You Took Offense

Author:  Susan L. Prince

Today I heard a bit of insight on the radio, and it was one of those things that I caught mid-message and I have no idea who was the man responsible for the message. I don't even know what station I heard it on since I listen mostly to WSCAN. LOL Anyway, when he said it I immediately grabbed my pen and wrote it in my journal so I wouldn't forget it!

This is the thing he said that I found interesting:

Taking offense at something someone says or does when they did not intend to offend you, is your sin.

I only listened to about 3 minutes of this message that may have been 30 minutes long, but that was all I needed to hear of it today I guess. The snippet that I heard may have only been a side-note of a message on a completely different subject, so my "commentary" on it may not have a thing to do with the message in it's entirety.

The holiday Christmas season is a good example. I bet if I had left this sentence to say "holiday season" some Christian somewhere would have a fit. In fact, leaving it say "Christmas season" may offend someone else. Guess what, not my problem. I'm not meaning to offend a Christian if I wish someone "happy holidays" and I'm not meaning to offend anyone by saying "Merry Christmas". If someone is offended by my choice of words when I had no intention of using them to hurt, then I am guilty of nothing. 

The same is true in reverse. If someone says or does something that I find offensive, but they never intended to hurt or offend me, it is my problem. I think some Christians can be too complacent at times and not be offended by things they should, but this guy made a good point about Christians sometimes being overly sensitive.

Ever been slighted? Did the gang at work organize a spontaneous get-together at a local coffee shop and fail to mention it to you. You may have been on break or something and missed the word going around, but no one meant to exclude you. The next day, when you found out about it, you were bothered and upset that you weren't invited. You took offense.

Many Christians like myself work in a secular world. We have co-workers who pepper their language with terms no Christian should, or live a lifestyle that is very worldly. Should I cringe every time certain words are spoken in conversation when that person is simply sharing a story and using their own vocabulary? They are simply telling me a story about something that happened in their life, they haven't set out to intentionally offend me by what they say or how they say it. They have done nothing wrong. If I am offended, it's all on me. I took offense.

Offend means "To cause displeasure, anger, resentment, or wounded feelings in." (The Free Dictionary) or "a. to cause difficulty, discomfort, or injury b. to cause dislike, anger, or vexation"(Merriam-Webster)

Notice in each definition the part that says "to cause"? That means intent. If there was no intent "to cause", then you shan't be offended! If you are, it is only because you took it! You took offense!

This isn't to say that some behavior isn't offensive, it can be, but this little statement of wisdom that I heard today has caused me to consider what actually causes the "displeasure, anger, resentment, wounded feelings, difficulty, discomfort, injury, dislike, or vexation" in me. Is what caused it valid? Or am I allowing my arrogance, pride, and haughtiness, to cloud reason? If I am, then I am taking offense.

Taking offense is like stealing something that isn't mine. Taking offense is sin.

What Does Christmas Feel Like?

Author: Susan L. Prince


I was talking with a friend the other day and I observed that it didn't feel like Christmas to me.  She asked, "What does Christmas feel like?"

I answered, "I don't know...it just feels happier, people are nicer, families gather together, there are great meals...," decorations and commemorations, and people think about Jesus.  I said that I can remember as a kid how exciting Christmas was, that I couldn't wait for it to come, and that now, the appeal is just gone.

Then, last night as my friend and I sat around watching George C. Scott portray Ebenezer Scrooge, I was struck by the thought that it felt like Christmas. All I was doing was sitting around wrapped up in a blanket, watching a Christmas movie with a friend.  Her home is decorated with greenery and lights, ceramic, snow-covered villages and many scented candles glowing, and I was sitting there observing all of it.

She had just finished making a tasty dinner for me, poured sparkling cider into my glass, made sure I was comfortable and warm, and that her home was inviting and seasonally appealing while being entertained by a classic holiday film.  It felt like Christmas.

It felt like Christmas because of the the holiday decorations, the sights and sounds, but most of all because I was spending time with a friend.  This special friend had just spent a part of her day making me feel comfortable and happy by serving me.  It was her good pleasure.

When I think about Christmases past and why they were so anticipated, (obviously as a child, getting presents is the big appeal), but as one grows older, it's the family time and the meal we all share that starts to be the important part.  I think about my Gram making that turkey gravy, and Grandpa challenging me to eat all those mashed potatoes.  I think about Grandma's laughter and seeing to it that everybody is happy, and then taking pictures of us that leave off our heads, feet or the people on either side.  I miss those people.  I miss those times.  They can never be again, because those people are no longer here. I live so far from home and miss my family.

Spending that time with my friend yesterday made me realize that it is the people I miss.  It's the people in my life who have served me and have seen to it that I am happy. My joy has been one of their greatest concerns. You know what?  I am so blessed that even though the people that I miss are gone from my life on this earth, He has seen to it that I've never been without people in my life who love me and want to see me happy, and show me this through serving me.  They are pleased to give of themselves to me, their time, attention, resources, talents and gifts.

At Christmastime I'm remembering how God leads us to do this for each other.  He first did this by giving us life, then He gave us His Son, and His Son gave us salvation.  We should rejoice that our names are written in heaven. It has been His good pleasure to serve us!  That bloggles the mind!

What does Christmas feel like?  It feels like I'm loved.

Knot, Knot, Knot on Wood

Author: Susan L. Prince

The past few days I have spent on my knees.  No, not in prayer, although I was very mindful of God during this little project, especially when I noticed the knots in the wood of the deck I was applying water sealer to.

I walk around on the deck feeling the smooth wood beneath my bare feet, spend time at the table reading newspapers, drinking coffee and doing Bible study, often by candlelight and the light given off from the flame of the tiki lamps.  I've had the deck for two years now and it is one of the best investments I have ever made.

One of my really favorite things to do is lie on the wood once it is heated by the sun.  I love it!  I don't know why, it is just something I enjoy doing.

One night I even decided to sleep on it and I did!  Katie did, too, for part of the night, even though she made for herself a contraption of netting to protect herself from bugs and whatnot.   I braved the elements, just me and my bag and "woo pillow".

I've really learned to enjoy my deck and want to protect it so it will last as long as possible.  I applied water sealer to it shortly after it was built and figured it was time for another application.  This time I was more meticulous about the process and noticed something that fascinated me.

I saw the knots.  

The first time I sealed the deck I used a pressure sprayer, so I stood above the wood, spraying it with sealant.  Today, I used a brush and applied the sealant by hand, therefore it required me to be on my knees, brushing over every single surface of the deck.  Because I was so much closer and literally going over every inch of the wood, I really took notice of the knots.

Knots are the bases of branches that died, broke off, and then were covered over as the tree grew.  Knots are considered imperfections, because in the timber world, they reduce the strength of the wood.  They often appear darker in color, and I think, add character to a piece of wood.  Today they added immensely to my day out in the sun, working on the deck.

