Sleepless Christmas Eve

Author: Katie

This Christmas Eve I laid awake in my bed. Unlike many Christmas Eve's past, this time I wasn't awaiting the arrival of Santa or anticipating my kids opening their gifts on Christmas morning. This year, I laid awake feeling an ache in my heart at how much Christ was not invited into the preparations for the day and how much there was to do on Christmas day that had little to do with Him.

I tried to pray but couldn't focus so I decided to get up. I bundled up and made my way to the back porch. As I sat quietly under the stars and the beautiful moonlight, I understood the Heavenly peace of the Silent Night. There was a beautiful ring around the moon predicting the white Christmas that was about to arrive.

As I sat in my pajamas, bundled in my sister's coat, I thanked God for the 8 family members that were sleeping inside. I thanked him for the season and the Reason. Then, I believe by the leading of the Holy Spirit, the silence was broken as I heard my voice in the crisp clear night singing, "Oh Holy Night" followed soon after by "Silent Night". It was so perfectly peaceful...it was Christmas.

The air was cold but in my heart, a warm fire burned as I rejoiced and celebrated in song with the Heavenly host under a starry blanket in the earliest hours of Christmas morning. Oh night divine.

December 7 - Happy Adoption Day!

Author: Susan L. Prince

Reposted from a few years ago, but it accurately captures the excitement this day brings me every year!

December 7th is probably just another day to you. NOT TO ME! December 7 is special to me because it is my anniversary! Way back in 1966 God chose to bless me on December 7th. He had it all planned out before the world began, but as far as my existence...this day in 1966 is a milestone. December 7, 1966 I was adopted!

I was only four months old so I don't remember much, actually, I remember nothing of the events of that day, but I mark it as special anyway. I know that it was the day I got a family! A wonderful mom and dad. I love them so much. I have tears as I blog knowing that as much as they are special to me, they have NEVER let me forget how special I am to them.

My parents are so awesome. I go to them when I need anything...encouragement, opinions, even if I need help financially I know that I can count on my parents. If I had a need right now and called them and asked them to come, they would be on the next flight out of Cleveland. I can always count on my mom and dad to be there for me. They have never failed to show me love.

Growing up I took my parents for granted, not intentionally, but I thought all parents were like mine. They were there at every band concert and softball game, awards banquets and every kid milestone. They were always there when I needed help with my homework. They took care of all my needs. I always had clothes to wear, (even though I think mom sometimes had to drag me to clothes shop!), and food to eat. I had the extra-added benefit of having Gram come live with us when my grandad died too. She baked the most awesome chocolate-chip cookies (that I have not ever been able to duplicate), and beaten biscuits...I miss the beaten biscuits! I never meant to take for granted the love my parents showed me...so here for all the WWW to see...Thanks Mom and Dad for loving me!

I remember helping dad every spring put the mower deck on the tractor so I could mow the yard and in the fall it was time to put the snow blower back on and chains on the tires. I remember mom helping to coach my softball team one year and always being my taxi getting me to and from all my practices and rehearsals. I remember Gram supporting me in my endeavors on the softball field and in the band as well. I have so many awesome childhood memories and most of them because of my parents loving me so much!

When I was adopted, I gained parents, but later on I gained two younger sisters. We had a good life growing up together. I remember bickering as siblings do but we love each other and are there for one another when needed. I am so blessed!!! WHY DID GOD GIVE ME SO MUCH?!!!

Ohhhhhhhh, the mail just came in! Snail mail that is and LOOK! I have a card from Mom and Dad! YAY! It's a Veggietales card...Bob and Larry on the front! I'm so excited! Wooohooooooo!!! It says "God made you special and He loves you very much." and now I'm gonna open it! Inside it says "What better reason to have a happy birthday?" But Mom scratched out birthday and wrote "ADOPTION DAY!". Then the best part is what she wrote after that: "We love you more than you love Veggie Tales. Love, Mom and Dad." AND I LOVE THEM MORE THAN I LOVE VEGGIE TALES! (and I LOVE Veggie Tales!)

