Acutely Aware of My Singleness...at Church?

Author: Susan L. Prince


To those of you who have followed the Sisters' Weblog since it's inception in 2002, you are well aware of the fact that my friend Katie and I shared a home.  In this house, she raised her two children and I was blessed to have been a part of that for almost ten years.  For those of you new to this blog, you may want to read more about my story from the homepage, Sisters in Christ. 

When we moved into this house in July 2001, her daughter was eight years old, and her son was 11.  (I think)  Needless to say, it was rarely a dull moment in this household for many years.  Good times and bad times came and went.  We called ourselves a framily, or friends + family.  The phrase has caught on and some in our church have been known to use the term of endearment when describing a very close knit church family and any gathering of good friends.  

For those many years, almost an entire decade, we attended Northbrook Church as a framily.  Eventually, the kids would be off sitting with the youth at another area of the church, but my friend Katie and I sat together as friends, worshiping God.  Third row, right side, the two chairs closest to the center aisle.  My seat was the second chair into the row, and Katie's was the chair on the aisle.  Katie is a demonstrative worshiper so she needed the extra space.  I miss that.

Times are different now.  The kids are off living their own lives.  Katie married a wonderful man and they are happily building a marriage in Alabama.

And, here I sit.  Alone in this house. 

For the most part I enjoy my aloneness.  Honestly, I did want it at times, but in my ignorance, I didn't realize the permanence of the situation, or what it would really feel like to live totally alone.  It takes some adjusting for sure.

I'm not posting this to complain about my current state of being, but rather just put it out there and say what I'm feeling as I work through this new time in my life. 

I've pinpointed the two times that I most feel most alone.  The first is anytime I come home after a long trip when I've been away for a few days.  I used to be greeted at the door to hugs and happy faces.  Now, nothing.  The second time I feel most alone is when I go to church.

This is not something I expected.  I never expected to be made aware of my singleness at church and feel so alone there. I want to reassure my church family, that I do NOT feel unloved.  I know I am loved.  I hope to explain this in a way that is easily understood, but, still, may only be understood by those who have walked in similar shoes.

All those years I sat next to my friend.  Now I sit next to no one.  Again, this is not a plea for people to come sit next to me.  Far from it.  You see, I have gone many places by myself.  I go to restaurants and eat by myself.  I go to the movies by myself.  I go to the park and sit by the lake by myself.  I have gone to concerts by myself.  I like doing things by myself.  Sure, I like to share experience with friends, but I really don't mind doing many things by myself.  That is just what single people do. I even did church by myself for a good year before I moved to TN.  I didn't feel alone then, though, like I do now at church.

I've been perplexed by this reality of wanting so bad to get to worship with my church family, and then when I am there, I become acutely aware that I am alone.  I become aware of my singleness.  I become aware of how different my life is today from ten years ago, five years ago, two years ago, and even from last year.  Everything is different and being at Northbrook just seems to highlight the difference.  This is not a bad thing, it is just what is.  

I still leave the aisle seat available when I seat myself.  I look around and see so many new faces, and miss the faces I no longer see.  Faces of the kids, Justin front and center almost every week sitting with his youth friends, and Tiff usually off on the other side of the church, or possibly in the back helping with the children or nursery.  I just miss them being here.  I miss Katie sitting to my left, worshiping, and the both of us taking notes on the message, usually to discuss it later in the day in more depth.

I do rejoice that the framily is all moving on with life and living for the Lord, albeit all separately, but at church I am reminded of what is no longer my existence.  Everything is so different and it is the one place that brings that into the light. 

I notice families.  And I notice the empty chair to my left.

I notice couples.  And I notice the empty chairs to my left and right.

I notice children scrambling to get to Kingdom Kids.  And I notice that I never have to move out of the way of a child on a mission.  (Of course, that may be due to other reasons!  They smell the fear in me!  LOL)


Again, this isn't a bad thing, it is just what is. 

And it is what God is bringing me through right now.  :)  I choose to put my hope in God.  I can feel Him working in me.

