God's Problem

Author: Katie

It's 2:16 am. I have been suffering from migraine all day and the side effects from the medications that are supposed to help me feel better. I took the new medicine to help with nausea...the side effect...you guessed it...headaches! Anyhow, due to this, I am unable to sleep and my mind is racing. I can't stay on one thought long enough to complete it before a new one rushes in. So, I am writing...because it helps me to organize my thoughts...get them out...and well...because it is what I love to do.

Friday night is date night for Michael and I. Last night (which seems like tonight since I haven't slept yet) we decided to spend some time at Barnes and Noble. During a lul in my headache pain, I was able to spend some time browsing. I looked at so many books that I'd like to buy but since I couldn't make up my mind which one I really wanted...and because I have so many to read and am still working on writing one, I decided not to add to my compilation at this time. However, there is one book that I am almost tempted to go back and buy simply because I found it so disturbing. I hesitated before writing about it out of fear that a believer who is not mature enough in the faith may read the book I'm discussing and have his faith distorted by deception that looks like reality. Please, approach this book with caution should your curiosity get the best of you. Do not pick it up unless you believe that God Himself has told you to! I put the book down out of fear of being misled but the more I think about it, the more I feel a passion and a power to defend its accusations.

The book is called "God's Problem" and it's about the "great unanswered question" on why people suffer. I browsed through different pages and one particular portion deals with the exchange between God and Job in which the author attempts to reason based on his own logical carnal mind (as many unbelievers have been doing for centuries) that God is a big nasty egocentric who enjoys throwing his power around and takes pleasure in our pain. This author has even gone so far as to brag about how his book turned a pastor away from the faith. (Personally, it is my belief that if a person turns, then the Holy Spirit of God never had been given an official place in his heart to begin with....but that's another can of worms I am not going to open at this time.)

"God's Problem" is just one book of many written out of the ignorance of a man separated from God..apart from the wisdom that is given to each believer through the Holy Spirit. These authors cannot understand the Truth because they do not know the Truth and they try to explain what they cannot understand...and are very good at it I might add! These people are enemies of God in need of the One whom they not only reject, but also attempt to deceive the masses with their version of "truth" stemming only from human logic which is completely opposite of God in every way.

1 Corinthians 2:12 (NIV) - We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

Isaiah 55: 8-9 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

As long as the Word of God has been read; from scroll to book, from Greek to Hebrew to King James to NIV and a plethora of other translations through time, man has been deceived into attempting to make God and the Bible logical according to the human mind...but it is truly in vain. When he searches for God...he will find him...as he searches with all his heart...then and only then will He understand what is really written on the pages he thinks he comprehends...and he will see exactly how much contradiction is there...the Bible contradicts alright. It contradicts human logic..and it's perfectly beautiful! It proves what God says...that His thoughts and ways are a far cry from ours. Apart from God...understanding the truths found in His Holy Word is futile and empty. Those who try to do this are left bitter towards God and seek to spread that bitterness through words of human logic about something they will never understand or truly relate to because they lack the relationship that gives it all meaning. Quite frankly, they are fools. They are deceived to death and spread that deception to many others who seek Truth. My heart truly breaks for what they miss...and all those they take down with them along the way.

Even believers get messed up when they try to divide the Word apart from the Holy Spirit...which is why division is so prevalent in the church...and what separates the religious from the righteous in Christ....because of man's arrogance, pride and ignorance. The mind is the playground for the enemy of our souls who seeks to devour, destroy and kill.

When it is all boiled down...it comes to this. God has given us all the right to choose. We can choose to believe Him or we can follow the unbeliever who walks in dark deception. When a person converts...truly converts to Christianity...God's Spirit comes to dwell in him. In that moment, the new believer often knows little about the Truth of God's Word...because the Christian walk is a walk of faith...it is by God's grace we are saved through FAITH ALONE...and it has nothing to do with anything we have done or figured out apart from making the choice to accept that gift of grace. It is in that moment that we begin the journey to seek to know more the One whom we can walk with and talk with and live and breathe with. We do this through prayer, deep study of His Word, and through a relationship with Him. He sent His SON!!! God became human so that He could be on our level... to connect better with us from our side...because even in with all His might and power, our God is a God of humility, unending mercy, and undying love...not pride and arrogance. We don't need to put everything in a pretty little box of human logic....because we have the relationship that reveals how vastly beyond explanation and comprehension is our God and His beautiful, unblemished, holy, perfect, love.