God did make me special and every day of my life my parents have reminded me of that. As a kid they would tell me I was special and that being adopted was special. As an adult, they still tell me I am special. I know I am special in God's eyes because of the parents He gave me. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I feel special today!

December 7...today is a day I will celebrate!

How Hiking is Like Walking With the Spirit

Author:  Susan L. Prince

Recently I vacationed in the Smokies with friends who invited me to come with them.  I was blessed beyond measure in so many ways during that vacation, but one particular thing struck me while hiking the Abram's Falls trail in The Great Smoky Mountains, and the thought I had is what developed into this post.

I was walking the trail and now and then would be tripped up by rogue rhododendron roots or rocks jutting up out of the dirt of the trail.  It was rough terrain in some places and I started thinking about how amazing it is that God so made our brains that when I stumble, my brain sends messages to my entire body; arms, legs, ears, eyes, so that it will correct itself in order that I don't completely fall over and get hurt.  My equilibrium is kept by fluids in my inner ear and when thrown off kilter, my arms flail, but only to gain balance as my feet readjust and find footing again.  It bloggles the mind when you think of all the physiological processes that must take place whenever we trip, in order for the human body to react and correct itself.

Then I started considering something else.  I started realizing that as my eyes observed the trail I would make a mental note of where certain obstacles were; rocks in the way, troublesome roots sticking up, sticks obstructing the path, and then I noticed how often my body automatically maneuvered itself to avoid tripping to begin with.  I was able to keep my pace, see an obstacle and duck, or swerve to the side, possibly lift one foot higher off the ground to avoid a rock, or simply lengthen or shorten my stride momentarily to miss a slippery spot on the trail.  My eyes would see the obstacle and immediately my brain sent all the right signals and the appropriate body movements took place to avoid even a stumble.  I didn't have to see the obstacle and conscientiously react; watch my leg, think about lifting it higher so that my foot would avoid the obstacle, no, I simply saw it and my body did what it had to do to avoid danger.  It really happened so quickly that I didn't think about it, I just kept right on walking.

Then it occurred to me that this is something similar to what it is like to walk in the Spirit.

For the believer, the Holy Spirit's purpose is to "guide you into all truth." (John 16:13)  The Spirit "will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." (John 14:26)  The Holy Spirit's guidance is of utmost importance as we read God's Word and learn the Truth from it, and equally as important is when we yield to the Spirit; He helps us apply the Truth we learn to the life we live.  This is a mystical process and in I Corinthians 2, we are told why, "we speak of God’s secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory....The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God."  To those who have not the Spirit of God in them, this is all foolishness, but to those of us to whom the Truth has been revealed, we are guided through life by God Himself.

As we walk through life in the power of the Holy Spirit, we can apply the truth we've learned through God's Word to life, so as troubles arise, we are able to adjust accordingly and overcome the obstacle.  Sometimes we are able to see trouble on the path ahead because the Holy Spirit nudges us to pay attention and see the danger, and then we can completely avoid the problem by staying on course and not veering to the left or the right.  For the most part, walking in the Spirit is that automatic adjustment that happens as we go about our day to day lives, avoiding pitfalls and choices that take us away from the path we are following.  Following the Holy Spirit is not always something we consciously do, but it is putting into practice the precepts we have learned as we walk with God day after day.

Sometimes, like on the trails of The Smokies, the road is bumpy and we get tripped up. The pitfalls and bad choices are always because we choose to believe the lie; the lie that more money will make us happy so we choose this job over that, the lie that alcohol will take away emotional pain, the lie that you need to be married to be happy, the lie that success in your career will be what makes you happy, etc. We may have ignored the warning signals from the Holy Spirit; mystical unctions or maybe warnings fellow believers pointed out, and fell flat on our face because we sought things that would bring only temporary happiness. We may have chosen to fill the emptiness in our lives with something other than God. We may have chosen the way of sin, and then found ourselves suffering terrible consequences.  Eventually, the Holy Spirit will convict us.  The Holy Spirit will woo us back onto the path of the righteousness, and we can readjust our lives again and live according to the Truth.  This often requires a much more conscientious choice to be obedient to the Holy Spirit and get back on the path that He is guiding us to.