I noticed the detail of the grain of the wood.  With my brush, I would follow the grain, then come upon a knot.  The grain of the wood where the knot was, changes.  The grain takes a turn around the knot and sometimes the grain changes direction a whole 90 degrees.

I started thinking about the fact that those were once branches on a healthy, living and growing tree.  I looked at the different planks of wood that were placed together to form the floor of the deck and saw that each plank had varying wood grain and texture from the next.  The knots were all in different places, too.

Reminded of John 15:2, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful," I looked at a knot and studied it.  I considered for a moment that it was a scar in the tree that was now a plank of wood on my deck.  The branch that had been growing there was weak, or for whatever reason, it fell off, and the tree continued to grow, "swallowing" up that hole that was left, filled it with resin, and went on with life, growing stronger and stronger as time went on, producing whatever fruit is was designed to produce.  The branch that had been a hindrance to that tree producing good fruit was cut off. 

There are knots in my life.  The areas of my life that have been weak, or ways of thinking that were destructive, have been pruned away by God.  He is able to reveal to me through my prayer life, fellow believers, His Word and circumstances, where these hindrances and things that produce rotten fruit are. He cuts them off, so I can continue to grow in Him and therefore produce good fruit. 

I was also thinking about how these "knots", or scars, remain in me, although often hidden from view.  I am grateful for those "knots" so I can remember not to go that way again, producing rotten fruit.  

I am glad I have knots, and like the knots in the wood I was examining today as I brushed over it, I was able to see the beauty in the imperfections.  Every piece of wood is astonishingly beautiful in its own way, and the knots make it that much more appealing to me.  I was able to see the strength in the weakness.  Something else occurred to me as I pondered; that my brothers and sisters in the Lord all have knots.  

Just like the wood grain and texture was different in each plank of wood, we are all different.  We grow spiritually at different paces, we are pruned for various things and our knots form, but He continues growing us to produce good fruit.  When we are put together, like the planks of wood on my deck, we are a beautiful piece of work that the world can see as His Church, and behold as the glory of the Lord. Knots and all! 

December 7 - Happy Adoption Day!

Author: Susan L. Prince

Reposted from a few years ago, but it accurately captures the excitement this day brings me every year!

December 7th is probably just another day to you. NOT TO ME! December 7 is special to me because it is my anniversary! Way back in 1966 God chose to bless me on December 7th. He had it all planned out before the world began, but as far as my existence...this day in 1966 is a milestone. December 7, 1966 I was adopted!

I was only four months old so I don't remember much, actually, I remember nothing of the events of that day, but I mark it as special anyway. I know that it was the day I got a family! A wonderful mom and dad. I love them so much. I have tears as I blog knowing that as much as they are special to me, they have NEVER let me forget how special I am to them.

My parents are so awesome. I go to them when I need anything...encouragement, opinions, even if I need help financially I know that I can count on my parents. If I had a need right now and called them and asked them to come, they would be on the next flight out of Cleveland. I can always count on my mom and dad to be there for me. They have never failed to show me love.

Growing up I took my parents for granted, not intentionally, but I thought all parents were like mine. They were there at every band concert and softball game, awards banquets and every kid milestone. They were always there when I needed help with my homework. They took care of all my needs. I always had clothes to wear, (even though I think mom sometimes had to drag me to clothes shop!), and food to eat. I had the extra-added benefit of having Gram come live with us when my grandad died too. She baked the most awesome chocolate-chip cookies (that I have not ever been able to duplicate), and beaten biscuits...I miss the beaten biscuits! I never meant to take for granted the love my parents showed me...so here for all the WWW to see...Thanks Mom and Dad for loving me!

I remember helping dad every spring put the mower deck on the tractor so I could mow the yard and in the fall it was time to put the snow blower back on and chains on the tires. I remember mom helping to coach my softball team one year and always being my taxi getting me to and from all my practices and rehearsals. I remember Gram supporting me in my endeavors on the softball field and in the band as well. I have so many awesome childhood memories and most of them because of my parents loving me so much!

When I was adopted, I gained parents, but later on I gained two younger sisters. We had a good life growing up together. I remember bickering as siblings do but we love each other and are there for one another when needed. I am so blessed!!! WHY DID GOD GIVE ME SO MUCH?!!!

Ohhhhhhhh, the mail just came in! Snail mail that is and LOOK! I have a card from Mom and Dad! YAY! It's a Veggietales card...Bob and Larry on the front! I'm so excited! Wooohooooooo!!! It says "God made you special and He loves you very much." and now I'm gonna open it! Inside it says "What better reason to have a happy birthday?" But Mom scratched out birthday and wrote "ADOPTION DAY!". Then the best part is what she wrote after that: "We love you more than you love Veggie Tales. Love, Mom and Dad." AND I LOVE THEM MORE THAN I LOVE VEGGIE TALES! (and I LOVE Veggie Tales!)

God did make me special and every day of my life my parents have reminded me of that. As a kid they would tell me I was special and that being adopted was special. As an adult, they still tell me I am special. I know I am special in God's eyes because of the parents He gave me. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I feel special today!

December 7...today is a day I will celebrate!

How Hiking is Like Walking With the Spirit

Author:  Susan L. Prince

Recently I vacationed in the Smokies with friends who invited me to come with them.  I was blessed beyond measure in so many ways during that vacation, but one particular thing struck me while hiking the Abram's Falls trail in The Great Smoky Mountains, and the thought I had is what developed into this post.

I was walking the trail and now and then would be tripped up by rogue rhododendron roots or rocks jutting up out of the dirt of the trail.  It was rough terrain in some places and I started thinking about how amazing it is that God so made our brains that when I stumble, my brain sends messages to my entire body; arms, legs, ears, eyes, so that it will correct itself in order that I don't completely fall over and get hurt.  My equilibrium is kept by fluids in my inner ear and when thrown off kilter, my arms flail, but only to gain balance as my feet readjust and find footing again.  It bloggles the mind when you think of all the physiological processes that must take place whenever we trip, in order for the human body to react and correct itself.

Then I started considering something else.  I started realizing that as my eyes observed the trail I would make a mental note of where certain obstacles were; rocks in the way, troublesome roots sticking up, sticks obstructing the path, and then I noticed how often my body automatically maneuvered itself to avoid tripping to begin with.  I was able to keep my pace, see an obstacle and duck, or swerve to the side, possibly lift one foot higher off the ground to avoid a rock, or simply lengthen or shorten my stride momentarily to miss a slippery spot on the trail.  My eyes would see the obstacle and immediately my brain sent all the right signals and the appropriate body movements took place to avoid even a stumble.  I didn't have to see the obstacle and conscientiously react; watch my leg, think about lifting it higher so that my foot would avoid the obstacle, no, I simply saw it and my body did what it had to do to avoid danger.  It really happened so quickly that I didn't think about it, I just kept right on walking.