Humbled to be Exalted

Author: Katie

I praise You, Father for all the times I have been told by man that I am not “good enough”. I praise You for helping me to see how unworthy I am in and of myself. I know it is not your will that I feel worthless…and at times I have. But in all the rejection I have experienced over the last few years, I have learned how prideful and self-centered I can be. In this realization, I have learned the exalting power of humility. I know in myself I am nothing…but with Christ I am everything and I can do all things and that is where I place my worth…in HIM. I praise You for the trials I have endured. I praise you for the agonizing fires and storms that have brought me to this place in You…that have helped me to understand Christ in Me the hope of glory. I can do nothing to glorify You…it is You working through me that brings glory to Yourself. You cannot be glorified through my life if I am prideful…only humble. I am exalted because of You…not anything I have done. You have brought me through a time of emptying…only to fill me. You asked me to let go…only to give me more…more of You…and that is far beyond anything I had to lose.

I have learned Philip. 3:7-14 “Whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings,(a life theme for 2008-2009) being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

I need not exalt myself. I need not defend myself. I need not prove when I have been wronged. I need not seek revenge or justice out of my own power…but only to seek You…to focus on You. Vengeance is Yours and You are a God of just and mercy and grace. It is my job to love, to forgive, to be kind (love others and esteem them as better than myself, love God and love others...the focus you gave me for 2001)

I am so blown away by all the focus themes you gave me over the last decade and how each one built upon the other and brought me to this place! Each one prepared me for the trials and blessings that were coming that year and beyond! You are with me always and always in control! How much I try to control things to no avail...but when I let go and let You...wow!

It is the humble you exalt….and it is for this reason I praise You for everything I had to suffer through in order to be made aware of how insignificant and helpless I am apart from You. You make me humble. Whenever I start to exalt myself…Lord, remind me of this and help me to remain humble. I am nothing…nothing in and of my own power. Apart from the vine I can do nothing…but abiding in the vine (another life theme)…"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)." In Christ alone I am complete.

Lord, thank you for showing me how prideful and self centered I can be. Thank you for bringing me through a place of humiliation and total devastation so you could rebuild. Thank you for brokenness. Thank you for allowing me to fellowship in the suffering! Thank you for bringing me down in order to exalt me to higher places in You than I could have ever imagined! I want more!

This year, you told me it would be my Year of Jubilee! And blessed be Your name...it has been! But, that's another blog in and of itself!

I Love My Purse

Author:  Susan L. Prince

God's Problem

Author: Katie

It's 2:16 am. I have been suffering from migraine all day and the side effects from the medications that are supposed to help me feel better. I took the new medicine to help with nausea...the side effect...you guessed it...headaches! Anyhow, due to this, I am unable to sleep and my mind is racing. I can't stay on one thought long enough to complete it before a new one rushes in. So, I am writing...because it helps me to organize my thoughts...get them out...and well...because it is what I love to do.

Friday night is date night for Michael and I. Last night (which seems like tonight since I haven't slept yet) we decided to spend some time at Barnes and Noble. During a lul in my headache pain, I was able to spend some time browsing. I looked at so many books that I'd like to buy but since I couldn't make up my mind which one I really wanted...and because I have so many to read and am still working on writing one, I decided not to add to my compilation at this time. However, there is one book that I am almost tempted to go back and buy simply because I found it so disturbing. I hesitated before writing about it out of fear that a believer who is not mature enough in the faith may read the book I'm discussing and have his faith distorted by deception that looks like reality. Please, approach this book with caution should your curiosity get the best of you. Do not pick it up unless you believe that God Himself has told you to! I put the book down out of fear of being misled but the more I think about it, the more I feel a passion and a power to defend its accusations.

The book is called "God's Problem" and it's about the "great unanswered question" on why people suffer. I browsed through different pages and one particular portion deals with the exchange between God and Job in which the author attempts to reason based on his own logical carnal mind (as many unbelievers have been doing for centuries) that God is a big nasty egocentric who enjoys throwing his power around and takes pleasure in our pain. This author has even gone so far as to brag about how his book turned a pastor away from the faith. (Personally, it is my belief that if a person turns, then the Holy Spirit of God never had been given an official place in his heart to begin with....but that's another can of worms I am not going to open at this time.)

"God's Problem" is just one book of many written out of the ignorance of a man separated from God..apart from the wisdom that is given to each believer through the Holy Spirit. These authors cannot understand the Truth because they do not know the Truth and they try to explain what they cannot understand...and are very good at it I might add! These people are enemies of God in need of the One whom they not only reject, but also attempt to deceive the masses with their version of "truth" stemming only from human logic which is completely opposite of God in every way.