While walking those trails in the woods, at some point, I became conscientiously aware of the fact that with every step I took, I was making adjustments in my stride.  Some of the adjustments were hardly noticeable, and others required a lot of maneuvering, but I was always able to stay on course.  I was picturing how the Holy Spirit works in my life when I allow myself to be guided by Him and for the most part, the adjustments I make are daily, but minute and hardly noticeable. Now and then, an obstacle is thrown into my path and because I am a student of the Word, the Holy Spirit reminds me of that truth and then I deal with the issue, adjust my walk and continue moving forward.  Sometimes the problem causes a detour in my life and I stray from the path, but because the Spirit of the Living God resides in me, He is always calling me back to the path that leads straight to God.

Walking in the Spirit is like walking a hiking trail, we need to be attentive at all times and constantly adjust our stride to make sure we always remain on the correct path, because the pay off at the end is much too important to miss!

Emptying

Author: Katie

I am learning that being emptied of my "self" is not a one time thing or something that happens every now and then. It's not anything that will ever be over. It's moment by moment day by day and usually happens to me in the middle of the night.

I struggle with insomnia and take medication to help but obviously the meds are not enough tonight (as I am beginning this at about 3:30 am). As a Christian, my spirit is always going against my natural human tendencies. I am fighting a battle for my mind on a daily basis. When the Spirit is in authority, I have peace of mind but otherwise...my mind is focused on me. When I gave my heart to Christ and asked Him to become Lord of my life I was unaware of the warfare I had declared on the the enemy of my soul..the ruler of my "flesh". I only knew that I came to a place where nothing on earth mattered enough to me to sacrifice having a relationship with my Creator. In the moment of total surrender, I surrendered "self". I died to an old way of life and began to walk in a new direction. This new direction began a very difficult but glorious journey into a relationship with Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:16-20

"So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God." (NIV)

I love the way that this passages is interpreted in The Message:

"16-20Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you."

I see these verses in a whole new light and it actually speaks to me in regards to the things that have kept me up tonight (aside from a reoccurring case of the hiccups of which I also battle yet again).

I never realized how overly analytical I can be. I don't analyze things from a "scientific" or an "intellectual" perspective. I analyze people, behaviors, personalities, things that are said to me, circumstances, the meaning of life! I can't not do it. I'm always trying to make sense of things and always seeking to do what is right and beating myself up for the things I do wrong. My mind just never seems to rest. This is part of the reason I have so much trouble sleeping. I am not at peace. God is not on the throne.

Often when I awaken at night like this, with my thoughts drawn to the negative. So I have learned to overcome this by holding my thoughts captive to Christ. This means to redirect my thoughts according to the truth of God's Word. So, when I am thinking about the things that make me miserable, I try to redirect my thoughts to the blessings of God. At first this was helping but it seems as though I have come to a cross roads. As I redirect my thoughts to the blessings, they end with "yeah but..." and head right back in the wrong direction, at which time I redirect again and I just keep going in circles all night long.

I have kept it no secret that I have had a very difficult and dysfunctional past but God set me free from that past. The problem now is that I have found myself in captivity again to the very things He set me free from. In a nutshell, I am captive to me...not Christ as I should be.

So, I am taken to the scriptures I spoke of earlier in this post. It has been my thinking that when I gave my heart to Christ the old is dead...gone. A new beginning has come. I took off my "old self" and put on the new person that God had made when I was reborn as His child. So, this means that the past is the past. I should leave it there. God has...but I keep dragging it back up in my thought life.