Then it occurred to me that this is something similar to what it is like to walk in the Spirit.

For the believer, the Holy Spirit's purpose is to "guide you into all truth." (John 16:13)  The Spirit "will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." (John 14:26)  The Holy Spirit's guidance is of utmost importance as we read God's Word and learn the Truth from it, and equally as important is when we yield to the Spirit; He helps us apply the Truth we learn to the life we live.  This is a mystical process and in I Corinthians 2, we are told why, "we speak of God’s secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory....The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God."  To those who have not the Spirit of God in them, this is all foolishness, but to those of us to whom the Truth has been revealed, we are guided through life by God Himself.

As we walk through life in the power of the Holy Spirit, we can apply the truth we've learned through God's Word to life, so as troubles arise, we are able to adjust accordingly and overcome the obstacle.  Sometimes we are able to see trouble on the path ahead because the Holy Spirit nudges us to pay attention and see the danger, and then we can completely avoid the problem by staying on course and not veering to the left or the right.  For the most part, walking in the Spirit is that automatic adjustment that happens as we go about our day to day lives, avoiding pitfalls and choices that take us away from the path we are following.  Following the Holy Spirit is not always something we consciously do, but it is putting into practice the precepts we have learned as we walk with God day after day.

Sometimes, like on the trails of The Smokies, the road is bumpy and we get tripped up. The pitfalls and bad choices are always because we choose to believe the lie; the lie that more money will make us happy so we choose this job over that, the lie that alcohol will take away emotional pain, the lie that you need to be married to be happy, the lie that success in your career will be what makes you happy, etc. We may have ignored the warning signals from the Holy Spirit; mystical unctions or maybe warnings fellow believers pointed out, and fell flat on our face because we sought things that would bring only temporary happiness. We may have chosen to fill the emptiness in our lives with something other than God. We may have chosen the way of sin, and then found ourselves suffering terrible consequences.  Eventually, the Holy Spirit will convict us.  The Holy Spirit will woo us back onto the path of the righteousness, and we can readjust our lives again and live according to the Truth.  This often requires a much more conscientious choice to be obedient to the Holy Spirit and get back on the path that He is guiding us to.

While walking those trails in the woods, at some point, I became conscientiously aware of the fact that with every step I took, I was making adjustments in my stride.  Some of the adjustments were hardly noticeable, and others required a lot of maneuvering, but I was always able to stay on course.  I was picturing how the Holy Spirit works in my life when I allow myself to be guided by Him and for the most part, the adjustments I make are daily, but minute and hardly noticeable. Now and then, an obstacle is thrown into my path and because I am a student of the Word, the Holy Spirit reminds me of that truth and then I deal with the issue, adjust my walk and continue moving forward.  Sometimes the problem causes a detour in my life and I stray from the path, but because the Spirit of the Living God resides in me, He is always calling me back to the path that leads straight to God.

Walking in the Spirit is like walking a hiking trail, we need to be attentive at all times and constantly adjust our stride to make sure we always remain on the correct path, because the pay off at the end is much too important to miss!

Hurting People

Author: Katie

Today, as I was driving to work with my heart still missing my Bestie (who recently passed away very unexpectedly) so much, I started thinking about the people in the cars around me, and watching the people in the streets of Downtown Birmingham. I wondered who's heart was hurting, who had a loved one in the hospital dying, a rebellious teenager, depression, serious financial problems, whatever...

I thought about myself in my car going to work like everyone else...with such an ache in my heart and a feeling of desperation just to talk to my Bestie one more time. Nobody around me knew the pain in my heart. Nobody was aware that the person who just stopped at the red light had just lost her best friend. Then I got to thinking...

I don't know about them either. I don't know the people driving all around me. I don't know if they are on the mountain tops or deep in the dark valleys.

We go through life in a bubble. God wants us to be outwardly focused. I find that my heart doesn't hurt so much and I am not quite so miserable when I put others first. I am miserable when I put me first...so why do I seem to have this constant tendency to do that? I realize that I am in the same boat as everyone else...suffering the same heartbreaks and rejoicing over the same victories. They need to be loved just as much as I do. They want somebody to talk to just like me. And just like me, they long to fit somewhere, to be understood.

What is really amazing is that it helped me understand more about how Jesus came to earth to be like me. As a man, he suffered heartbreaks just like I do. He had celebrations and experienced the same victories as the rest of us. He experienced times of loneliness, abandonment, feeling unloved, rejected, out of place, and abused. He understands my heart because He is not in a bubble. He is with me, feeling my pain with me, rejoicing in my victories with me...always loving me...always there...even when it seems like everyone else is oblivious.

Why is it so hard to realize that He is the One I need most. When I realize that He is enough....He is. It is only then that I can step out of myself and be Jesus to others around me who are trying to find their way to Him.

Thinking About My Youth

Author:  Susan L. Prince 

I was sitting in front of my computer tonight and something struck me "funny".  As a kid, I was so into music, mostly the music of the day, although as I was so into band I became a lover of all types of music.  I would sit downstairs where my stereo was and play album after album and listen non-stop to music.  I had my favorite radio stations and knew every song on the radio.  I could scan stations and name each song I heard a snippet of; title, artist, album and year.  I kept that skill for many years until it began to die off when my interest in pop music began to wane in the late eighties. 

The table downstairs was the old kitchen table.  I placed my turntable in the center against the wall, and speakers to either side.  The table was then decorated creatively with my beer can collection.  I would display my collection on that table and all over the speakers, stacking them into shining towers of my most prized beer cans, the rare imported ones.  I had some good ones, too!  Often, those cans would come crashing down because the vibration from the music would rattle them out of place.  A few times I think I awakened my parents in the middle of the night when those cans all came tumbling down.  Oops.  My bad!  LOL

I would doodle a lot when I sat there at the table listening to music.  I would write poems, draw pictures, jot down the name of my crush just to see what it looked like next to mine, compose letters, and just fill up a page with doodles.  That's all they were, doodles.

What struck me tonight was that I do the same thing today.  Wow.  It's thirty years later and I sit in front of my computer, which doubles as my stereo.  Two speakers stare at me and I sit and instead of doodling, I surf the web.  I do the same kind of thing.  I don't write poetry, but I could; "Roses are red, violets are blue, you think this will rhyme, but it won't."  I don't draw pictures and doodle much anymore, instead I post to my blog or update my Twitter feed or Facebook status. 

I had such an awesome kidhood.  :)

It just kind of struck me funny tonight that I'm doing exactly the same thing today that I did in the late 70s and early 80s. It bloggles the mind!