These false teachers...humanize God to prove their agenda. They make him a God who thinks like a man...when indeed...he is far greater than any man is even capable of even beginning to comprehend or explain (just like it was understood by Job)...even WITH the help of the Holy Spirit. The human mind will never ever be able to wrap itself around His greatness....nor will we ever be able to understand or explain His perfect love....yet when we choose Him...we get to EXPERIENCE that love in a way that nothing apart from a personal relationship with Him could ever do. His word is written like a mystery... even in riddles sometime. I believe this is so that man will diligently seek to know Him more through continuously studying the words on its beautiful, exciting, inspiring, dramatic, mysterious, action packed, loved filled....timeless pages. If you want to know the Truth and not just prove your own agenda....then you need to start with prayer. Seek God diligently and you WILL find Him..and He will reveal the Truth to you personally! All you have to do is ask and it shall be done.

Do You Leap or Walk in Faith?

Author:  Susan L. Prince

You know, I've always been somewhat puzzled by the phrase "leap of faith". While I understand the message that phrase conveys, as somebody who tries to live by biblical precepts, there really is no such thing as a *leap* of faith. The Bible talks only of *walking* in faith. (Romans 4:12, 2 Corinthians 5:7)

The situation you are in, or the change you are enduring, might feel like a leap, but I can't help but wonder how much faith is really involved in a *leap*. Leaping would indicate an uncertainty about the outcome, and that is unsettling. A real faith would indicate confidence that the outcome of whatever situation is in God's control, and he will work out everything for His good purpose. There is no reason to leap from that, so why not *walk* in it?

A friend of mine recently shared about her first skydiving experience, (go read "What I Learned About the Lord and 14,000 Feet") and she said "all I had to do was follow his lead, and I was completely assured that everything would be ok" as she explained how not afraid she was to "leap" from the plane. 

She trusted a perfect stranger, shall we believers not trust a trustworthy Father who knows us intimately and completely understands our needs, desires and fears?  (addendum: I am agreeing with Ronda who also pointed out "How much more, then, should we trust our Lord and His Word, which never fail or forsake."  After rereading my post, I see that I may have unintentionally misrepresented what Ronda was saying, so I wanted to clarify by adding this.)

So whatever circumstance in life that this world brings us, it is best to continue walking in faith, knowing that the one who can not love you more than He already does is in control, and if we abide in Him, the outcome will be for our good and His glory.

Walk in confidence that the change is needed, the change is not a surprise to God, the change is good, and in all that, God does NOT change.  Walk with Him.

Aloneness, Loneliness and What Isn't

Author:  Susan L. Prince

I received a nice email from Tim, a longtime follower of Sisters' Weblog:  It Bloggles the Mind!, today in response to what he read in my previous post.  What he had to say was very encouraging to me, but it also made me realize that I may want to clarify some things.

In my post I talked about how different things are now that the framily has gone its separate ways, and that I am lonely.  While it is true that at times I feel very lonely (tonight would be one of those times because I am sick and there is nobody to dote on me,  LOL), I understand that this is simply a transition period in my life.

I know that God has plans for my life, and that He is always near.  He won't allow one single need in my life to go unfulfilled.  He is giving me a new circle of friends and people to care about, and who care about me.  I have a great church family that won't let me fall through the cracks. 

The wonderful thing about the friendship that Katie and I have is that it endures.  We have been through so much that I believe she and I will forever be friends.  Her kids grew up here in this house, and we all shared this home for nearly a decade.  There is a connection that doesn't just end.  I don't mourn for the loss of the framily, because there is no loss...only change and growth.  Onward and upward!