On the other hand, I think I see 2 Corinthians 16-20 in a new light now. Before I saw people through the eyes of being human. But then I met Christ. I began to see myself and others in a new way. Salvation is about reconciliation. First, we are reconciled to God through Christ. Then, through Christ we are also to be reconciled to others. This means we are to live in peace together. I don't see this enough in the Christian community...and I have had my struggles living it as well. That's because I try to live in peace according to my own strength. I try to do it the way I think it should be done. Often I become very legalistic in how I seek reconciliation with others and it just doesn't work...because I am doing it...not God. In reality...when God is in first place and I just focus on getting that relationship right...that is when peace comes. I keep saying this..when will I live like I believe it? That is when I am able to love others...by loving Him first. It always come back to this! It always comes back to Mark 12:30-31. No wonder my King made these the first and greatest commandments!

I know the condition of my heart. I know that I battle daily to stay above being self centered. Although I have had some amazing mountain top experiences and great moments of peace, I am not experiencing lasting peace...the peace which God has been speaking to me over the last month in my travels (of which I still plan to write about). It is a peace that surpasses all understanding. I know the moments when I have peace like a river and why. It is because I am staring in the face of my Redeemer and at peace with Him. The war...the battlefield of the mind...the flesh rising up against the Spirit...this is an ongoing battle that finds its victory in Christ alone.

I have realized that I am always trying to do what is right. I am always trying to fix me. I am my own idol! I keep trying to do what only God can do through me! I do this by being overly critical of myself. I criticize myself even to others because it is what I expect from others...to be criticized. I figure if I put myself down before they do then they can't hurt me. But, this does not glorify God nor does it magnify Him to others....and worst of all, it destroys my peace. I do not have peace with Him...and therefore no peace within or with others. As a result the very thing I do to protect myself from pain, brings me the greatest pain of all.

Luke 12:27 tells us that even the lilies are clothed in beauty. All of their needs are met by God with no effort on their part at all. . They are so beautiful yet often never even seen. If God cares so much for that which is never seen...how much more He will care for me if I just stop trying to do things myself and let Him provide and make me beautiful? This is not to condone laziness...but to encourage complete trust that God will guide his beloved and provide all we need to be all He has created us to be. We will be a display of His splendor!

When I stop stressing and stop trying to take things into my hands that I am supposed to lay at His feet...when I stop trying to analyze and control things; when I stop holding on so tight to what He is wanting me to let go of; when I stop trying to be perfect in my own power (because that is impossible) but let His strength be made perfect in my weakness; when I start being anxious for nothing and I start letting Him labor and toil over the things that are not mine to labor over...I will be like the lilly. I will live in peace and total trust in God. I will magnify His glory.

He is in the business of restoring beauty from ashes. This is my life. He has done it before and He is doing it again. My life becomes a mess when I take Him off the throne of my heart and put me in that place (whether by pride, control, false humility, bitterness or any other such thing). I have learned about the enemy disguising himself as an angel of light. I have at times allowed myself to be deceived into following the enemy away from God when I thought I was following God.

Several years ago a theme God gave me called for me to pray to be emptied. God has really been doing that. I am thankful for the sleepless nights I have had (although I would like to be done now lol). They have been such a great teaching tool. I have learned that I am constantly seeking to fill the emptiness with things other than God. I pray to be emptied so He can fill me. But I truly believe that sometimes he leaves that place vacant just long enough to give me an opportunity to choose to be filled with Him...or to fill the empty place with things that don't belong there.

Every day, every moment, every trial is an opportunity to choose to let God fill the emptiness or to fill it with something else that will only need to be emptied again. So, when that thought comes to my mind, when my peace is shaken...the first thing I need to do is drop to my knees and give the thing I want to put in my God shaped hole...to God...and let allow Him to fill me to overflowing.

A friend posted on facebook to look at Psalm 23 in the negative. This is the result of filling the emptiness in my life with the wrong things.

The Lord is not my shepherd

Therefore I can not rest

I do not have peace

My soul cannot experience restoration...I am drained

I go down a path of unrighteousness and cannot bring Him glory

I fear and am anxious about everything because I am not aware of His presences

I have no comfort from His presence

I have no protection from my enemies, no honor

My cup is empty and dry

Goodness and mercy are far from me

I can not dwell in His house if He is not my shepherd

But when the Lord is my Shepherd

I will be satisfied

He will make me lie down in green pastures and lead me beside still waters where He will restore my soul (peace and rest).