"Coming Out" on Jennifer Knapp's Coming Out

Author:  Susan L. Prince

This is a tough one for me.  You see, I LOVE Jennifer Knapp's music.  I basically held vigil for her return after her spontaneous withdrawal from all things music in 2001.  And yes, I heard all the rumors and chose not to believe them.  I would at least give her the benefit of the doubt. Rumors are often wrong about what they say, and they are always wrong to spread or participate in.

Upon her return to music, I was ecstatic to catch her live show in Nashville at The Belcourt Theater last November, 2009.  I saw her again in the Spring at TPAC in downtown Nashville.  Then, in the April 13th, 2010 edition of Christianity Today, she shared her "secret" with the world and announced her homosexuality.

What are my thoughts?   Ache.  Disappointment.  Sadness. Confusion.  I had many questions:  Should I listen to her music?  How can I listen to her music?  Is my buying her music condoning sinful behavior?  Am I sinning while listening to it?  How can a person who has written some of the most passionate music ever written about God's mercy and love, turn her back on His Word?  Does she pray her own prayers, by that I mean her songs, which are humble prayers?  These and many other questions came to mind as I read about the struggles Knapp has endured, and the temptation she eventually gave herself over to.  Heartbreaking.

Stop. stop. stop this foolish pride of mine.
That dares to drag me far away from you.
When I try to do it my way I always lose.
I always lose your point of view.

I don't intend to debate this issue.  I have participated in conversations about this news, especially when it first broke.  I have read what both sides of the spectrum have to say about this, and now I'm going to just put out there some of my thoughts on this.

Lord, come with your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me

It is not sin for me to listen to Jennifer Knapp's music or to buy it.  However, when I hear a song, what does it make me think about?  It makes me grieve.  I think about her sin.  It does remind me to pray for her, but it is difficult for me to listen to her music and not wonder how it can be that she has written some of the most heartfelt prayers set to music, and then fall so far?  This is not condemnation, this is a serious question.  Did she really want to know Him?  Did she really want to be refined?

We are all susceptible to falling out of fellowship with the Lord which is why the Bible teaches us to "be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of lawless men and fall..." (2 Peter 3:17) and  "if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted" (Galatians 6:1).

I am sure she has run into her share of "christians" who have demonstrated an ungodly attitude toward her and have heaped condemnation on her, and not tried to restore her gently.  In fact, before her "news" broke, it was evident by some of what she shared at her live shows that she had encountered some "issues" with "church people".  This has not represented Christ well at all.  Knapp is a sister in Christ,  and as with any brother or sister, we should embrace her and love her, just as God loves us.  We can not condone her sin, but we can let her know she is loved and that we would so like to see her restored into a right relationship with the Lord.  You see, when somebody chooses sin, or to live their life in contradiction to the Word of God, they are choosing to serve a different master, they are choosing to serve themselves, or the world, and one can not serve two masters.  Either you serve God, or you serve the god of this world.  It is heartbreaking to observe sin running its course.

Often the argument is "but we all sin".  True, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, but the difference is repentance.  God can not forgive excuses. God can not forgive alibis. God can only forgive sin.  God will make one clean again, but, one must choose to turn from their sin.


In reading some of the interviews Knapp had with the media after the news broke, including some of what was said on the Larry King Live interview, it was noticeable that she was uncomfortable calling herself "Christian" and instead would say "woman of faith", or "I have faith".  She mentioned the difficulty she had and still has singing some of her old songs.  I wonder if it is because the Holy Spirit uses her own words and music to smite her and convict her?  She said she doesn't currently have a church home, and I can't help but question why?  If she had a church home maybe her church family would help restore her to the fellowship, and the reason she stays away from church is because she knows she has chosen sin over submission to God's Word, therefore a healthy functioning gospel church is the last thing she would want.

"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it."  (Matthew 7:13)

It is apparent to me that Knapp does not want to be some "poster child" for homosexuals and/or to promote a "christian homosexual" agenda, but unfortunately with her fame and notoriety, she is thrust into the spotlight by default and has inevitably become somewhat of a reluctant spokesperson.   I believe she is gifted by God and is a talented artist, but her art right now is being perverted. Also, satan is having a field day using this to "make it ok" for others trapped in the same sinful lifestyle.  What is sad as well, is that many in the Christian community have chosen to condemn, rather than try to restore, and this serves to hurt the cause of Christ.

You in the mirror. staring back at me. O' conscience let me be....to the pure, all things are pure. To those who defiled unbelieving: nothing is pure. Their minds, their conscience defiled. They profess to know God. But deceive him by deeds all the while.

God loves Jennifer Knapp.  He wants a thriving relationship with her.  She is confused and God is not the author of confusion.  Does she not see that she is defiled?  That she is professing to know God but deceives Him by her deeds?  In the interviews I've read/seen, she questions the interpretation of the Bible in places...and most of her songs are scripture!   Or, at least they used to be!  Does she not believe it now?  It is way too convenient to "interpret" the Bible to say what we want it to say so that we can have our way.  God hates sin, and He hates it whether or not we acknowledge a certain behavior is sin.  Sin is sin, and the wages of sin is death.  Choosing sin keeps us separated from the love of God.  It is an uncomfortable place to be which is why Knapp sang "Undo Me"!

Now, the trouble I have listening to Knapp's music right now is not because she has announced her homosexuality.  I am a huge Indigo Girls fan and they are both lesbians.  I am a Melissa Etheridge fan.   I love their music and I have no problem listening or supporting it, but they do not claim to live as Christians. The trouble I have listening to Knapp is that she claims to be a "woman of faith", and for years was billed as a christian singer/songwriter who represented Christ, and now she is out there announcing her sinful behavior and denying that it is sin.  It is the fact that she is unrepentant right now that makes it difficult for me to justify supporting her career.  The sin isn't so much the problem, it is the unrepentance.

Knapp has said that she understands that a person purchasing her music or attending a show does not mean they support her lifestyle, and that it only means they like her art.  I am somewhat comforted by this, because I am not about to trash my Jennifer Knapp collection.  It is still some of the best music and will always be, and someday I hope to be able to listen to it with new ears.  I have had to remove it from my mp3 player for the time being.  I have not yet listened to Letting Go, her new release, the new music I've waited so long for, although most of it I have heard from her website and from the demo CDs I got from her live shows I attended before she revealed her sin.  It breaks my heart because I waited and prayed for her, and her return to music, for 8 years.  I couldn't wait for new music from Knapp and when it happened I was absolutely ecstatic, but then I was blindsided.

If I give my Life if I lay it down can you turn this Life around, can I be made clean by this offering of my soul. Can I be made whole again?