At times I do look around and see things that trigger memories, like the hole in the door or the many pictures that rotate through on my screen saver, but these are awesome things!  I am so very humbled that God chose to give the gift of framily to me.  At times I am so taken aback, I get teary-eyed and overwhelmed with the realization of the magnitude of the blessing I was given.

It is normal for me to miss aspects of that former life, but it is not crippling me or anything like that, and I didn't want to leave that impression.

I have my moments of just feeling really kind of needy and lonely, that I won't deny (and those moments might end up being inspiration for blog posts!  LOL) but I have a history with God bringing me through lonely times.  It is part of my testimony.  His Word has proven true to this heart of mine and I trust Him to give me all I need. 

God is so good to me it bloggles the mind!

Changes Aren't Permanent, But Change Is

Author:  Susan L. Prince

There is a knock at the door and as I turn the corner to look, with a good idea of who is there, I see Justin, my not-the-son, peeking in at me with a giant smile on his face. 

Justin is home on leave from the Navy and trailing behind him are his best friends, Tim and Kevin.  Soon the young men are chowing down on lunch at the kitchen table and sharing laughter and stories as they visit with one another.  Their voices fill this empty home in which I live alone, when mostly the sound of my own voice echoes in the halls.

It strikes me how much different life is for each member of this framily.

Katie is off and married, living in Alabama now.

Justin is working hard in the Navy serving our country.

Tiffany is making a life for herself as well, living in Alabama.

I live alone with my dog Whyzer, after recently having to put down Cheri, Katie and the kids' Boston Terrier. 

It has been an adjustment and sometimes I do get very lonely.  This seems like an awful lot of house for just one person.  I'm trying to make the place feel like "mine", but there is much here to remind me of what once was, and I am highly unmotivated to work very hard to clean and declutter.  I want a simplified, decluttered life, but I guess I'm too lazy to get it that way.

A few months ago I received word that the system that I use for commenting on the Sisters Weblog was changing.   I had no choice but to allow that to happen.  Then Blogger notified me they were discontinuing support for those of us who use FTP to upload posts to our blog hosted at our own server.  I had no choice but to deal with that and move the blog to http://sistersweblog.blogspot.com .  Turns out that the commenting system change didn't really matter now.

As I went through the process of moving over the first year of posts from 2002 (because they were actually formatted differently and wouldn't import to Blogger), I found myself reading about my former life.  I was reliving some of the experiences of our framily and it helped me to realize how blessed I really am.  The blog really is somewhat of a history of the framily, a history of my spiritual growth, Katie's growth, and in some ways, even a history of some of the changes Northbrook church has endured over the years.

Nothing has stayed the same. Not the framily.  Not the blog.  Not me.

I am somebody who naturally wants to cling to the past, but I have learned that if one does that, they will get left behind.  I know that I need to embrace the changes in my life, and I believe I do that most of the time, but hearing the guys today took me back to the days when I couldn't wait for it to be quiet.  Now it is quiet most of the time.  Be careful what you wish for?

Katie keeps telling me that I am not the same person.  I feel the same, but looking over those old posts makes me wonder?  

This upcoming weekend will have the framily in the same house at least for a little while again.  It will be a good thing and bittersweet at the same time.

God Delights To Surprise

Author:  Susan L. Prince

I can't WAIT to share because God just really showed me His Presence this weekend and not in any HUGE major way, just in small things. When He opens my eyes enough to see Him in the small, it just magnifies His Glory that much more!

Here's the one from Saturday. I am a BIG Jennifer Knapp fan and was excited to see her perform last night at TPAC in Nashville. My friend Katrina and I made arrangements to spend the night in Franklin and visit Grace Chapel church on Sunday morning.