1 Corinthians 2:12 (NIV) - We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

Isaiah 55: 8-9 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

As long as the Word of God has been read; from scroll to book, from Greek to Hebrew to King James to NIV and a plethora of other translations through time, man has been deceived into attempting to make God and the Bible logical according to the human mind...but it is truly in vain. When he searches for God...he will find him...as he searches with all his heart...then and only then will He understand what is really written on the pages he thinks he comprehends...and he will see exactly how much contradiction is there...the Bible contradicts alright. It contradicts human logic..and it's perfectly beautiful! It proves what God says...that His thoughts and ways are a far cry from ours. Apart from God...understanding the truths found in His Holy Word is futile and empty. Those who try to do this are left bitter towards God and seek to spread that bitterness through words of human logic about something they will never understand or truly relate to because they lack the relationship that gives it all meaning. Quite frankly, they are fools. They are deceived to death and spread that deception to many others who seek Truth. My heart truly breaks for what they miss...and all those they take down with them along the way.

Even believers get messed up when they try to divide the Word apart from the Holy Spirit...which is why division is so prevalent in the church...and what separates the religious from the righteous in Christ....because of man's arrogance, pride and ignorance. The mind is the playground for the enemy of our souls who seeks to devour, destroy and kill.

When it is all boiled down...it comes to this. God has given us all the right to choose. We can choose to believe Him or we can follow the unbeliever who walks in dark deception. When a person converts...truly converts to Christianity...God's Spirit comes to dwell in him. In that moment, the new believer often knows little about the Truth of God's Word...because the Christian walk is a walk of faith...it is by God's grace we are saved through FAITH ALONE...and it has nothing to do with anything we have done or figured out apart from making the choice to accept that gift of grace. It is in that moment that we begin the journey to seek to know more the One whom we can walk with and talk with and live and breathe with. We do this through prayer, deep study of His Word, and through a relationship with Him. He sent His SON!!! God became human so that He could be on our level... to connect better with us from our side...because even in with all His might and power, our God is a God of humility, unending mercy, and undying love...not pride and arrogance. We don't need to put everything in a pretty little box of human logic....because we have the relationship that reveals how vastly beyond explanation and comprehension is our God and His beautiful, unblemished, holy, perfect, love.

These false teachers...humanize God to prove their agenda. They make him a God who thinks like a man...when indeed...he is far greater than any man is even capable of even beginning to comprehend or explain (just like it was understood by Job)...even WITH the help of the Holy Spirit. The human mind will never ever be able to wrap itself around His greatness....nor will we ever be able to understand or explain His perfect love....yet when we choose Him...we get to EXPERIENCE that love in a way that nothing apart from a personal relationship with Him could ever do. His word is written like a mystery... even in riddles sometime. I believe this is so that man will diligently seek to know Him more through continuously studying the words on its beautiful, exciting, inspiring, dramatic, mysterious, action packed, loved filled....timeless pages. If you want to know the Truth and not just prove your own agenda....then you need to start with prayer. Seek God diligently and you WILL find Him..and He will reveal the Truth to you personally! All you have to do is ask and it shall be done.

Do You Leap or Walk in Faith?

Author:  Susan L. Prince

You know, I've always been somewhat puzzled by the phrase "leap of faith". While I understand the message that phrase conveys, as somebody who tries to live by biblical precepts, there really is no such thing as a *leap* of faith. The Bible talks only of *walking* in faith. (Romans 4:12, 2 Corinthians 5:7)

The situation you are in, or the change you are enduring, might feel like a leap, but I can't help but wonder how much faith is really involved in a *leap*. Leaping would indicate an uncertainty about the outcome, and that is unsettling. A real faith would indicate confidence that the outcome of whatever situation is in God's control, and he will work out everything for His good purpose. There is no reason to leap from that, so why not *walk* in it?

A friend of mine recently shared about her first skydiving experience, (go read "What I Learned About the Lord and 14,000 Feet") and she said "all I had to do was follow his lead, and I was completely assured that everything would be ok" as she explained how not afraid she was to "leap" from the plane. 

She trusted a perfect stranger, shall we believers not trust a trustworthy Father who knows us intimately and completely understands our needs, desires and fears?  (addendum: I am agreeing with Ronda who also pointed out "How much more, then, should we trust our Lord and His Word, which never fail or forsake."  After rereading my post, I see that I may have unintentionally misrepresented what Ronda was saying, so I wanted to clarify by adding this.)

So whatever circumstance in life that this world brings us, it is best to continue walking in faith, knowing that the one who can not love you more than He already does is in control, and if we abide in Him, the outcome will be for our good and His glory.