God is faithful and just to forgive, but in order for Him to do that, we need to repent.  We need to turn from evil and turn to Him.  I believe that deep within Jennifer Knapp is heart that pines for God and that His Word is hidden in her heart.   I believe this because she has difficulty performing her "old" music.  I believe this because she has difficulty calling herself a "Christian".  I believe this because she avoids church.  I believe that the difficulty she has shows that there is a level of conviction in her, but still, she is willfully choosing her own pleasures over submission to God.    Debbie, a friend of mine, put it this way " As for Jennifer's faith, I think it is one that she has crafted to tolerate her sin, which is why she has such conviction otherwise."

I am praying for her to really cry out to God like she once was able to do and so eloquently shared through her music.  I pray that she will "Lay It Down", be broken, "Fall Down" and allow God to "Undo" her, "Refine" her and make her "Whole Again", because "His Grace is Sufficient".  With God all things are possible.

And when it happens, she really will be Letting Go. 

Only Humans Measure Time

Author:  Susan L. Prince

My dog never frets about time. He doesn't know what time the clock says when he wants dinner, he only knows that he is hungry. He also doesn't think, while his legs are crossed and he is dancing around the house, man! I think I can hold it for a few more minutes. They are due home in about ten. He only knows that he's gotta go! He never considers the passing of time.

I noticed something today when I was configuring my virus scan to scan while I am at church weekly. The program doesn't anticipate doing that scan. When the time comes, it just starts the scan. It's an inanimate object and never considers the passing of time. It never considers that there are only a few more seconds before it begins the scan, it just starts that scan in that very moment it was scheduled to.

A couple of weeks ago, some of us in this time zone, switched to Daylight Savings Time. My computer made the switch without batting a byte. Now, as a human, I made arrangements to adjust to the time. I mourned the loss of an hour of sleep and also anticipated the additional hours of daylight.

Every year millions of people anticipate the coming of a new year and often count down the last minute of the last hour on the last day of the year. We watch time. We measure time.

I am anal about time. I am constantly watching the time and planning in my head what time I will do what. Even on my days off work I am planning ahead. I think things like if we leave now, it will take about fifteen minutes to get there, about forty minutes to order and eat, fifteen minutes back and we'll be home for about one hour until it is time to leave for the movie at 1:15.

My friend Katie says this just brings me additional stress. I just say "no, being on time brings no stress at all, but being late does!" LOL

Anyway, I thought it interesting that the only thing on this planet that measures time are humans. Nature just goes about doing its thing as God planned, and animals just do their thing. Inanimate objects don't care either way. Humans break time into increments and are the only creatures that anticipate the arrival of time, and mourn the passing of it.

I don't believe God experiences time as humans do, although, I know Jesus did. God is everywhere, all at once. He is the beginning of time and He is the end of time.  He is infinite, but I do believe he conceived time and created it...although, I do ponder if time exists as we know it in heaven?

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven"

The third chapter of Ecclesiastes may suggest that time exists for those things "under heaven", and not necessarily in it. This is good news for me because I figure, if there is no measurement of time...then I will no longer have want for patience! Now, THAT would be heaven!

Many Friendships Would Not Have Survived

Author:  Susan L. Prince

I returned home tonight after spending a wonderful weekend with my friend Katie.  Katie is one of the most special people in my life and as we talked over these last two days, at one point I said "God is so good.  He has done an amazing work in our lives, because many friendships would not have survived all that we have gone through over the past few years."

I am not going to go into details about all that Katie and I have been through.  Some of it played out on this blog, but mostly over the past two years, posting was scarce because the both of us were going through a lot of difficulty, and some of that was in our relationship as friends.  Neither of us felt comfortable sharing the details of our struggles.  The details aren't important.  What is important is what God has done.

I've just really been pondering it this weekend since she and I talked about it and I am absolutely dumbfounded at the faithfulness of God.  Most people would not have endured the experiences and woundedness of our friendship, yet because we each sought Him, separately, He was faithful to each of us.  "He who began a good work in each of us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  (Phillipians 1: 6)

God did bring us together as friends all those years ago and used our friendship for His purposes.  Somewhere along the line we started to put more focus on our friendship, than on our individual relationships with Him.  God is a jealous God.  He did not like not being the center of attention!  He saw to it that we were fitted with new spiritual lenses.  He used other people to help us see, He used circumstances to help us see, and He used our prayer time to reveal truths. It was grueling at times, but worth it.

It has been a wild-roller coaster ride of emotion, but in the end, God revealed Himself as faithful.  Our friendship became strong again the day that I decided to put God on the throne, and not me.  Our friendship started to grow again when Katie decided to put God on the throne again.  

We now live in different states physically, but I am so grateful to God that He loves me so much that He helped guide me through to this point, that allows me to still enjoy such a special friendship with Katie.  I know this all sounds so cryptic to those readers who are not close to the situation, but suffice it to say that God's amazing grace has healed a fragile and broken relationship and is now restoring it.

I feel absolutely blessed that God has grown me through all of this and still chooses to trust me with the responsibility of relationship.  I have learned that I need to handle relationships with care and that whatever friendships God allows me throughout my lifetime, they should always point to Him. Yes, in some particular way, that relationship should help me to grow in Christ, "as iron sharpens iron".  I need to appreciate the friendships that I have, because obviously friendships are a sweet bonus in life, but they in no way compare to the love and importance I have in my relationship with Him.

God's faithfulness and love bloggles the mind!

Pictures of My Washington DC Trip

Author: Susan L. Prince

I visited Washington DC with my friend Ellen in June 2010 for about five days.  We had a great time and wore ourselves out trying to squeeze in as much of the city as we could.  There is so much to see and do there that it is impossible to do it all in one visit, or two, since this was my second time. 

We were leisurely about getting there and Ellen suggested we drive up The Blue Ridge Parkway, so from our overnight stay in Knoxville, we headed toward Asheville, NC, to catch the Parkway and drive north.  It was a beautiful drive over the Blue Ridge Mountains, but we soon realized that our detour added 5-6 hours to our trip, so we eventually made our way back to the highway and headed for DC.

We had a great view of The United States Capitol Building from our hotel room and it was exciting to be in DC.  We walked the streets and learned to ride The Metro.  That was quite a challenge to learn!  LOL 

On with the pictures...

A Box of Memories Helps Me Celebrate My Parent's 49 Years of Marriage

Author: Susan L. Prince

It is not a pleasant thing to come home from a wonderful vacation to open the front door and step into an inch of water standing on your beautiful hardwood floors.  You discover that the line to the ice maker on the freezer broke at floor level and had been leaking for, most likely, the majority of the week you were gone, saturating the floors of three rooms.  For the entire following week you've had to endure your home being dried out with giant, industrial dehumidifiers and blowers, the carpet being torn up, the hardwood floor buckling, and the most affected area of the linoleum floor being torn out down to the subfloor.  From under the house, Service Master has pumped out +350 gallons of water and the house is now being tested for mold.  Nope, not fun.