He leads me in the path of righteousness for His glory and my good.

Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil

Because He is with me. His rod and staff give me comfort.

He prepares a feast before me in the presence of my enemies!

He anoints me with the Holy Spirit above and beyond what I could imagine..spilling over everywhere I go.

His goodness and mercy will follow me all my days

I will dwell in His house forever.

If there is no peace...then God is not leading me. If there is an absence of peace then I have filled an empty place with something that will not satisfy...something that does not belong there. I need to fill it with God and God alone. I need to dethrone the idol and put God in His rightful place. I need to love HIM FIRST!

Peace Like a River

Author: Katie

During my quiet time today, I prayed in my journal. Then, I opened a book of prayers to the place where I left off. In my journal, I was seeking God for direction. I am trying to figure out how to order my days. Soon a new year will begin. It is my hope to get this worked out before then...but God may have a different time table. The title of the prayer I read was called, "Needing Direction".

The scripture: Jeremiah 6:16, "Thus says the Lord: 'Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find REST for your souls."

The prayer: "Lord, I come before you, standing here, seeking Your face. I need direction, I feel so lost, so alone. But You are here with me, to lead and to guide me, to show me the way I should go. With you and You alone, I can find REST for my soul. Give me the PEACE of Jesus. Peace like a river. Peace...Peace...Peace...Lord, give me peace."

Over and over this theme of peace keeps coming up...peace like a river. This was the them of the retreat I went on...and everything leading up to it. I have been out of pocket for an entire month now. I spent the last of September and the month of October traveling for many different purposes. With each trip God blessed me in so many ways. First I went to Florida to welcome home my sailor son and the other sailors from 6 months at sea. Then, I returned home for about a week before heading off to Colorado with my husband on a business trip. The day after we drove home from Colorado, I went on my bi-annual retreat with my best friend to Mt. Cheaha in Alabama. Finally, a month of travel ended with a vacation in Gatlinburg Tennessee...just in time for the peak of foliage! I will be writing of these journeys over the next week or so. I have so much I want to write and God has been doing amazing things. But, the one thing that has been coming to me over and over from resting in the spa beneath the Rockies to the peace of the river at Cheaha, to the relaxing time soaking in the beauty of the Smoky Mountains...from Rocky Mountain High Colorado to Rocky Top, Tennessee...God has been speaking peace to this weary soul....peace and rest. I think I like this theme!

However, peace and rest do not come easy for me. I am a doer. I go go go. I have no order to my days and I love so many things in life. I love painting, photography, crocheting scarfs for the homeless, playing my piano, and mostly...I love writing writing writing. The thing I want to do the most is write a book. But, I can't seem to figure out where to begin. I keep blogging because I know that when it all comes together, much of the material will come from what I post here. But, I can't seem to focus. I only know that what I keep hearing God say is what I read in my devotion today...what I keep reading in all my studies and today I clicked on a link to a church I used to follow on line...and the message coming up this Sunday is on finding peace like a river. My Sister in Christ, Sue, also mentioned peace like a river on her facebook page today. It just keeps coming up.

Something that really popped out to me in my amazing devotion time today is this, "...Be occupied with me...Be alert to My voice...Be devoted to Me with your whole heart...Put all that is around you into My keeping..."

Then this really jumped out at me, "You will be my mouth piece in places where ther are no other voices to be heard." I have no idea what that means but it really jumped out at me!

There is so much more that I will not include in this post but here is the final thought I'd like to add, "You will discharge your duties with dispatch and you will deal in wisdom in each responsibility; but your heart will REST in My hand!"

There is not a man on the face of this planet who will ever convince me that God and I don't have conversation! He is so close to my heart. He knows my every thought, my every concern, and He hears my every cry....and He responds!

Praise and glory to the One and Only! "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll...whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say, 'even so, it is well with my soul.'" Some old hymns will never be lost. Amen.

