Sunday, September 14, 2008

Transparency and Magic Tape

I used to believe in transparency. Now, I live in fear of it. I have always been an open and trusting person. Now, I struggle to remain that way. I feel myself falling from grace as a result. The thoughts in my head are rarely pleasant anymore. The once optomistic, happy go lucky, spirit-filled me is fading and an empty shell is all that is left. I pray that this season will soon be over. I pray diligently for God to move. I wait and hope with what little faith remains.

The tape in my head (the parts I'm willing to reveal) is a recording of church members, friends, family...loved ones....LOVED ones. Over and over, as I battle with scripture and the positive things I can get out, over and over, as I praise God and worship and continue to try to live an obedient life in spite of all that is happening to me, I battle thoughts, memories, and work to bind wounds that continue to be injured. I have never been so broken in my life. I suppose I can praise God for this too.

Day after day I am being pummelled with continuous rejection that only gets worse as I slip deeper into despair. Who would want to be around me now? I know I don't want to be. But as I have said to others recently, I don't want to be around myself. I keep trying to get away from me, but everywhere I go...I AM THERE!

This year has been especially difficult for me...I don

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