This has been my life for the last week.  My house is a wreck with stuff everywhere that had to come out of bedroom closets and storage spaces.  But, then, I happened upon an old box of memories.  Old pictures, old letters and other paraphenalia like game winning softballs signed by teammates.

In this box of memories I came across a farewell note from my Musicland manager in Ames, IA after I gave notice to leave for TN, and I find it interesting that Brad, my manager (now deceased) credits a "higher power" calling me to leave.  I found letters of recommendation after I left teaching at Keystone Local Schools, notes that my mom and dad sent me while I was on a Search weekend #80 in 1984  (Catholic retreat for youths), and a plethora of other notes and things that make me smile.  I call it all "Happy Notes" and it has been fun rummaging through it.

So many faces were brought to my mind as I came across various reminders of the people from my past; former colleagues, classmates, bosses, employees, students, roommates, customers and family members.  What a treasure!

 While each of the things in this box of memories has significance, a few special ones stand out.  I don't have the time or space to share them all, but probably the most special to me are the notes from my parents.

That Search #80 weekend concluded with a surprise of getting letters from loved ones.  In the lesson for that day we learned about how temporary this life is and that the only eternal thing is the love of God.  All else is "meaningless" and a "chasing after the wind".  We were told that the cards and letters we received, while meaningful things to us, they were written on paper that would deteriorate and that everything on this earth is temporary.  I don't know how it happened, but we were all encouraged to throw these letters into a pile in the middle of the floor.  Then everybody started stomping on the letters and destroying them, I guess hastening the destruction and showing that regardless of the emotions expressed in these letters and things, it is meaningless in comparison to the eternal and gracious love of our heavenly Father.

Being the "free spirit" I am, I chose to keep my letters.  I understood the point of the "lesson", but did not participate.  While others were destroying their letters from family members, parents, friends and whomever else, I chose to cling to mine.  These were precious things to me!  I refused to participate! And now, 26 years later I can pull them out of the box and cherish them.

I've often wondered if those who no longer have their letters have ever regretted destroying them?  I know that I'm glad I rebelled and kept mine.  :)  As I reread them today, I am simply reminded about how much I have always been loved, and that God gave me to the perfect parents.  Mom even points to that in my letter saying "I often wonder why the Lord gave you to us in the special way He did, but thank Him everyday for you."  

I think the most meaningful part of Mom's letter to me is when she said, "Sue, I not only love you, but I truly admire you as a person.  I don't know how many parents can say that to their children, but I can say it to you very easily."  Those words have stayed with me all these years, even when I haven't been digging through my box of memories. 

I read these with different eyes now, 26 years later, and with spiritual eyes, and I can see from them how God cared so much for me that He gave me parents that always pointed me to Him.  Mom tells me in my note, "remember that your best friend, Jesus, is there in good times and bad, to carry you if need be."
 
Dad shared that I know that, "Christ loves you and you know how good He has been to you.  I have seen you give this love to others and it really makes me feel good.  Please continue to live in Christ in the trying times ahead.  You know He will help you."

My dad also said that he was "very proud of the way [I] conduct [myself] and the way [I] live [my] life." 

How blessed am I?  VERY!  :)

This has reminded me about how God orchestrated my life and cared for me even when I had not yet given my heart to Him.  Not that I lived a life of debauchery, but I did not live for Him until I committed to Him in 1999.  All the while though, I have had loving parents praying for me and loving me.  They have been an example of Christ in my life and I am forever grateful God chose them to be my adoptive parents.

What better way to celebrate my parent's 49 years of marriage today than to be thankful that God put them in my life and raised me to know Him?

Acutely Aware of My Singleness...at Church?

Author: Susan L. Prince


To those of you who have followed the Sisters' Weblog since it's inception in 2002, you are well aware of the fact that my friend Katie and I shared a home.  In this house, she raised her two children and I was blessed to have been a part of that for almost ten years.  For those of you new to this blog, you may want to read more about my story from the homepage, Sisters in Christ. 

When we moved into this house in July 2001, her daughter was eight years old, and her son was 11.  (I think)  Needless to say, it was rarely a dull moment in this household for many years.  Good times and bad times came and went.  We called ourselves a framily, or friends + family.  The phrase has caught on and some in our church have been known to use the term of endearment when describing a very close knit church family and any gathering of good friends.  

For those many years, almost an entire decade, we attended Northbrook Church as a framily.  Eventually, the kids would be off sitting with the youth at another area of the church, but my friend Katie and I sat together as friends, worshiping God.  Third row, right side, the two chairs closest to the center aisle.  My seat was the second chair into the row, and Katie's was the chair on the aisle.  Katie is a demonstrative worshiper so she needed the extra space.  I miss that.

Times are different now.  The kids are off living their own lives.  Katie married a wonderful man and they are happily building a marriage in Alabama.

And, here I sit.  Alone in this house. 

For the most part I enjoy my aloneness.  Honestly, I did want it at times, but in my ignorance, I didn't realize the permanence of the situation, or what it would really feel like to live totally alone.  It takes some adjusting for sure.

I'm not posting this to complain about my current state of being, but rather just put it out there and say what I'm feeling as I work through this new time in my life. 

I've pinpointed the two times that I most feel most alone.  The first is anytime I come home after a long trip when I've been away for a few days.  I used to be greeted at the door to hugs and happy faces.  Now, nothing.  The second time I feel most alone is when I go to church.

This is not something I expected.  I never expected to be made aware of my singleness at church and feel so alone there. I want to reassure my church family, that I do NOT feel unloved.  I know I am loved.  I hope to explain this in a way that is easily understood, but, still, may only be understood by those who have walked in similar shoes.

All those years I sat next to my friend.  Now I sit next to no one.  Again, this is not a plea for people to come sit next to me.  Far from it.  You see, I have gone many places by myself.  I go to restaurants and eat by myself.  I go to the movies by myself.  I go to the park and sit by the lake by myself.  I have gone to concerts by myself.  I like doing things by myself.  Sure, I like to share experience with friends, but I really don't mind doing many things by myself.  That is just what single people do. I even did church by myself for a good year before I moved to TN.  I didn't feel alone then, though, like I do now at church.

I've been perplexed by this reality of wanting so bad to get to worship with my church family, and then when I am there, I become acutely aware that I am alone.  I become aware of my singleness.  I become aware of how different my life is today from ten years ago, five years ago, two years ago, and even from last year.  Everything is different and being at Northbrook just seems to highlight the difference.  This is not a bad thing, it is just what is.  