Not only did Jennifer Knapp come onto that stage with only her guitar and God given voice, the chick gave a stellar performance that I enjoyed greatly. What a gift she has and I'm so thankful she is choosing to share it again. (Photo by Knapp Fan David Crenshaw)  

The band, Todd Snider, that she opened for was great, wow they were good, but it was not my kind of music. A bit too country for me, so Katrina and I decided to leave. As God would have it, He timed all that perfect so that I would be able to MEET JENNIFER KNAPP again (I met her once before at the Mid-South Fair in Memphis in 2000) as she stood near her table where the demo CDs were. (I had already pre-ordered her release and had a demo in pocket!) Yes! I got to look in that woman's eye and say "thank you for sharing your music. I saw you perform at The Belcourt last fall and you rocked!" Katrina and I continued to share with her that we had had the chance to talk with her once before ten years ago in Memphis. Anyway, that was a neat treat and did get a couple of pictures with her, so that rocks.

Onto the next part of the story. A few months ago, I received a notice from Amazon.com that I had earned a "free download" of music for being such a great customer. This download was for a full length mp3 album of my choice, but the choice was to come from specific selections and of those I had to choose from were about 800 different albums. I did not want to waste my free album, so I took my time to sample hundreds of CDs over many days and weeks to be sure to choose the perfect one. I'm a music junkie and I am always looking for something new that inspires me, something that stands out from the rest of the mediocrity out there.

I searched and searched all of the rock titles and the Christian rock titles. I am a "rock 'n' roller"! I love rock music! Hard rock music! I had fun going through some old tunes from back in the day and stuff but then after days of deliberation and frustration that nothing was jumping out I came upon a CD called "Heaven on Earth" - Covenant Worship with Nicole and David Binion. Never heard of them? Neither had I, until I sampled their music. This is NOT music I am naturally drawn to, but something about this particular one captured my attention and I ended up downloading this as my "free mp3 album". Normally I'd find music from Disciple, DecembeRadio, Switchfoot, or Skillet or some band like that. Choosing a praise and worship CD is highly unlikely, but God led me to it.

I was so excited about this music and I listened to the album over and over. I shared it with a couple of friends who like exactly this type of worship music, but both were very surprised that I LIKED IT! LOL Anyway, the music pierces my heart with words of truth and just plain good music. God becomes real to me through it. You know how good music can be?

Now, moving on. Jennifer Knapp was lot of fun, but hardly compares to the experience today. Grace Chapel is a huge church, but it is often packed and difficult to find a seat. We made sure to arrive early, so after breakfast in a nifty place called Country Boy restaurant in Leiper's Fork, we made our way to the church and found a seat. This church offers communion each week before each service for anybody wanting to partake. A prayer is said, people go up to get the elements, return to their seat, quietly meditate/pray or whatever and take of the bread and blood. As I watched people do this, I noticed that I recognized one woman walking up the aisle and took a seat directly behind me. Didn't think too much of it, people sometimes look alike, you know?

Soon, the praise and worship music started and it was so uplifting as it always is there. (Amazing musicians and music!) I heard a female voice accompanying worship that sounded familiar to me, but I've listened to the Grace Chapel stuff online a few times, so that explained away the familiarity.

As the music and worship continued, I was getting into the music. Then I heard a familiar male voice and thought naaaah, can't be. Worship continued and then I heard a SONG I KNOW VERY WELL! I turned to Katrina and said "no way!" and she said "oh, they do this song all the time", so I was kind of crushed because I thought I had figured out why I was so familiar with the voices and the song. But, then the woman next to me, a Grace Chapel member, got my attention and asked "who are those people? I have never seen them here before." and then I KNEW. MY HUNCH WAS CORRECT! Get this: I said "I know who they are, Binion is the name. David Binion, but I forget his wife's name." So, worship really took off now because they taught the song "Heaven and Earth" to the church, in parts (which was cool) and everyone could then belt it out to the Lord! Woohooo! I was so taken aback that God had given me such an awesome revelation that He is ever present! MAN! I started thinking what are the chances? what are the chances? 




What are the chances that I would land on THAT one album of worship music (out of my normal character to purchase),after spending DAYS and weeks poring over 800 selections that I had to choose from, only to visit a church that I live two and a half hours from, and to have the ARTISTS of that album that has been such a blessing to me, leading worship today!?!?!??!?!?!???????????

GOD THING!