Living the Call Day 34 - Forgiveness

Author: Katie

I haven't been able to write like I want to. Life has a way of getting in the way! I have spent the last week in Florida visiting my son who just returned from a 6 month deployment (tour) in South America with the US Navy. It was a blessed time with my son and his dearest friends.

Upon returning home, I began preparing for a week long road trip to Colorado with my husband! It's going to be wonderful, I just know it! So, now I have squeezed a few minutes in to write before running errands with my mother-in-love.

Just before taking my trip to Florida, God moved in my heart during quiet time. Hopefully, in the near future I will have time to elaborate on this, but, for now, I will keep it brief.

I have been holding a bitter grudge against an old friend for a few years now. I have had no desire in my heart to offer forgiveness to this person. It ate away at me like a poison. But, God spoke to my heart through Colossians 3:12-14 and Deuteronomy 30:16. First He told me that I am commanded to forgive. Secondly He told me to love Him, walk in His ways, and keep His commands..then I will live and increase and the Lord will bless the land I am entering to possess. Forgive...obey.

Right in the middle of my journal, as I was confessing this bitterness and unforgiveness that He exposed with His glorious light (this is the day after I cried out to Him to shine His light so bright in my life that every dark place would be exposed), He told me to call this friend who I was so bitter against..and ask HER to forgive ME! I didn't even finish the journal I was writing. I was instructed to stop and do it right then.

So, on September 27, 2010, at around 10 am, with my stomach in knots, I called my friend and asked her for forgiveness. She rejoiced and without batting an eye...offered complete forgiveness and then, to my surprise...she asked me to forgive her for hurting me! In that moment, it was almost as if I could see inside my very own soul as Christ's light burst through that dark place and the freedom that was found is beyond anything I can put into words!

My friend and I went on to talk for about an hour after that and it was as if nothing ever happened. This is the forgiveness that Christ offers us all!

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

Christ had to forgive before He could die or else He could not have said, "It is finished". I have been crucified with Christ...yet I cannot say "It is finished"...because there are still others I need to forgive. So, I leave myself still hanging on the "cross" so to speak. I cannot die to "self" until I have forgiven. Once the forgiveness is complete, then I will be able to say, "It is finished" and experience becoming like Him in his death...and alas...the power of the resurrection and a new beginning...totally free...and ready to serve and love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I cannot do this until complete forgiveness comes.

Father, I pray for you to continue to shine your light into the dark places! Help me to forgive that I might also be forgiven and walk in peace with You.

Living the Call Day 24 - Out of the Darkness

Author: Katie

Mark 12: 29-30
29"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'

I have been struggling to find sleep and peace in the dark of night for the last few days...in flesh and spirit. I have not set time aside with God due to a very busy schedule. Today, I anticipated this much needed time that has been very missed. I started by opening my most recent book of journals and reading from the beginning. It's amazing because the journal starts with the same things I am still talking about...loving God and others. I realize that, until I reach Glory, I will forever be in need of growth and transformation in this area. But, there is something in my 5th entry that jumped out at me and spoke life to me today. God speaks to me through my very words on the pages of my own journal.

So far, since I have begun "Living the Call", I have been spoken to in the most unexpected ways...

From my garbage about my garbage

From my coffee cup He lifted me up (further down the page)

From my journal about my journey

From my painted walls to my tainted heart (another blog in progress)

I know, it's corny but I am an artist and I can be that way sometimes! Perhaps these will be the chapters of my book...I can't wait to see how God will bring it all together!

Today, the above mentioned journal entry that spoke to me was dated 4/19/10.

"Note: If my life is not filled with joy and my heart cannot rejoice in my circumstances, then I have allowed my flesh to put that light out. I have no one to blame but myself."

I was speaking in regards to how I was handling different circumstances but I can definitely apply it to where my mind has been the last few days. I can NOT live apart from God. I can NOT focus apart from His Word. Every day I need Him. Every day that I don't take time out to be alone with Him, my flesh gains strength and my spirit weakens. Here are some of the fruits that come from a spirit of flesh:

1. Self-centeredness

2. Worry

3. Anxiety

4. Depression

5. Unkindness

6. Irritability

7. Sowing discord/division

8. Unwise thinking and speaking

9. Emotionally and mentally out of control (I actually wonder if I'm insane..still not sure LOL)

the list goes on...

