to the point that I saw no hope of it ever getting better. I found myself not wanting to go on. I wanted to die and I would even think of ways to kill myself that would be the easiest. But, I had a baby to consider and I didn't think it was fair to mess up his life just because I wanted to escape. I praise God for my son. God used him to save my life that day. There were other days after that as well that my children were the only ones keeping me together. But, on that particular day, I remember praying.."God, If it wasn't for my son, I would take my life today. You have to help me. I can't go on like this. I can't do it!" I cried so long and so hard.

I'm going to take a step backward to say that prior to my son's birth, I was a pretty rebellious person. I had a filthy mouth and life was about parties! I remember hanging out with people who were doing cocaine, shooting up, smoking pot, drinking.....you name it. Personally, I was afraid to do anything stronger than alcohol, speed or marijuana. I guess that's a good thing. Anyhow, I was one of those people who mocked Christians. I said and did things that I would never admit to in public or anywhere else for that matter. I have a very shameful past. Anyhow, I thought I could make it without God. I thought I knew better.

My husband and I both agreed that the partying had to stop when children came into the picture. We wanted to be 'responsible' parents (hint: there's more than quitting the party scene that makes a parent responsible). So, although we stopped partying, there was still so much more to do in order to achieve this goal. Unfortunately, my husband and I had different theories on what a responsible person behaved like, which brings me up to where I left off earlier......

I cried so hard......so long. I never felt so alone and so hopeless in my life. I wanted things to change but I felt helpless. I had no clue what to do. I tried everything I knew.......apart from God. I cried out to God that day. I told Him that if He didn't do something, that I had no other choice but to handle it my way, the cowards way, the selfish way. I even thought about taking my son with me because I thought it would be better than leaving him behind with the mess of a life I had birthed him into. Boy am I glad God woke me up that day. The next morning was a Sunday and I decided to go to church again for the first time in many years.

That brief moment of crying out was when it changed. I didn't know it at the time. But slowly my life began to change from that moment on. I was still in a bad marriage for many years after that but I found my sanity in church and with church people. I found strength in my faith and I found my faith growing through every difficult time in my life. I truly believe that the reason for this is because from that moment on, I put my life in God's hands. Being human, I have had periods when I have tried to do things myself, when I have had doubts in the Truth presented in the Bible, when I have doubted God..........many times. I still do (as you can see by reading previous blogs). But, I know God is real and He is there and He hears and knows and meets my every need. Every time I got to the point that I didn't think I could handle life anymore, I prayed for Him to help me out of it and just because of that moment of prayer.......I found a source of strength to endure.

Each time I prayed, there was an answer. Each time I got an answer, my faith grew. Each time my faith grew, I became closer to God and realized how much I was messing my life up. I learned that the Truths I learned from studying the Bible and prayer were the true roadmaps to follow in life. It is a very difficult road to follow, but the life without it was much more difficult. I truly know with everything in me that I would not be blogging about this today if I hadn't given my life over to God's hands.

As I go back and read over the blog from a couple days ago, I have to laugh. To think that I still get distracted about the why's and what if's even now just blows my mind. Will I ever learn? So, God doesn't heal a toothache, or a headache, or even a disease when and how I want Him to. Big deal. The things He does do is where I need to keep my focus and these things are far greater and longer lasting. Man, I am such a human sometimes.

Wow! For two years I have been trying to come up with my testimony for our website and I haven't been able to think about how to present it! I have it! I know what to write now! It's all thanks to Clueless. I just hope that he gets a clue someday. I prayed for him today. I will continue to. I will never forget him. God used his persecution towards my friend and myself to give me yet another major turning point in my life. That makes him unforgetable. He may never change his attitude and he may never stop persecuting Christians. But that doesn't mean that God can't work through it. I hope that someday Clueless will see things from a different perspective and take a chance on God. And you know what? It really can be compared to the effects of pot smoking in some ways. I do get high on the Spirit but it's the Spirit of God and not marijuana. The effects are better, longer lasting, they save money, and have only good consequences. I've had both and from now on, I choose the latter. (The comment used by Clueless when he spoke on 'walking funny' is great! You definately do walk different when you stop going to church.....although it's not always so funny.)

I am walking straight because I am high on the Spirit of Christ!

"For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." (Titus 3:3-7)