Walk in confidence that the change is needed, the change is not a surprise to God, the change is good, and in all that, God does NOT change.  Walk with Him.

Aloneness, Loneliness and What Isn't

Author:  Susan L. Prince

I received a nice email from Tim, a longtime follower of Sisters' Weblog:  It Bloggles the Mind!, today in response to what he read in my previous post.  What he had to say was very encouraging to me, but it also made me realize that I may want to clarify some things.

In my post I talked about how different things are now that the framily has gone its separate ways, and that I am lonely.  While it is true that at times I feel very lonely (tonight would be one of those times because I am sick and there is nobody to dote on me,  LOL), I understand that this is simply a transition period in my life.

I know that God has plans for my life, and that He is always near.  He won't allow one single need in my life to go unfulfilled.  He is giving me a new circle of friends and people to care about, and who care about me.  I have a great church family that won't let me fall through the cracks. 

The wonderful thing about the friendship that Katie and I have is that it endures.  We have been through so much that I believe she and I will forever be friends.  Her kids grew up here in this house, and we all shared this home for nearly a decade.  There is a connection that doesn't just end.  I don't mourn for the loss of the framily, because there is no loss...only change and growth.  Onward and upward!

At times I do look around and see things that trigger memories, like the hole in the door or the many pictures that rotate through on my screen saver, but these are awesome things!  I am so very humbled that God chose to give the gift of framily to me.  At times I am so taken aback, I get teary-eyed and overwhelmed with the realization of the magnitude of the blessing I was given.

It is normal for me to miss aspects of that former life, but it is not crippling me or anything like that, and I didn't want to leave that impression.

I have my moments of just feeling really kind of needy and lonely, that I won't deny (and those moments might end up being inspiration for blog posts!  LOL) but I have a history with God bringing me through lonely times.  It is part of my testimony.  His Word has proven true to this heart of mine and I trust Him to give me all I need. 

God is so good to me it bloggles the mind!

Changes Aren't Permanent, But Change Is

Author:  Susan L. Prince

There is a knock at the door and as I turn the corner to look, with a good idea of who is there, I see Justin, my not-the-son, peeking in at me with a giant smile on his face. 

Justin is home on leave from the Navy and trailing behind him are his best friends, Tim and Kevin.  Soon the young men are chowing down on lunch at the kitchen table and sharing laughter and stories as they visit with one another.  Their voices fill this empty home in which I live alone, when mostly the sound of my own voice echoes in the halls.

It strikes me how much different life is for each member of this framily.

Katie is off and married, living in Alabama now.

Justin is working hard in the Navy serving our country.

Tiffany is making a life for herself as well, living in Alabama.

I live alone with my dog Whyzer, after recently having to put down Cheri, Katie and the kids' Boston Terrier. 

It has been an adjustment and sometimes I do get very lonely.  This seems like an awful lot of house for just one person.  I'm trying to make the place feel like "mine", but there is much here to remind me of what once was, and I am highly unmotivated to work very hard to clean and declutter.  I want a simplified, decluttered life, but I guess I'm too lazy to get it that way.

A few months ago I received word that the system that I use for commenting on the Sisters Weblog was changing.   I had no choice but to allow that to happen.  Then Blogger notified me they were discontinuing support for those of us who use FTP to upload posts to our blog hosted at our own server.  I had no choice but to deal with that and move the blog to http://sistersweblog.blogspot.com .  Turns out that the commenting system change didn't really matter now.

As I went through the process of moving over the first year of posts from 2002 (because they were actually formatted differently and wouldn't import to Blogger), I found myself reading about my former life.  I was reliving some of the experiences of our framily and it helped me to realize how blessed I really am.  The blog really is somewhat of a history of the framily, a history of my spiritual growth, Katie's growth, and in some ways, even a history of some of the changes Northbrook church has endured over the years.

Nothing has stayed the same. Not the framily.  Not the blog.  Not me.

I am somebody who naturally wants to cling to the past, but I have learned that if one does that, they will get left behind.  I know that I need to embrace the changes in my life, and I believe I do that most of the time, but hearing the guys today took me back to the days when I couldn't wait for it to be quiet.  Now it is quiet most of the time.  Be careful what you wish for?

Katie keeps telling me that I am not the same person.  I feel the same, but looking over those old posts makes me wonder?  

This upcoming weekend will have the framily in the same house at least for a little while again.  It will be a good thing and bittersweet at the same time.