I was totally blown off the planet by that one! Meet Jennifer Knapp, now this? WOW!

Then, the message for the service was fantastic about being spiritually blind and how we are to be used in the recovery of sight for the blind. Mind blowing stuff from Pastor Steve today, convicting...but that's for another day.

After the service, I went over to the Binion's and thanked them for leading worship and sharing with us today. I shared my story of how I came upon their CD and they thought it was so cool, and seemed surprised in a way. I also shared about the surprise God gave me that I live 2.5 hours away and was only in town visiting Grace Chapel and that the people responsible for that awesome worship CD that has been edifying me for months were here live and in person to lead the music! WOW WOW WOW! Nicole said "It is amazing what God does, my name is Nicole, what is yours?" and we talked a bit more until I excused myself to go wait for Katrina back at my seat.


As I was sitting there I saw that woman I had seen earlier that I recognized. Not being totally sure of who she was I just kind of observed, and then I heard her speak while she talked to a person about the amazing message she heard. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew who it was and that I was right. Kathy Troccoli was seated behind me worshipping at Grace Chapel today. How cool is that?

Anyway, God totally blessed my time with Katie this weekend and I am ever so grateful. He also went above and beyond and put a couple of exclamation points on the days! Woohooo! God is good! :)

Seeing Jennifer Knapp and being able to talk with her is not any monumental thing in life, but it was special to me.  It was nothing God had to do for me.  It didn't really grow me spiritually, but I believe God took pleasure surprising me with that, knowing full well I would enjoy it.

Worshiping with David and Nicole Binion at Grace Chapel today was quite a surprise and very special to me.  Their songs have helped me reach a place of intimacy with God over the past couple of months that I don't often experience.   I was able to worship God in a deep way today because I knew He delighted in surprising me.

My time with Katie was blessed as well.  Two friends and sisters in Christ that have experienced so much together, but are now living lives completely different than they were a year ago.  God is delighting in growing the both of us in Him, and He delights in surprising us.

He Bloggles the mind.

Dying

By Katie

Hindsight is 20/20 right? There are people who look over their lives and say they wouldn't have changed a thing. Oh boy I wish I could say that. There are a lot of things I would have done differently. I would have not made a lot of the mistakes I made that I still bear the consequences from. But, everyone makes mistakes…and this is my confession. I am taking responsibility and owning what I have done…and hopefully I will learn from this and not repeat it.

Here is what I am processing today….

God told me to love Him first and then love others and esteem them as better than myself. That was the first thing He told me to focus on after my husband and I separated over a decade ago. He prepared me in advance. He warned me that I was about to be majorly deceived…but I missed what He was sayin. In my deeds I tried to put others first…but in my heart, I was number one. People kept telling me, but I didn't believe them. I didn't realize it until now…now that I have "loved" everyone right out of my life.

I have been grieving over this. I have had bitterness over this…and I have been selfish.

I thought I was selfless and pleasing God because I gave up a lot of personal desires and time to serve God and others through my family, friendships and others. I put everything into giving my children good memories of their childhood. I thought I did good to be at their sports/band/play practices and performances. I invested much time and effort and money into their well-being and education. I did the usual things to keep the home running. I read books on raising kids, attended seminars, was heavily involved in church and even took the kids on a mission trip overseas. I burned my candle at both ends for an entire decade trying to do everything right, trying to do what I believed to be God's will. This included working and going to college. I did. I did. I did. I. I. I.

When the kids were involved in sports and other activities, I often got very upset because I had so much to do and resented that there was another practice, another game. But I went and cheered them on. I became very stressed at trying to manage work, school and motherhood. I spent much of my life feeling overwhelmed and weary. I began to feel taken for granted and started reminding them of all I do for them. I thought it would help to get some appreciation.

The same thing happened with my best friend and roommate. She helped a lot with the financial end of things. In return, I did everything I could to see to her happiness in the deeds I did. I cooked, shopped, did my best to maintain the home while going to work and school. She is a musician and I went to many of her performances as well to support her as well as my children. I enjoyed every one. I believed that accountability was showing love and began holding her accountable for how she spent her time and who she spent it with. I overstepped boundaries because I allowed myself to be deceived into believing I was in God's will because we were accountability partners.