This is how I have been over the past few days. I have NOT been loving God. I have been loving ME....AGAIN. I have had to go back and read my previous "Living the Call" posts many times...feeling like a hypocrite and quite convicted of my behavior. (Talk about holding yourself accountable.) I have sought counsel with some who are close to my heart and told them that it seems like the enemy props up a chair beside my bed at night (I have been suffering from insomnia, anxiety, cramps, nausea... and more while trying to sleep). It seems that as I start drifting off, this "enemy" starts attacking my physical body. Once I am "partially" conscious...it's as if this "enemy" starts attacking my mind, whispering in my ear...deceiving me to self-defeating thoughts that spin out of control...and cause me to doubt my faith and relationships with those I love. I begin worrying about life and digging up things from the past once forgiven...then I "un" forgive. I begin letting my emotions have control over my mind and things just go downhill from there. The deception grows. The more I listen to the lies...the more I believe them. They get nastier and I get nastier with each sleepless night filled with anxiety and despair...and I start hating life. Everything seems meaningless...a chasing after the wind. This really is true about life. It is meaningless...apart from God.

Here are the fruits that come from the Spirit of God:

1. Love

2. Joy

3. Peace

4. Long suffering (or patience)

5. Kindness

6. Goodness

7. Faithfulness

8. Gentleness

9. Self-control

These are not the fruits I have bore over the last few days. But, a precious sister in the faith spoke words of life to me last night and prayed with me. I had trouble falling asleep again (even after taking a muscle relaxer)...but I took heed to her words and did not allow my thoughts to be held captive by this "unseen enemy". Instead I held my thoughts captive to Christ. I wonder now if indeed there was an "enemy" of my soul sitting at my bedside because when I held my thoughts captive to Christ, rebuking any evil thought...it was if the "whisperer" fled. I fell fast asleep and did not wake again until morning. My heart, that had been racing (as it does most nights) settled down and I experienced the bliss of a good night's sleep. I awoke this morning singing a different tune (Heaven on Earth to be specific) as I determined to spend quality time with God...and I have been at it for hours! I can't possibly write everything He has spoken to me! Much of it was His kindness leading me to repentance. His faithfulness truly does satisfy. But my cup is not just filled..it is overflowing!

Funny, He started things this morning by encouraging me as I was preparing to have coffee. He filled me up from my coffee cup (I know...cheese). My cup reads, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles...." The remainder of that (not on my coffee cup) would be, "they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31-32. Some versions read, those who "hope" in the Lord.

I will not grow weary of the "wrongs" I experience in life. I will not grow faint as I run this race..as long as my hope is in God. Not ME. Not people. (Gosh how many times do I have to tell myself this before I actually start LIVING like this!!!) I can't seem to stop placing faith in people...even after seeing this I will only be let down time after time. I even think I can do things myself...without God's guidance...only to let myself down. I can't even minister to others without growing weary apart from Him or I will grow weary in doing good. Apart from God, the work will deplete me of strength. I will give up and walk away before God's work is done...leaving a mess for God to hand over to another for clean up..the "other" whose hope is in the Lord. Apart from Him I rob myself of a huge blessing and He hands it to another. I MUST NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! I have to continually remind myself that APART FROM THE VINE THE BRANCH WITHERS AND DIES. Placing hope and faith in people not only puts expectations on them that they cannot possibly live up to...but it's putting them above God. This is idol worship. I confess...I am guilty...but praise God, He has opened my eyes and revealed the Truth. His light has overcome the darkness yet again!

I cannot start my days without Him. Problem is, when I start my days in the Word...I can't seem to want to stop...which is why I have a hard time starting out that way. But, maybe, for this season in life...I need to be spending the majority of my time there until I am finally strong enough to walk away from the Word but still Walk IN it.

Love God