Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I Messed Up Again

As I have been struggling through my spiritual wilderness, I was listening with intent interest to this today. (Click the link and allow it to load so you can listen while you read.)

What you will hear is just a snippet from a song, but it is a heart cry, my heart's cry at this time.

In this wilderness I sometimes feel I will never emerge from it. Now and then I will have a glimmer of hope that I am hearing from God, that I am sensing His presence, or that maybe I am not as far gone as I think that I am. Unfortunately those moments are fleeting and I am left feeling defeated again. I hold on to hope only because I do trust His Word which teaches me that He will never leave or forsake me. I cling to His promises even though it is sometimes very difficult to muddle through. I know that my Father loves me and can never not love me. He can never love me less than He already does, and He can not possibly love me more. He is love, and I am His.

In this wilderness it is so easy to just feel like I want to "chunk it". You know, just be done with trying to feel anything, it is so exhausting. Isn't that stupid? Or at least I want a "do-over".

I keep trying to do the right things. I am meeting with a woman from church every other week to do Bible study and be transparent. I'm not sure I'm being successful with transparency. I want to get to church, but my work schedule is really hindering that and I have been working more than I have been worshipping. It's really taking a toll on me and I figure it is one way satan is shooting arrows at me. I'm just having difficulty talking about where I am spiritually with anyone because I don't really know where I am. I guess I should just talk to the One who knows where I am. I should just talk to I Am.

I want to want to pray, rather than feel like I have to or that it is such a chore.

I want to be carefree in the Lord as I once was, rather than be strapped to legalistic thinking that I abhor.

I want to open my Bible and see His love, rather than decipher the metaphors and the parables.

I don't understand where I went wrong, but through some of this I can only blame myself for walking off the narrow.

"I messed up again." It's a theme in my life lately.

So, while driving today, I was listening to this music and realized that I am beating myself up. "I messed up again." "I messed up again." "I messed up again."

I keep trying to make myself worthy of God. Duh. Ummmmm...not possible Sue!

I guess I feel that if I can make myself worthy, I'll get out of this desert place I am in. That sure is taking on a lot of responsibility and if I am honest with myself, I know that I can't handle it. I'll just mess up again!

It's time to get down on my knees.

Snippet: Jennifer Knapp "Undo Me" - Jennifer Knapp Live

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