So, I was trying to keep the home, keep up with the kids, go to school, work, and run everyone's life. I believed that I was being submissive when in reality, I became a control freak. I was deceived. I saw myself submissive because I did what I was expected to do and I let everyone dictate to me what I should do and I worked myself to exhaustion. I wanted accolades but received criticism and became resentful. I did most of this while having a Christian blog, going to church, learning how to live…but trying to control things apart from God…all the while believing I was trusting Him and letting Him have the controls of my life. I was slowly and craftily deceived.

I even became my own enemy in trying to love myself! I allowed self centered thoughts to control my actions. I started to see myself as a failure and a hopeless mess. The enemy of my soul started whispering to me, and taking advantage of my weakness in my exhaustion and weariness. When we are serving God, we do not grow weary or faint. That should have been a huge clue to me…but I totally missed it. I began to focus on how I was feeling invisible and unappreciated until somebody needed me to do something. I began to focus on my loneliness and how I felt used and unloved. I then made it a point to remind my friend and family every day about all I sacrificed for them and how I only wanted them to spend some quality time with me…and that I didn't think it was too much to ask in return. I didn't realize that quality time is time spent out of want…not guilt or obligation. Then when they spent time with me, I resented that they spent it out of guilt or obligation and that they didn't really want to. They couldn't win. They were annoyed by my requests and sick of hearing about how they treated me so terribly. I became more resentful and more angry. I created an environment that caused everyone in my household to become focused on themselves and we all began to hurt one another. I was so deceived and I couldn't understand why they thought a little time sacrificed was asking too much. I thought I was fun to be around, but I had become a very unpleasant person. I couldn't understand how it is that I could totally give up my life to make theirs better and bought into a lie that they believed they could just take what they wanted and expect more…and not want me around until it was convenient for them.

It got to the point that all my family ever heard from me is how I would like their time since I gave them so much. I constantly reminded them about how good I was to them and all that I had sacrificed and given to them….so I unintentionally tried to manipulate them through guilt to give me what I wanted (company and appreciation). I never stopped wanting to please them and do

good things for them…I just became resentful because I didn't get the response I expected. I didn't do what I did to get something back…but when I was met with a lack of appreciation, sometimes ridicule and often complaint...I unintentionally retaliated with "reminders", causing a guilt trip. I was shooting myself in the foot. I just nagged (unknowingly) the ones I loved right out of my life and I suffer the consequences even now because they have gone on with their lives and for the most part…I am not a part of it. I now understand why God told me to love Him first and I understand better about loving others. I did not love. I took advantage. I abused. I did everything I accused others of doing to me.

What I would have done differently…..

I would have let go and let God. I would have kept my mouth shut and not gotten so obviously irritated whenever there was "one more thing" to do. I would have not created an environment of eggshells in my family by being on edge and ready to "blow" at the next request…all the time. I would not have reminded them on a daily basis of all the good things I did for them and that they should show more gratitude. This made everything I did, every sacrifice, for nothing…a waste. I ruined it. I was a killjoy. If I could change anything I did in the past, I would not have alienated the ones I claimed to love so much. I am always talking about how we suffer the consequences of our poor decisions…and now I am doing that.

I would have spent more time on my knees and less time running my mouth. I did what I did out of love, but became selfish and felt like I deserved something in return. I defeated my whole effort. All I wanted was to create a stable, loving environment for my home and to give my children happy childhood memories. But, what they have is memories of a grumpy, selfish mom who they began to fear to ask for anything. They were afraid to ask for money because I would lecture them on finances. They were afraid to ask to go anywhere for fear of a lecture on how exhausted I was. Often, when time was spent with me, it was out of guilt and not pleasurable for them…then I lectured them because they didn't want to spend time with me. The same thing happened with my best friend.

