What's Wrong With Me?

Today I woke up and got ready for work as usual. I'm getting sick of going to work. Especially on Sunday. I haven't been to a worship service since November...before Thanksgiving. One of the not-so-cool things about retail.

I really need God now. I am so stressed about work. I am one of those worrier types. I never wanted to admit that, but I am. I guess the Brainbench test shows that as well. I know that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow and that today has enough troubles of its own. I know that the lilies are clothed and birds are fed and I will be too. I want so bad to be successful at work though. I want to succeed. I want to be the best I can be!

Things are chaos. Many demands are being made of me. I can't deliver on them. Not all of them. Not all at once. I also worry about the future. My assistant is leaving. I don't have someone trained to take her place, although it is in process. I don't have the best staff right now and all my best employees are headed back to school. I am also upset at the demands the company is making of me. Some are totally ridiculous. The rebellious spirit in me just wants to not do the things that seem like busy work, but then the perfectionist within me hates that I don't have everything done and done to perfection. It's so draining on me. All of it.

Then, the worst part is I take it out on my framily. It's stupid. They don't do anything to me. They love me. I called and apologized to Katie today for being so "mean". I said things I didn't mean, with a "tone" I didn't intend. She is my best friend and I treated her so poorly simply because she called to give me an update on the people from church we socialize with. It's an awesome thing, and instead of sharing joy, I spoiled the moment by considering it something else to add to my to-do list. I'm so stupid at times. Anyway, I called Katie and she said "we always take it out on the ones we love. But the ones we love love us anyway." I love her!

My mom is so cool too. She "listens" to my worries/rants about work. She usually has some funny things to add and just comiserates with me. I appreciate our AOL IMs each night we get a chance to chat.

Tonight I should be praying. I should be using this peace and quiet while Katie and her kids are visiting her mom. What am I doing? I'm blogging. I'm reading blogs. I'm playing Sims. I want to long to be with my Father! I'm listening to some Big Daddy Weave and enjoying the moments of worship some of the music brings me to, but I want to need Him! I want to long to spend time with Him. Instead, I am choosing to do other things. What's wrong with me?

When I talked to Katie a few minutes ago she said "you are going to need Him a lot during the next few months...better work on your relationship." It's true, so why am I not using this time more efficiently? What's wrong with me?

I am in His Word daily. I just finished reading it cover to cover and I enjoyed it so much I plan to do it again in 2003, only chronologically this time. I have also been delving into some Christian Apologetics as well each night recently. I listen almost exclusively to Christian music and a lot of praise and worship. I say prayers. I pray. What I am not doing is those down and out, big-time all empowering prayers! The praying I want to do is the praying that comes from brokeness! The praying I want to do comes from the His Spirit! I used to pray that way....what's wrong with me?