He Is Still With Me

Many times when a person goes on vacation, they get home and have the blues because they miss wherever it was that they were vacationing. They miss the people, the sights, the feeling of escape and rest.

My retreat to be with God is so different than going on a vacation. It's totally cool because even though the scenery is a bit different and life still goes on when I return, the One I went on vacation to be with is still with me! He's still talking to me and I'm falling deeper in love every day.

When I got home, the environment was a bit different, but God has shown me how special I am in that when I go out into my own back yard, there are trees full of my favorite brilliant fall colors and all of the basking I did at the lake I am continuing to do in my own back yard. It's not only about the trees and what I can see with my eyes however. That's just an added blessing to the way God has been speaking to me and continuing to change me.

He has been showing me areas in my life that need to be worked on and things I need to confess to Him and others. As I sit in my back yard, watching the beautiful leaves fall, I think about how his blessings are showering down on me. He is changing my heart and moving me forward in my walk with Him.

It's funny how we think we need things but when we let go and trust Him, He shows us what we really need while also taking care of what we think we need at the same time.

On a different note, (perhaps this is another blog). While basking in His presence and listening to the song, "Held" by Natalie Grant, I was once again compassionately moved in my heart to think of the parents of John Parrish (my son's former classmate who was killed in a car accident a couple weeks ago). The song talks about how hope is birthed from tragedy. My heart has gone out to that family so much. The hope I have found in from this tragedy is a new relationship with my children. I've had a rude awakening to how quickly life can change and how every time my children walk out the door, or hang up the phone, that may be the last chance I have to say, "I love you."

I have always been one to say I love you as the last thing when I leave those I love or hang up. I mean it every time I say it as well. But, now, it means even more. God has used this during this time of growth to help me to see that I need to be more patient. I need to not get so stressed out because I run here and there and have to do all these things that aren't so fun because my kids are involved in things that take away from myrest time. I still don't enjoy all the running around but I do it without all the complaining and whining. I'm so ashamed of how miserable I was towards them and how I snuffed the joy right out of the things they love to do. So, I say "I love you" every time I drop them off...after I have whined, complained and grumbled about how much time they take out of what I enjoy doing. Man, sometimes I can be so darn selfish!

Another area where I feel change coming about is in my attitude towards somebody who hurt me really bad last year. I have fought off bitterness ever since. I have to keep forgiving and keep forgiving...but now I think I am the one who needs to seek forgiveness for the grudge I have held...even though I denied it, even though I felt I had the right. God tells us that we are to love Him first and then love others. That's the first and greatest commandment (Mark 12:30). If we love God we will automatically love others. And, when we love others, we are loving God.

I said to somebody the other day, "It's the others part I have trouble with. Some people are just hard to love." I realized the instant I said that that if it's hard to love others, then I have a bigger problem to be concerned with than my relationship with that person. If I can't love others, than something is terribly wrong with my relationship with God. Something needs to be fixed in my personal life.

Getting back to the Natalie Grant song, "Held"...

In the midst of the struggle in our life, whether it is the death of a loved one or the loss of a job, I can find the peace and hope I need in the arms of God. "This is what it means to be held when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive." Without our tragedies, we would not be able to lean on God. Without our tragedies, we wouldn't know the blessing of God's rescue from the midst of our trouble. Our tragedies glorify God because they cause us to turn to Him so that He can hold us and let us be in the midst of his most Holy, Perfect, Loving embrace.

Last weekend, on my final night of the retreat, I laid on the floor of a docked tourist boat staring at the stars. The winds were blowing and the waves were tossing the boat. There, I found the Peace that surpasses all understanding in the midst of rough waters. This is what it means to be held.

My weekend retreat has passed, but I didn't leave behind what I found there. He is still with me...holding me, teaching me, loving me.