I didn't feel like she desired to spend time with me like I desired to spend time with her. I began to lecture her on how she spent her time and on priorities. Out of guilt, she would squeeze me in here and there in hopes to make me stop my endless nagging. But, it didn't work. I felt her discontentment and lectured her about spending time with me just to ease her conscience. I even lectured her on working and hobbies interfering with church…on the surface I believed I was doing this for her good…but now I wonder if I didn't do it out of selfishness thinking it would give us more "quality" time together.

In all my efforts to sacrifice my time and energies in the name of selflessness and being "others" focused, I became extremely self centered and didn't even see it. I was deceived in the midst of all my attempts to be "godly" and became very ungodly. Now, I am staring into the mirror of God and I do not see Christ in me…I see a lot of ugly.

I am on retreat right now. I came here to find forgiveness towards others who have hurt me. Now, I only seek forgiveness that I so desperately need. I pray I will learn from my mistakes and turn and never repeat them again. I am truly sorry. In my efforts to make your life wonderful…I made you miserable.

My prayer now is not God…change their hearts…it is, Father, change mine. Make me over.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

I am guilty of pointing out splinters in others' eyes when I had a huge TREE in my face. I am guilty of selfishness, pride, not putting God first, causing disunity and division. I am guilty of focusing on all the bad things that happened as if nothing good did. We had lots of good times in spite of my bad attitude. I cherish those memories and will try to place my thoughts there from this point forward. God is teaching me about focus this year. Every year he grows a specific area of my life and each one builds upon the ones before. I am shocked to look back and remember the first theme He gave me, "Love God and others". He told me this because He knew the deceiver was coming…and I still fell. It's a slow fade. If you are weary of doing good, it's very likely that in your efforts to do good, something is very wrong and needs to change. If you are serving God WITH God then you will not grow faint or weary. If you are serving God WITHOUT Him then you are trying to grow good fruit apart from the branch and you will only wither and die. But, the good thing is, a seed has to die before it can produce fruit. Your only hope is in Christ...the Vine.

I hope that my enlightenment has killed this part of me that needed to die and I will begin to walk in new life abiding in Christ (that is another theme God gave me 2 years ago). I hope that people will see the change God has made in me…and that He will be glorified! I think I am finally FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unforgiveness

Author: Katie

At the risk of totally humiliating myself , I am writing a public confession. I pray that God will bring good from this.

I thought I was the kind of person who didn’t have a problem with holding grudges but then circumstances occurred in my life to show me that even I am susceptible to this deception of wanting justice and vindication where I feel I have been wronged…all about me. How did I get to this place? It was a slow and deceptive fade into selfishness. I am confessing this sin of unforgiveness and selfishness that is overwhelming and poisoning me. This grudge and bitterness I hold is towards people who once held a very special place in my heart. I keep justifying to myself that I have a right to this, but truthfully, there is no justification there is only God’s Word which says that this is sin and it is harmful to my relationship with Him. He forgave me and if I don’t forgive as He has forgiven then I am not reflecting Him or bringing glory to His name. More than I am sinning against those who have wounded me…I am sinning against God and it has deprived me of the Spirit’s power in my life and thrown me into a time of desert wandering. I know this but I can’t seem to let go, to trust God and let Him have it. Why? He can fix this. I am only making it worse.

Brothers and sisters, I covet your prayers that I will be healed from this…that I will find a way to turn from it and stay turned. It is self-preservation that keeps me in this state of darkness. My faith is weak. I know my God is bigger than this…but I also know He will not choose for me. It is my prayer for strength to choose for myself and to believe that He alone is the one who should deal with those who have wounded me. He will let them know if and what they have done wrong in His time. It’s not my job to make them understand and I can’t show them Truth because I’m not really sure what that is myself. But, when I let go and let Him have the controls and trust Him again, He will let me know Truth and He will give me understanding towards why I have been so deeply hurt. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe that's my problem.

I have never harbored bitterness like this before and I don’t know why I continue to put myself through this. It serves no purpose and is only destructive to my well-being, my testimony, my relationships to others and my relationship to God. It is a waste…I know this…so why do I find some twisted sense of security in it? I do what I don’t want to do.

God help me