Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sorting out the Chaos

I've had some good talks with my friend, Jeanie, here in Atlanta. Sometimes we just talk about stuff and sometimes we talk about my struggles. The good thing about Jeanie is that she doesn't force me to talk about the issue when she thinks I should. She just invites me to have tea on the dock by the lake (which is her back yard...literally). We watch the ducks and turtles and just chat about life in general. Then as it comes up, I start to work through some things...try to dig deeper and discover solutions. We talk about faith and the struggles that come there. During our talks, she is always very careful to reassure me that I am quite normal and my reaction to these circumstances are quite normal. She has helped me to see that I am not being irrational about some things. I thought I was misinterpreting circumstances or making them out to be worse than they are. But, she told me that given the same circumstances, she would have reacted the same way. I think that's what has drawn me to Jeanie. She has a way of making me feel like a respectable human being no matter how messed up I might think I am.

Jeanie has given me some great books to read (to add to my pile of about 20 that I'm reading already). She is so gentle in spirit...calm...soft spoken...and understanding. I wish I could be more like that.

I realize that I am in transition. Transition is hard. There so much unknown and it has all happened so fast. I have enjoyed several years of stability. I have had a home, a framily, and a best friend. We had routines, connections, struggles, blessings....and no matter what came at us...our framily stood through it. My best friendship was solid. Now, all of that stability is being threatened as my son leaves to the Navy Special Forces in a couple weeks. I will be mothering one now. Next May, I will graduate and very likely move to a new location. I am losing my framily...and my home...and other things that are too personal to mention.

I have been hit with many things that I don't want to go into, but all in all I feel like the world that God blessed my family with has been shaken up and is beginning to look more like a pile of rubble. The idea of rebuilding yet again is overwhelming. It took so long and so much work to get this far. Now I find that I need God to restore beauty to these ashes...but I can't seem to get to the place of resting in Him and waiting with Him. My heart has been so broken in the process of all of this. So, my goal is to get to a place of acceptance. I can't change what is so I have to find a way to deal with it or let it kill me. That is what I am trying to do.

The weight is still heavy and I still can't shake the feeling of emptiness and darkness. I read this morning that faith is what keeps us sane and at peace. I have lost my faith...and in the process...I feel as if I am losing my mind and there is no presence of peace. So, I think the first and most important step I need to take is to find my faith again.

For now, I am not making a plan for my future as I am tempted to do. The Holy Spirit is hovering over this darkness, void, emptiness, chaos....just as He did before the world began. He is at peace, waiting for the right moment to create beauty from it all. I need to find my resting place where I can wait in peace with Him. That is what I need to focus on before I can do anything with the rest of this mess. It will truly take a miracle.

That is where I need to be prayed for the most at this time. I truly believe that once I get to this place...everything else will fall in place after that. I have a long way to go. Your prayers will carry me. I think that the prayers of the saints have brought me to this place and they will help me to find hope again.

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