Living the Call Day 24 - Out of the Darkness

Author: Katie

Mark 12: 29-30
29"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'

I have been struggling to find sleep and peace in the dark of night for the last few days...in flesh and spirit. I have not set time aside with God due to a very busy schedule. Today, I anticipated this much needed time that has been very missed. I started by opening my most recent book of journals and reading from the beginning. It's amazing because the journal starts with the same things I am still talking about...loving God and others. I realize that, until I reach Glory, I will forever be in need of growth and transformation in this area. But, there is something in my 5th entry that jumped out at me and spoke life to me today. God speaks to me through my very words on the pages of my own journal.

So far, since I have begun "Living the Call", I have been spoken to in the most unexpected ways...

From my garbage about my garbage

From my coffee cup He lifted me up (further down the page)

From my journal about my journey

From my painted walls to my tainted heart (another blog in progress)

I know, it's corny but I am an artist and I can be that way sometimes! Perhaps these will be the chapters of my book...I can't wait to see how God will bring it all together!

Today, the above mentioned journal entry that spoke to me was dated 4/19/10.

"Note: If my life is not filled with joy and my heart cannot rejoice in my circumstances, then I have allowed my flesh to put that light out. I have no one to blame but myself."

I was speaking in regards to how I was handling different circumstances but I can definitely apply it to where my mind has been the last few days. I can NOT live apart from God. I can NOT focus apart from His Word. Every day I need Him. Every day that I don't take time out to be alone with Him, my flesh gains strength and my spirit weakens. Here are some of the fruits that come from a spirit of flesh:

1. Self-centeredness

2. Worry

3. Anxiety

4. Depression

5. Unkindness

6. Irritability

7. Sowing discord/division

8. Unwise thinking and speaking

9. Emotionally and mentally out of control (I actually wonder if I'm insane..still not sure LOL)

the list goes on...

This is how I have been over the past few days. I have NOT been loving God. I have been loving ME....AGAIN. I have had to go back and read my previous "Living the Call" posts many times...feeling like a hypocrite and quite convicted of my behavior. (Talk about holding yourself accountable.) I have sought counsel with some who are close to my heart and told them that it seems like the enemy props up a chair beside my bed at night (I have been suffering from insomnia, anxiety, cramps, nausea... and more while trying to sleep). It seems that as I start drifting off, this "enemy" starts attacking my physical body. Once I am "partially" conscious...it's as if this "enemy" starts attacking my mind, whispering in my ear...deceiving me to self-defeating thoughts that spin out of control...and cause me to doubt my faith and relationships with those I love. I begin worrying about life and digging up things from the past once forgiven...then I "un" forgive. I begin letting my emotions have control over my mind and things just go downhill from there. The deception grows. The more I listen to the lies...the more I believe them. They get nastier and I get nastier with each sleepless night filled with anxiety and despair...and I start hating life. Everything seems meaningless...a chasing after the wind. This really is true about life. It is meaningless...apart from God.

Here are the fruits that come from the Spirit of God:

1. Love

2. Joy

3. Peace

4. Long suffering (or patience)

5. Kindness

6. Goodness

7. Faithfulness

8. Gentleness

9. Self-control

These are not the fruits I have bore over the last few days. But, a precious sister in the faith spoke words of life to me last night and prayed with me. I had trouble falling asleep again (even after taking a muscle relaxer)...but I took heed to her words and did not allow my thoughts to be held captive by this "unseen enemy". Instead I held my thoughts captive to Christ. I wonder now if indeed there was an "enemy" of my soul sitting at my bedside because when I held my thoughts captive to Christ, rebuking any evil thought...it was if the "whisperer" fled. I fell fast asleep and did not wake again until morning. My heart, that had been racing (as it does most nights) settled down and I experienced the bliss of a good night's sleep. I awoke this morning singing a different tune (Heaven on Earth to be specific) as I determined to spend quality time with God...and I have been at it for hours! I can't possibly write everything He has spoken to me! Much of it was His kindness leading me to repentance. His faithfulness truly does satisfy. But my cup is not just filled..it is overflowing!

Funny, He started things this morning by encouraging me as I was preparing to have coffee. He filled me up from my coffee cup (I know...cheese). My cup reads, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles...." The remainder of that (not on my coffee cup) would be, "they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31-32. Some versions read, those who "hope" in the Lord.

I will not grow weary of the "wrongs" I experience in life. I will not grow faint as I run this race..as long as my hope is in God. Not ME. Not people. (Gosh how many times do I have to tell myself this before I actually start LIVING like this!!!) I can't seem to stop placing faith in people...even after seeing this I will only be let down time after time. I even think I can do things myself...without God's guidance...only to let myself down. I can't even minister to others without growing weary apart from Him or I will grow weary in doing good. Apart from God, the work will deplete me of strength. I will give up and walk away before God's work is done...leaving a mess for God to hand over to another for clean up..the "other" whose hope is in the Lord. Apart from Him I rob myself of a huge blessing and He hands it to another. I MUST NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! I have to continually remind myself that APART FROM THE VINE THE BRANCH WITHERS AND DIES. Placing hope and faith in people not only puts expectations on them that they cannot possibly live up to...but it's putting them above God. This is idol worship. I confess...I am guilty...but praise God, He has opened my eyes and revealed the Truth. His light has overcome the darkness yet again!

I cannot start my days without Him. Problem is, when I start my days in the Word...I can't seem to want to stop...which is why I have a hard time starting out that way. But, maybe, for this season in life...I need to be spending the majority of my time there until I am finally strong enough to walk away from the Word but still Walk IN it.

Love God