I still leave the aisle seat available when I seat myself.  I look around and see so many new faces, and miss the faces I no longer see.  Faces of the kids, Justin front and center almost every week sitting with his youth friends, and Tiff usually off on the other side of the church, or possibly in the back helping with the children or nursery.  I just miss them being here.  I miss Katie sitting to my left, worshiping, and the both of us taking notes on the message, usually to discuss it later in the day in more depth.

I do rejoice that the framily is all moving on with life and living for the Lord, albeit all separately, but at church I am reminded of what is no longer my existence.  Everything is so different and it is the one place that brings that into the light. 

I notice families.  And I notice the empty chair to my left.

I notice couples.  And I notice the empty chairs to my left and right.

I notice children scrambling to get to Kingdom Kids.  And I notice that I never have to move out of the way of a child on a mission.  (Of course, that may be due to other reasons!  They smell the fear in me!  LOL)


Again, this isn't a bad thing, it is just what is. 

And it is what God is bringing me through right now.  :)  I choose to put my hope in God.  I can feel Him working in me.

I Love My Purse

Author:  Susan L. Prince

Aloneness, Loneliness and What Isn't

Author:  Susan L. Prince

I received a nice email from Tim, a longtime follower of Sisters' Weblog:  It Bloggles the Mind!, today in response to what he read in my previous post.  What he had to say was very encouraging to me, but it also made me realize that I may want to clarify some things.

In my post I talked about how different things are now that the framily has gone its separate ways, and that I am lonely.  While it is true that at times I feel very lonely (tonight would be one of those times because I am sick and there is nobody to dote on me,  LOL), I understand that this is simply a transition period in my life.

I know that God has plans for my life, and that He is always near.  He won't allow one single need in my life to go unfulfilled.  He is giving me a new circle of friends and people to care about, and who care about me.  I have a great church family that won't let me fall through the cracks. 

The wonderful thing about the friendship that Katie and I have is that it endures.  We have been through so much that I believe she and I will forever be friends.  Her kids grew up here in this house, and we all shared this home for nearly a decade.  There is a connection that doesn't just end.  I don't mourn for the loss of the framily, because there is no loss...only change and growth.  Onward and upward!

At times I do look around and see things that trigger memories, like the hole in the door or the many pictures that rotate through on my screen saver, but these are awesome things!  I am so very humbled that God chose to give the gift of framily to me.  At times I am so taken aback, I get teary-eyed and overwhelmed with the realization of the magnitude of the blessing I was given.

It is normal for me to miss aspects of that former life, but it is not crippling me or anything like that, and I didn't want to leave that impression.

I have my moments of just feeling really kind of needy and lonely, that I won't deny (and those moments might end up being inspiration for blog posts!  LOL) but I have a history with God bringing me through lonely times.  It is part of my testimony.  His Word has proven true to this heart of mine and I trust Him to give me all I need. 

God is so good to me it bloggles the mind!

Changes Aren't Permanent, But Change Is

Author:  Susan L. Prince

There is a knock at the door and as I turn the corner to look, with a good idea of who is there, I see Justin, my not-the-son, peeking in at me with a giant smile on his face. 

Justin is home on leave from the Navy and trailing behind him are his best friends, Tim and Kevin.  Soon the young men are chowing down on lunch at the kitchen table and sharing laughter and stories as they visit with one another.  Their voices fill this empty home in which I live alone, when mostly the sound of my own voice echoes in the halls.

It strikes me how much different life is for each member of this framily.

Katie is off and married, living in Alabama now.

Justin is working hard in the Navy serving our country.

Tiffany is making a life for herself as well, living in Alabama.

I live alone with my dog Whyzer, after recently having to put down Cheri, Katie and the kids' Boston Terrier. 

It has been an adjustment and sometimes I do get very lonely.  This seems like an awful lot of house for just one person.  I'm trying to make the place feel like "mine", but there is much here to remind me of what once was, and I am highly unmotivated to work very hard to clean and declutter.  I want a simplified, decluttered life, but I guess I'm too lazy to get it that way.

A few months ago I received word that the system that I use for commenting on the Sisters Weblog was changing.   I had no choice but to allow that to happen.  Then Blogger notified me they were discontinuing support for those of us who use FTP to upload posts to our blog hosted at our own server.  I had no choice but to deal with that and move the blog to http://sistersweblog.blogspot.com .  Turns out that the commenting system change didn't really matter now.

As I went through the process of moving over the first year of posts from 2002 (because they were actually formatted differently and wouldn't import to Blogger), I found myself reading about my former life.  I was reliving some of the experiences of our framily and it helped me to realize how blessed I really am.  The blog really is somewhat of a history of the framily, a history of my spiritual growth, Katie's growth, and in some ways, even a history of some of the changes Northbrook church has endured over the years.

Nothing has stayed the same. Not the framily.  Not the blog.  Not me.

I am somebody who naturally wants to cling to the past, but I have learned that if one does that, they will get left behind.  I know that I need to embrace the changes in my life, and I believe I do that most of the time, but hearing the guys today took me back to the days when I couldn't wait for it to be quiet.  Now it is quiet most of the time.  Be careful what you wish for?

Katie keeps telling me that I am not the same person.  I feel the same, but looking over those old posts makes me wonder?  

This upcoming weekend will have the framily in the same house at least for a little while again.  It will be a good thing and bittersweet at the same time.

Dying

By Katie

Hindsight is 20/20 right? There are people who look over their lives and say they wouldn't have changed a thing. Oh boy I wish I could say that. There are a lot of things I would have done differently. I would have not made a lot of the mistakes I made that I still bear the consequences from. But, everyone makes mistakes…and this is my confession. I am taking responsibility and owning what I have done…and hopefully I will learn from this and not repeat it.

Here is what I am processing today….

God told me to love Him first and then love others and esteem them as better than myself. That was the first thing He told me to focus on after my husband and I separated over a decade ago. He prepared me in advance. He warned me that I was about to be majorly deceived…but I missed what He was sayin. In my deeds I tried to put others first…but in my heart, I was number one. People kept telling me, but I didn't believe them. I didn't realize it until now…now that I have "loved" everyone right out of my life.

I have been grieving over this. I have had bitterness over this…and I have been selfish.

I thought I was selfless and pleasing God because I gave up a lot of personal desires and time to serve God and others through my family, friendships and others. I put everything into giving my children good memories of their childhood. I thought I did good to be at their sports/band/play practices and performances. I invested much time and effort and money into their well-being and education. I did the usual things to keep the home running. I read books on raising kids, attended seminars, was heavily involved in church and even took the kids on a mission trip overseas. I burned my candle at both ends for an entire decade trying to do everything right, trying to do what I believed to be God's will. This included working and going to college. I did. I did. I did. I. I. I.

