The Women of Faith Conference was excellent as usual. I was sick with a VERY sore throat and some sinus trouble because I caught a cold just before heading to Nashville. My illness kind of put a damper on things because with a sore throat it is difficult for me to get into praise and worship because I can't really sing. (Not that I can sing without a cold! LOL) I'm still worshipping, only silently, but it's restrained when I can't sing, and I don't like it. I wasn't much for fellowshipping either since I didn't feel physically well and went to bed as soon as possible on Friday night. I am also going through a COB and struggling a bit emotionally and spiritually, but I am praising God for the work He is obviously doing in me, even though the rebellious spirit in me is fighting Him every step of the way!
All of the messages from the conferences were great, I have brought home more knowledge of Him than I had before I left. Each of the speakers always has some new and interesting insight to share, and much of this weekend was very convicting to me. Convicting and reassuring. Even Hopeful.
Now I am going to share about the message that God used to really convict me. It was during one of the drama presentations by the very gifted and talented, God-anointed Nicole Johnson.
Mark 3
1Another time he went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. 2Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath. 3Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, "Stand up in front of everyone."
4Then Jesus asked them, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they remained silent.
5He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. 6Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.
The above verses from Mark were read by the narrator. Then, piece by piece, Johnson explored each verse separately, as if a lawyer or something.
"...a man with a shriveled hand was there." Johnson pointed out that we don't know why the man's hand was shriveled, or withered as stated in some translations. It may have been from an injury, or maybe he was born with a withered hand. Scripture does not identify the reason the hand was withered.
As she continued on through the verses, she would portray the different "characters" in the scene. Sometimes she was the man with the shriveled hand, other times she represented the Pharisees, and other times she portrayed Jesus. Other times she was just offering "thoughts" on the scene being played out before us. She is so anointed. So anointed.
"Some were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus..." Johnson went so far as to wonder if the man with the withered hand had been "pushed" to the front of the crowd by some of those looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, enticing Him to perform work on the Sabbath. She offered up some other scenarios that could have been played out, but regardless, Jesus commanded the man with the withered hand to "Stand up in front of everyone".
This man most likely hid his deformity. He probably kept that hand tight up against his body so no one could see. Johnson portrayed this by holding her right hand high up against her chest, and cowering slightly.
Jesus then questioned the Pharisees and asked if it were lawful to do good on the Sabbath? This is the first part that really struck a chord in me. Johnson, as does scripture, compares the withered hand of that one man, to the hearts of those accusing him. Jesus saw the withered hand of that man just as everyone else did, but He also saw something more...He saw the withered hearts of the men who were questioning Him. He was angered and distressed by their stubborn hearts.
When Jesus looked around and became distressed by the withered hearts of those men, he commanded the man with the withered hand to "Stretch out your hand". This part really got me good. Johnson portrayed the man with the withered hand responding to Jesus' command. At first, he was shy and refused. It was explained that this deformity shamed him. It is something that he'd prefer to keep hidden. Now his hand had become the center of attention and this was a very uncomfortable situation for the man to be in. We don't have a problem showing off all our good attributes, but when it comes to the parts of us that aren't so nice, we have a tendency to hide them. The man relented, and eventually stretched out his hand. The hand was completely restored. Jesus never touched the man, at least scripture doesn't record that He did, so they couldn't get him on anything.
In comparison, the hearts of those few men accusing Jesus, were withered and rebellious. They refused to stretch out their hearts and open them up for healing, and instead, they plotted out how to kill Jesus. Johnson became a Pharisee and loudly proclaimed that Jesus was wrong! She screamed at Jesus as I'm sure some of those of the Law in His day did. They knew better than Jesus did! They couldn't believe. Their faith was too little. It was almost frightening to listen to her, but then I heard something. As she screamed "Jesus can't do that!" God Himself spoke directly to me at that moment. Through those unbelieving cries of the Pharisees, I heard me! I heard me in those cries! Some of the insults she was hurling out sounded like some of the things I have said in my unbelief. In my small faith.
It hit me at that very moment that my heart has become withered.
It hit me at that very same moment that Jesus is distressed by the state of my heart.
Through this little drama God said to me, "stretch out your hand"...my heart...to receive healing, and I realized that all along I have been denying that anything is wrong. I am that man with the withered hand, afraid to let the bad parts of me show. I am ashamed and embarrassed to let them show. I am too prideful to let them show. It seems so much easier to just hide the deformity, I don't want to stand up in front of everyone. They might see!
Jesus sees. He sees and then says "stretch out your heart."
I'm trying to stretch it out, so that He might heal the withering parts of my heart.
I have realized through the convictions of this weekend, and through a great heart to heart talk with Katie on the way home, that I have lost sight of my First Love. She said to me "Sue, you have got to focus on your First Love. He is the only One that can help you. I can't help you. I can't. You have got to get your focus back."
My heart is withered because I hang on to worry. I hang onto a hope that I see for myself, and not a Hope that I know exists in God. I am walking around frightened of being abandoned and trying to do things of my own power to manipulate my life. Try as I might, God's Will is always accomplished, so any detours I make will not be very constructive. In fact, they will most likely lead to misery. I am constantly cynical about the way God is working in my life. I just don't see how it will work out. I have been so burdened with guilt, worry, and fear that it has almost paralyzed me. I feel so spiritually weak and vulnerable right now.
I cried many tears of brokenness this weekend, and tears that come from fear. The theme of this weekend was irrepressible Hope, and God knew it was exactly what I needed. I am on a whopping rollercoaster of a spiritual ride right now, but Katie keeps reminding me that I need to look to the other side because that is where the hope is. It will take some grieving, some mourning, some fear and difficult trials to get there, but then I will see the blessings that God has waiting for me once I arrive. I do have hope. A glimmer. There are dark moments where it all seems bleak, but I do have Hope and that is what I am struggling to cling to.
Father, help me to trust in You, in You alone. Forgive my lack of faith and my fear. I wish to stretch out my heart before you so that you might heal me. I pray God that you help me to accept Your healing, Your cleansing, and Your faithful Love. Father, I want to be free from the worries of this life. I want to revel in Your boundless Joy, and I know that "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Ps 30:5 Thank you Father for the gifts you have given me in Katie and the kids, and let me lift them up to You. They are Yours and for a time you entrusted them to my care. You equipped me for Your purpose in their lives, and now I need to put You first. Equip me God for this transition phase, as you move me to a new experience with You. I do not understand all of what You are doing in my life right now, but my Hope is in You. You are my Irrepressible Hope.
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