Thursday, October 03, 2002

Sometimes I Just Can't Pray

Sometimes I just can't pray. Sometimes I feel like prayer is pointless. I know that I need to pray, but sometimes I don't want to. Why? Why don't I want to talk to my Father? Why don't want to talk with He who created me. He who forgave me and He who saved me? It's stupid, I know. He even forgives my bad attitude lately...or, He will, when I can give it up. Why do I hang on to this attitude? I'm irritable. I am so stressed. I hate feeling this way, so why can't I let it go? I feel lonely. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. Sometimes I feel lonely. Probably because when I am like this people stay away!

God forgive me. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I have cut you off from my life for no reason. It leaves me feeling very lonely. Thank you for loving me still. Help me to accept Your love and Divine healing. Father, I need Your Spirit that lives within me to take over my life. Help me not to stifle You. I let you shine once, without I have to think about it. I do not know what has changed, except that life on this planet is tough. I can only be hit so many times. I know my life is blessed, many suffer worse than I. I can be so selfish and think of all these meaningless things that I give meaning to. What is that about? I have so many unanswered questions. When I try to answer them, it comes back to me anyway. I forget to put others first, and instead put me first. Father forgive my selfishness and my impatience. I ask You to come to me and teach me Your ways. Please be gentle with me. I am so afraid in this life and feel so defeated somtimes. I want to be molded into the image of Your Son. I want others to see You in me. Sometimes that seems so impossible, but I know that Your word says that "He who began a good work in you (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I need to trust You. It's not up to me to be Christ, it is up to me to allow you to mold me to that image. Sometimes, I try to do it myself. Those are the times I fail. I have a hard time depending on others, and on You. I don't know why. Pride. Why do I struggle so bad with pride? Do You see why it seems so hopeless to me? There is something wrong with me! I am so blessed, I am too blessed to be stressed, but I am. I attach $$$ to everything! I have put off getting new shoes that I desperately need for work because I have to pay the bills around here. You gave me a framily to take care of and I worry about funds. Kids need this, kids need that. I have some medical bills that I am slowly and surely paying off but they are constantly on my mind driving me crazy! I have put off the dentist because of money. I put off waterproofing because of money. I put off shoes because of money. I put off this because of money. I put off that because of money. I try to be frugal, I try to be responsible with the $ You have given me, but I fail. I waste at times. Sometimes I just think so selfishly "I want this...I'm sick of not having what I want, so I'm buying breakfast out!" I struggle with this so bad God. Please help me to understand that You have brought me this far and You don't fail. Help me to rely soley on You. Help me to know that You are taking care of everything and that things will go a lot smoother if I just stay out of Your way. Like Justin, sometimes he wants so bad to help me with a project, but since I know how to do it and he doesn't it is just easier if he stays out of the way. I bet You think to yourself sometimes "I wish Sue would just stay out of my way!" Thank you for your patience with me Father. I am so undeserving of Your Love and Grace. I guess I am asking you to break me. Break my spirit. It is in the way. I miss you. I miss the fire. I miss joy. I want you back in my life. More of You, less of me. Holy Spirit say a prayer for me. I don't know what to pray, I don't know anything. Help me God. I need You. Help me God.

Thank you Way FM, God just used you...again.

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