When the kids were involved in sports and other activities, I often got very upset because I had so much to do and resented that there was another practice, another game. But I went and cheered them on. I became very stressed at trying to manage work, school and motherhood. I spent much of my life feeling overwhelmed and weary. I began to feel taken for granted and started reminding them of all I do for them. I thought it would help to get some appreciation.

The same thing happened with my best friend and roommate. She helped a lot with the financial end of things. In return, I did everything I could to see to her happiness in the deeds I did. I cooked, shopped, did my best to maintain the home while going to work and school. She is a musician and I went to many of her performances as well to support her as well as my children. I enjoyed every one. I believed that accountability was showing love and began holding her accountable for how she spent her time and who she spent it with. I overstepped boundaries because I allowed myself to be deceived into believing I was in God's will because we were accountability partners.

So, I was trying to keep the home, keep up with the kids, go to school, work, and run everyone's life. I believed that I was being submissive when in reality, I became a control freak. I was deceived. I saw myself submissive because I did what I was expected to do and I let everyone dictate to me what I should do and I worked myself to exhaustion. I wanted accolades but received criticism and became resentful. I did most of this while having a Christian blog, going to church, learning how to live…but trying to control things apart from God…all the while believing I was trusting Him and letting Him have the controls of my life. I was slowly and craftily deceived.

I even became my own enemy in trying to love myself! I allowed self centered thoughts to control my actions. I started to see myself as a failure and a hopeless mess. The enemy of my soul started whispering to me, and taking advantage of my weakness in my exhaustion and weariness. When we are serving God, we do not grow weary or faint. That should have been a huge clue to me…but I totally missed it. I began to focus on how I was feeling invisible and unappreciated until somebody needed me to do something. I began to focus on my loneliness and how I felt used and unloved. I then made it a point to remind my friend and family every day about all I sacrificed for them and how I only wanted them to spend some quality time with me…and that I didn't think it was too much to ask in return. I didn't realize that quality time is time spent out of want…not guilt or obligation. Then when they spent time with me, I resented that they spent it out of guilt or obligation and that they didn't really want to. They couldn't win. They were annoyed by my requests and sick of hearing about how they treated me so terribly. I became more resentful and more angry. I created an environment that caused everyone in my household to become focused on themselves and we all began to hurt one another. I was so deceived and I couldn't understand why they thought a little time sacrificed was asking too much. I thought I was fun to be around, but I had become a very unpleasant person. I couldn't understand how it is that I could totally give up my life to make theirs better and bought into a lie that they believed they could just take what they wanted and expect more…and not want me around until it was convenient for them.

It got to the point that all my family ever heard from me is how I would like their time since I gave them so much. I constantly reminded them about how good I was to them and all that I had sacrificed and given to them….so I unintentionally tried to manipulate them through guilt to give me what I wanted (company and appreciation). I never stopped wanting to please them and do

good things for them…I just became resentful because I didn't get the response I expected. I didn't do what I did to get something back…but when I was met with a lack of appreciation, sometimes ridicule and often complaint...I unintentionally retaliated with "reminders", causing a guilt trip. I was shooting myself in the foot. I just nagged (unknowingly) the ones I loved right out of my life and I suffer the consequences even now because they have gone on with their lives and for the most part…I am not a part of it. I now understand why God told me to love Him first and I understand better about loving others. I did not love. I took advantage. I abused. I did everything I accused others of doing to me.

What I would have done differently…..

I would have let go and let God. I would have kept my mouth shut and not gotten so obviously irritated whenever there was "one more thing" to do. I would have not created an environment of eggshells in my family by being on edge and ready to "blow" at the next request…all the time. I would not have reminded them on a daily basis of all the good things I did for them and that they should show more gratitude. This made everything I did, every sacrifice, for nothing…a waste. I ruined it. I was a killjoy. If I could change anything I did in the past, I would not have alienated the ones I claimed to love so much. I am always talking about how we suffer the consequences of our poor decisions…and now I am doing that.

I would have spent more time on my knees and less time running my mouth. I did what I did out of love, but became selfish and felt like I deserved something in return. I defeated my whole effort. All I wanted was to create a stable, loving environment for my home and to give my children happy childhood memories. But, what they have is memories of a grumpy, selfish mom who they began to fear to ask for anything. They were afraid to ask for money because I would lecture them on finances. They were afraid to ask to go anywhere for fear of a lecture on how exhausted I was. Often, when time was spent with me, it was out of guilt and not pleasurable for them…then I lectured them because they didn't want to spend time with me. The same thing happened with my best friend.

I didn't feel like she desired to spend time with me like I desired to spend time with her. I began to lecture her on how she spent her time and on priorities. Out of guilt, she would squeeze me in here and there in hopes to make me stop my endless nagging. But, it didn't work. I felt her discontentment and lectured her about spending time with me just to ease her conscience. I even lectured her on working and hobbies interfering with church…on the surface I believed I was doing this for her good…but now I wonder if I didn't do it out of selfishness thinking it would give us more "quality" time together.

In all my efforts to sacrifice my time and energies in the name of selflessness and being "others" focused, I became extremely self centered and didn't even see it. I was deceived in the midst of all my attempts to be "godly" and became very ungodly. Now, I am staring into the mirror of God and I do not see Christ in me…I see a lot of ugly.

I am on retreat right now. I came here to find forgiveness towards others who have hurt me. Now, I only seek forgiveness that I so desperately need. I pray I will learn from my mistakes and turn and never repeat them again. I am truly sorry. In my efforts to make your life wonderful…I made you miserable.

My prayer now is not God…change their hearts…it is, Father, change mine. Make me over.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

I am guilty of pointing out splinters in others' eyes when I had a huge TREE in my face. I am guilty of selfishness, pride, not putting God first, causing disunity and division. I am guilty of focusing on all the bad things that happened as if nothing good did. We had lots of good times in spite of my bad attitude. I cherish those memories and will try to place my thoughts there from this point forward. God is teaching me about focus this year. Every year he grows a specific area of my life and each one builds upon the ones before. I am shocked to look back and remember the first theme He gave me, "Love God and others". He told me this because He knew the deceiver was coming…and I still fell. It's a slow fade. If you are weary of doing good, it's very likely that in your efforts to do good, something is very wrong and needs to change. If you are serving God WITH God then you will not grow faint or weary. If you are serving God WITHOUT Him then you are trying to grow good fruit apart from the branch and you will only wither and die. But, the good thing is, a seed has to die before it can produce fruit. Your only hope is in Christ...the Vine.

I hope that my enlightenment has killed this part of me that needed to die and I will begin to walk in new life abiding in Christ (that is another theme God gave me 2 years ago). I hope that people will see the change God has made in me…and that He will be glorified! I think I am finally FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!