Wandering Fool

I have really been struggling spiritually as of late. It's been going on awhile. I have trouble praying, and just really have trouble sensing the presence of God. My faith is weak.

I am still reading all the same Biblical literature that I do. Right now I'm entrenched in "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn, and just finished "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. I'm also reading the "Dead Sea Scrolls", although I'm having a bit of trouble with that one! I really don't understand what I am reading and I'm not sure I'm gonna make it through even with the authors' commentary throughout. Then I also have another book that I am enjoying as a "lighter" read called "God is Closer Than You Think", by John Ortberg.

While the latter book is an easy read, it is the most compelling to me at the moment, during this spiritual desert I have found myself in. The book helps to answer the question..."If God is always with us, why is He so hard to find?" GOOD QUESTION!

Life has become a bit of a distraction for me. That's all, just life. Work, home, computer, home and auto repairs, finances, all the burdens of this world. My Biblical knowledge tells me all about how I am not of this world and that today has enough worries of it's own, and that I should be anxious for nothing...but knowledge and practice are two different things. Ortberg uses the analogy of Where's Waldo? Basically, Waldo is somewhere on the page and he is hidden among all of the other things on the page, the distractions, as is God. If we focus, we can find Waldo...we will see God. I guess I need new God contacts!

I also know that what I do with the knowledge I have about God shows what I believe about Him to be true. Therefore, right now, I feel like I fail Him. If I am worrying, I am not trusting Him. There! I said it! I guess I am not trusting Him. The reason He is so hard to find is because I am not looking at Him. I am looking at all the distractions around me. I am not hearing him, because I am hearing all the lies around me.

This is all stuff I know. SO WHY DO I HAVE THE TROUBLE AT ALL? arrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!!

To pile on the shame today a woman from SaLT Group said to me "I am really impressed with all the knowledge you have about the Bible." Meh.

She has NO CLUE that I am a wandering fool.

And why is it easier to blog this than to ask the people who care about me most to pray me through this desert? THAT'S MY OTHER PROBLEM! PRIDE! See! I am a wandering fool!