Healing

I think the time is near. God is healing me. I have finally gotten to the point where it is more of a drag to hang onto unforgiveness and bitterness than to just let it go and let God deal. I have held onto resentment and anger too long. I was hurt by a church. I watched that church reject one of its own and not deal with a situation I thought should have been dealt with better. My pride, my sin, allowed me to feel justified in being angry and critical of that particular group of Christ followers.

satan used my pride to wear me down, actually I allowed satan to throw his darts at me and peck away at me through that sin. Make me bitter and become a less effective witness for the Kingdom. My gift of prophecy is awesome, but sometimes having the Truth revealed to me so easily makes it hard for me to understand that other's are not as keen of the Truth or how to apply it to life. This frustrates me and sometimes enrages me. But, as a grow and mature in my faith, I am learning better to deal with the "side-effects" of my spiritual gifts.

I was saved in April 1999 and by the end of that year it was clear that God was moving me from my home in Iowa, to the Bible Belt, here in TN. I thought He was moving me here to be an awesome witness because I was so onfire for Christ! My plan was to move here and see my friends husband get saved and therefore their troubled marriage healed. I had it all planned out. Unfortunately, God's thoughts aren't my thoughts, and His ways are not mine. Scratch that...I should say fortunately His thoughts aren't mine! Whew! We'd all be in BIG trouble if that were the case!

When I moved down, everything started to fall into place. I got a job immediately, I had a roof over my head and eventually my own place. My friend and I took time each week to go to the Tennessee River for Bible study and worship time and boy! Do I miss those times!

It took only a few months for satan to start working on me. His darts came through different people and some were "Christian" people. That's the part that hurt the worst! I grew very bitter and angry for various reasons and held much resentment toward certian people and groups of people. It grew and grew and got out of control and only hurt me and my relationship with God. I didn't like the person I was becoming!

Well, this type of thinking has gone on inside me for almost 3 years. It has made me so irritable! It has taken away my joy. My first Love! I was blaming Christians for my misery...because they weren't living up to the standard of "Christian"! Katie asks me why I think I set the standard. She knows how to turn my finger around and point it right back at me! Praise God for her! It has been difficult adjusting to the Bible Belt culture. There are so many "playing" Christian. I don't want to play Christian. I want to be conformed into the likeness of Jesus Christ. While I'm criticizing the "Christianity" of others, I am doing exactly what I accuse them of doing. My awesome sister in Christ tells me that I'm trying to do God's work for Him. She's right, I have tried to. I also failed badly and in the end have made only myself miserable and my framily too. I think I have learned that God will deal with the Christian who is diligently seeking to do HisWill. God will deal with that Christian, as He has myself, when they stray from the path.

God has helped me realize, truly know, that my bitterness and anger has hurt no one but me. I decided that I needed to confess. I guess on tv the cool thing to do would be to go to the church, stand up at the invitation and announce my sin and ask forgiveness. Instead, I sent an email. I explained that I want and need their forgiveness. I explained why I harbored bitterness/resentment and that I am guilty of the same thing I accuse them of. I am prideful. I have bitterness. It is subsiding.

I am awaiting a response to my email. It has been 2 days now. It really doesn't matter if I get a response or not because God is healing me. He alone is in control. I forgive. He forgives me. My yoke is heavy and I give it to Him.

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! \o/